Revenge
by Tsvety
Summary: SEQUEL TO "PAIN". Kelly's trying to rebuilt his life after Shay's death. But he will discover something that would shatter everyone's world. Who is responsible for Shay's death? How far would they go to get revenge? Would Kelly be able to recover, or this time he would lose the battle forever? Would Casey, Lindsay and Fifty-one be able to help him? More Linseride in second half.
1. Chapter 1

_Hello everyone, and welcome to my new story. It is a sequel to "Pain", and even though I'd be happy if you read it, I am sure you would easily follow this one even if you don't. It's funny, because I had this idea long before the last episode of Chicago Fire aired, and I'm so looking forward to seeing what happens in our favorite show next. I tend to update once a week._

_Warning:__ The story contains spoilers for season 3, 2 and 1_

_Disclaimer:__ I do not own any of the characters or the plot of Chicago Fire and Chicago PD. I do not own the lyrics of the songs used. This story is intended for fun only and I am not making any money with it!_

**Chapter 1**

A dark figure walked through the back exit of an old warehouse, making sure to avoid every video camera around. He had planned it well – he knew every single detail of the building, knew where the guards were, where they liked sitting during shifts, where the manager's offices were. He made his way to a relatively big room on the first floor and looked around in satisfaction. It was all going so well. He put a small radio close to the door, with the "turn on" timer counting down the minutes until it was time…Very carefully, he positioned two small propane tanks in the corner of the room, then took out a metal coil, sitting on an oxidizer…It was payback time.

Xxx

"Hey, look who's back!" Herrmann exclaimed when Kelly Severide walked into the locker room ten minutes before shift. It was his first shift after four weeks of attending the meetings of Kara's support group…four weeks of hell, preceded by months of even worse hell, if it was any possible. Squad Lt. had gone through the impossible – losing Leslie Shay two years after his childhood friend Andy Darden had died. After his complete breakdown four weeks earlier, he had put a lot of effort into building his life again, but it was just hard.

"It's good to see you back, Lieutenant." Cruz added, patting Severide's shoulder before heading away.

"Not that we didn't like your relief lieutenant." Otis grinned and went after Cruz.

"Yea." Kelly muttered in response. He spent the next few minutes changing into his uniform before slamming the door of his locker shut and heading to Boden's office to have a word with him. Frankly said, Squad Lt. wasn't feeling ready to be back, but it was all part of the healing process, or so they said. Luckily, the alarm sounded, calling Truck 81, Squad 3 and Ambulance 61 to a structure fire.

Severide took a deep breath and ran towards Squad, not responding to any of the remarks his buddies made. Everyone was glad to finally see him back, but they had their own way of showing it.

"Nice welcome back call." Capp took his eyes off the fire in front of him and shook his head in disbelief, just before Tony pulled over close to the burning warehouse. Its five storeys were already consumed by flames, but by the look on Boden's face, there were people inside. Kelly jumped off his seat and joined Chief and Casey, who had arrived a few seconds earlier.

"There are at least four people inside!" Boden informed them. "Two guards on the ground floor, the manager and his son probably on the third or fourth!"

"Copy that, Chief!" Kelly didn't need any more instructions. He put on his mask and helmet and yelled orders to his men before running into the building.

"Cruz, Herrmann, vent the roof! Otis, take Dawson and lock up the elevators." Casey didn't want the father and son panicking and taking the elevators. "Mouch, you with me. Need to find the guards fast!"

Boden watched through greeted teeth as everyone spun into action. He had a bad feeling and the cloud of black smoke that came out one of the windows just after the last of his men disappeared inside the building didn't help. He could hear through the radio Severide yelling for anyone there to call out, Casey doing the same on the ground floor.

"I…flo…check." Chief recognized Otis' voice, but he couldn't make any sense of the words.

"Otis…s…again." Matt ordered.

Boden's eyes locked with Mills', both of them reliving the moments before the building that had taken the life of one of their own had exploded. They felt relieved when Mouch and Casey emerged, supporting the two guards. Mills and Brett guided them to the ambulance, while Truck Lt. was preparing to go back inside.

"Lost contact with Otis and Dawson!" Matt yelled loud enough for Chief to hear him through the mask. He had barely made two steps towards the entrance when an explosion on the first floor knocked down all the windows. Not wasting a second, Casey stormed inside, hoping that everyone was safe and sound. He ran into Newhouse and Capp, who had the father and son.

"Severide?"

"First floor. Dawson said that Otis is down!" Capp replied, not having time to reveal more details. Matt took the stairs two at a time, joining Severide in the search of their fallen brother close the place where the explosion had taken place. Kelly had pushed Gabby aside, not wanting to risk her life, too.

"Otis, call out!" Squad Lieutenant yelled, moving through zero visibility towards the sound of Brian's pass device.

"Otis!" Casey tried again, following Kelly, until they reached their brother. The explosion had dislocated his helmet, but his mask looked intact. Both men felt relieved when they heard Otis groan and move his hand in an attempt to push himself upright.

"Come on, let's get the hell out of here!" Kelly ordered. The two lieutenants helped Otis all the way to Ambo Sixty-one, where a pair of paramedics were expecting them.

"I thought I heard someone calling for help…there was nobody in there." Brian tried to explain before Ambo took off on its way to the hospital. According to Chao, one of the paramedics, Otis was going to be okay, but they were taking him there just in case…

Xxx

Next morning Kelly was first to leave the firehouse after shift was over, thankful that Otis had been sent home after the hospital visit and would return to full duty starting next shift. He had hidden it well, but almost losing another member of Fifty-one had brought back his fear that everyone he cared about was going to leave him. He knew he was on the verge of losing it, so a few seconds after shift ended, Kelly sneaked out through the back exit, driving away. Half an hour later, he pulled over in front of the familiar house, where Kara held the meetings of the support group for firefighters who had lost close family and friends. It had been four weeks since Matt and Lindsay had talked him into coming for the very first time, and he hadn't missed a single meeting since. Kelly walked inside slowly, joining the group, everyone being there already.

"Kelly, you have something to share?" Kara looked at him, having noticed his concerned expression. She hadn't admitted it loudly, but he was one of the hardest patients she had ever had.

Severide looked away for a moment, knowing that bottling up his emotions wouldn't do him any good. He had promised Shay that he would fight his demons and he had to keep the promise, no matter how hard it was.

"I...we almost lost another one yesterday. This was my first shift back, and Otis almost died!"

"What happened?" The firefighter left of him asked, having lost men himself.

"I don't know…there was something blocking our communications, the next thing I heard was an explosion somewhere below me. Made my way downstairs and heard Dawson yell that Otis had gone into the room where the explosion happened…it just reminded me of the day Shay died, I guess."

"This is normal. You just shouldn't let it get to you."

"Yeah, 'cuz you know what it's like to lose people inside burning buildings!" Kelly barked icily, starting to regret his words the moment he said them.

"No, I don't. But I know what you're thinking and I'm telling you that what happened on shift is not your fault. It's your job to run inside burning buildings and things like this happen way too often."

"And they all happen when I'm around, damn it!"

"C'mon man, every one of us has lost people, am I right?" Mike, a Squad lieutenant, exclaimed, and eleven "yes" were heard.

"Plus, your man is okay, right? I bet you were the one to get him out."

"Me and Casey."

"See? You saved his life, man."

"Yeah…" Kelly murmured, not too convinced, but glad that there were people who knew exactly how he felt.

_Xxx_

_***One week later***_

"_Close the door, Casey." Boden ordered with deep sadness in his voice. He had been sitting in his office with a man from Arson Investigations for the past one hour, and by the looks on their faces, the topic wasn't any good. _

"_What's going on, Chief?" Matt sat on the only free chair, waiting for an explanation._

"_You remember the first structure fire after Severide came back?" _

"_I do…almost lost Otis." Casey said as a reminder, even though he was sure that Chief remembered that they had been close to losing another one._

"_We found this." The Arson Investigation man pulled out a metal coil, sitting on something way too familiar to Matt and Boden. "It's been used to start the fire."_

_Casey looked at Chief with a horrified expression, having the feeling that there was more to the story._

"_Another team has found the same coil near the propane tanks that exploded when we…lost Shay" Chief barely made himself say these words. "Seventeen fifty-one written under the oxidizer."_

"_It wasn't until we opened this case that we saw the link." The AI guy tried to defend his colleagues. _

"_You mean the link to Hadley?" Casey clenched his fists tight, his anger about to explode._

"_We cannot tie him to these fires. Hadley's in prison after spending six months in a burn centre."_

"_Does Severide know?" Matt ignored the Arson guy for a moment, focusing his attention on his friend. What he had been just told had the potential to push Kelly back to square one, or worse - completely destroy him._

"_No…not yet." Boden sighed, wishing for the nightmare to be finally over. _"And I prefer it to stay this way for now, at least until we have solid evidence."

"Yea." Casey nodded in agreement. He was scared - scared what Kelly might do, scared how Dawson was going to react, scared that it could hit the house badly. Losing someone was tough, but finding out that someone you had worked with for years was responsible was way beyond this. Truck Lt. exchanged a look with Chief and then fixed his eyes on the AI guy. "You talked to Hadley yet?"

"I did. He found it hilarious but said nothing! And the truth is that he has a solid alibi and we have no evidence, except for this coil, which doesn't prove much."

"Doesn't prove much?" Matt stood up, kicking his chair away, finding it hard to keep his temper in check anymore. "Severide's badge number is written underneath!"

"It only means that these fires might be connected to him! Look, I know that it's personal for all of you, but you need to be patient and let me do my job. Just be extra careful handling similar fires and I'll tell you if we find anything new.

"You better." Casey's words sounded more like e threat and Boden couldn't blame him for this, as he was feeling the same way. He watched in silence as Truck Lt. turned around and stormed out, wondering if they would be able to hide the information from Kelly.

Xxx

When Casey got home after shift, he was happy to see that Kelly wasn't home yet and Gabby had gone to Molly's with Herrmann to sort out some bills. Matt had been avoiding Squad Lt. all shift long, fearing that Severide could somehow guess by the expression on his face what was going on. Truck Lt. knew that they couldn't afford it – for Kelly's and everyone else's sake. Severide was doing his best to hide it, but he was still getting upset every time he or anyone else mentioned Shay or Darden, every time he saw a blond woman or they had a call with casualties. Boden had asked Capp to keep an eye on Squad Lt. during and after calls, just to make sure he was okay. It didn't mean that Chief didn't trust Kelly, no, the thing was that Severide didn't trust himself. So what if he found out that an ex-member of his own Squad was responsible for the death of Shay? What if he found out that his best friend had died, because an insane ex-firefighter was targeting him, when he had worked so hard to convince himself that it wasn't his fault? What if the attacks on Fifty-one weren't over? How would it affect everyone else?

Matt grabbed a mug of coffee and crashed on the couch, trying to answer these questions, without any luck. He was actually relieved when there was a knock on the door. He pushed himself upright, letting Lindsay in.

"Hey, what's up? Kelly okay?" She looked at him, worried. She had got a weird call from Matt, asking her to stop by his place as soon as possible, not explaining the reason.

"Yea, he's finishing up some paperwork that has piled up."

"Then what's going on?"

Matt took a deep breath, not knowing what to begin with. "You should probably sit." He waited until she made herself comfortable on the coach and brought another streaming coffee for her. During the next fifteen minutes he told her everything about the conversation with the AI guy and Boden he had had, feeling relieved that he had finally shared it with someone. Casey and Lindsay had become really close friends during the nightmare with Kelly, so he knew she would understand him and the source of his worry.

"You know we can't hide it from Kelly forever." Lindsay sighed, thinking the same as Truck Lieutenant. "He was a main witness in Hadley's trial, was closest to where the fire that blew off the propane tanks started, and there is evidence that he was the target…It's a matter of time before AI talks to him."

"I know." Matt didn't bother to hide the frustration in his voice. "I don't like the guy leading the investigation." He added, giving a hint why he had called Erin.

"What's his name?"

"Alan Smith."

"I'll have a word with him. You can't imagine - " Erin stopped in the middle of her sentence, having heard the front door being open.

Kelly murmured a "hi" and walked into the kitchen, looking for the bread to make himself a sandwich. "Hate paperwork."

"Who doesn't?!" Lindsay smirked, finishing her coffee.

"What are you doing here anyway?"

"Came to get my purse." Erin was glad that she had really left her purse there after their last game night. The two had got very close in the past few weeks, closer than ever before, but they were still keeping things in the friend zone.

"Okay. I gotta go. See you at 7 at the cinema." Kelly grabbed the sandwich and his keys and headed toward the door.

"Where are you going?" Matt insisted on knowing, trying hard to sound normal.

"The boat yard."

Xxx

Six hours later, Kelly put the screwdriver he had been using to fix the motor of a boat in his car and got into the driver's seat, ready to go meet Lindsay at the cinema. He didn't want to admit it, but he was doing his best to keep himself occupied every second he wasn't at 51. So he was spending a lot of time at the boat yard, working for various clients, not because he needed the money, but because he feared that he might slip on a banana peel otherwise.

Kelly's phone buzzed in his pocket, but when he looked at the id of the caller, it didn't show anything. He narrowed his eyes, wondering who this could be. Another client maybe? Someone from the firehouse?

"Hello." He answered the call, his tone indicating that he was expecting for the caller to say their name. But what he heard next took him by surprise, scared him even.

"Kelly Severide." The gruff voice was clearly male, sounding like it was coming though one of these voice changer machines. There was no way Severide could guess who the caller was.

"Who the hell are you?"

"Someone who would make you wish you were never born."

"What the hell - "

"I guess your dear friend Casey and that police chick didn't tell you. And you thought you could trust them." The voice laughed sarcastically, clearly enjoying torturing the Squad Lt.

"Tell me what?"

"Tell you that it was your fault! I started the fire that took the life of your precious Leslie Shay. Ask them!..I lost everything I had because of you and your house 51. Now it's your turn…Ask them!" The line went dead, leaving Kelly to sit motionless in his car. So it was his fault after all. One wonderful person had died because of him. His best friend…the only one he could trust to was gone, because of him. And they all knew – Matt, Erin, Chief, everyone pretending to be his friend…He felt betrayed, again, felt as if he had nothing to live for, again. Kelly dropped the phone on the floor and covered his face with his hands, wishing for death to finally put an end to his misery.

_Your heart is full of broken dreams_

_Just a fading memory_

_And everything's gone but the pain carries on_

_Lost in the rain again_

_When will it ever end?_

_The arms of relief seem so out of reach_

_(Red – "Not alone")_

**Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

_**Okay, if Hadley is in prison, who is our mysterious guy? Well, I am not gonna tell you yet, sorry! :)**_

_**For anyone wondering, 1751 is Kelly's badge number.**_

_**What do you think? Do you like it? Or maybe hate it? Please review, any comments would be appreciated!**_


	2. Chapter 2

_Warning:__ The story contains spoilers for season 3, 2 and 1_

_Disclaimer:__ I do not own any of the characters or the plot of Chicago Fire and Chicago PD. I do not own the lyrics of the songs used. This story is intended for fun only and I am not making any money with it!_

**Chapter 2**

Casey got back home around 11pm, having spent the last eight hours repainting the living room of an elderly couple. It had helped him forget the last shift's events for a few hours, but the moment he walked inside his apartment and saw Gabby on the couch, watching a movie, it all felt real again. He looked at Dawson for a split second and remembered Erin's words – they couldn't hide the vital information from everyone else. They needed to be prepared, mentally and physically, and know what to expect on future calls in order to protect themselves.

"Hey." Gabby jumped off her seat into Casey's arms, giving him a kiss. "I like it when you smell like fresh paint." She opened her mouth to say that they were home alone, but then noticed her fiancée's somehow concerned expression. "Okay, Matt, what's going on? You've been acting weird since yesterday. And don't tell me it's nothing, because your worried face tells me otherwise!"

Casey looked her in the eyes for a brief moment, debating with himself what to tell her. "We need to talk."

"You're scaring me."

"Let's sit." Casey insisted, guiding Dawson back on the couch. "You remember the AI guy from yesterday?"

"Yea, Boden said it was a personal visit."

"No…He's looking into the fire that almost killed Otis."

"Okay." Dawson uttered, confused why this was such a big deal.

"AI found the same metal coil that Hadley used to set up his fires…with Severide's badge number written underneath…next to propane tanks."

"Matt - "

"It turns out that they've found the same coil close to the propane tanks in the building that…that killed Shay." Matt finally let it out, wrapping his girl into a tight hug. "It wasn't an accident."

The two spent the next ten minutes in complete silence, Gabby sobbing quietly on Casey's shoulder. He told her every single detail, everything AI had told him. After his talk with Erin, he had called Boden and the two had agreed to tell everyone from the firehouse the truth, to prepare them for future arsons and the investigation. But Matt knew he had to tell Kelly first and hope for the best. What he did not know was that Squad Lt. had been contacted by the arsonist himself, and he wasn't spending the night with Erin as planned…

Xxx

_Darkness creeps into daylight_

_You're leaving_

_Treasures hidden in our mind_

_The memories_

_The time we had was fleeting_

_The strength is just believing now_

_(Red – "As you go")_

Kelly spent the night on a bench near the boat yard, alone. He wasn't feeling the cold, even though it was mid January…he wasn't feeling anything. He had called Erin the previous evening to cancel their movie date, claiming that he had been stuck fixing the motor of a boat and he'd had to stay late and finish it. He had then walked around the boat yard for an hour, trying to clear his head, but the guilt, the guilt that he was the reason why Shay wasn't with them anymore, was threatening to consume him inside out. He wanted only one thing – to get a drink, or ten, and feel again the relief that alcohol brought. But he couldn't…not because he had worked so hard to stop and fix his life, no, but because from this moment on he had only one purpose in life – to get the arsonist and sent him to hell with a one way ticket, even if he had to pay with his own life.

Around 8am a couple came to check on their boat and Kelly decided that it was time to go. He got up slowly and walked back to his car, then drove recklessly to Matt's place, even though he didn't want to see his face. Yes, Kelly was feeling betrayed, again, by one of the handful people he thought he could trust to. He went in quietly, hoping that Dawson and Casey were still sleeping. When he didn't see them anywhere, he made his way to the guest bedroom and changed into his running clothes, desperately needing to let off some steam.

"You and Lindsay last night?" Casey's voice took Kelly by surprise when he returned into the living room, preparing to go out. Matt had heard him come back and had got up to make some coffee and have the talk with Severide he had been dreading for days.

"What?" Kelly growled, not bothering to even look at Truck Lt.

"You didn't come home last night so I assumed – " Matt stopped in the middle of the sentence, having just seen the tormented expression on his friend's face. "You okay?"

"Yea, why shouldn't I be!?" Severide spat out, but he couldn't fool Truck Lt. so easily. Kelly pulled the handle of the door to get out of there as soon as possible, but Casey blocked his way, slamming the door shut. He was sure the noise had awaken Dawson, but hoped that she would give them some privacy. "Get the hell out of my way, Casey!"

"Not until you tell me what's up with you. You made me promise that I won't let you slip away again, so deal with it!"

"You really wanna know?" Severide frowned. "I got a phone call from an arsonist, telling me that I've ruined his life so he's going to ruin mine. You know how? By setting up fires, like the one that killed Shay. But you already know this, don't you?" Kelly's tone was firm, but the pain he was feeling with every word said was still detectable. Matt didn't know what to say…didn't know how to react. What he knew was that he had failed his friend by hiding the truth and in Kelly's case, it could destroy him. He watched motionless as Severide shoved past him and disappear through the door.

Xxx

Kelly had no idea how long he had been running aimlessly, fighting the demons in his head, when he finally noticed the name of the street he was on. He stopped and fixed his eyes on the remains of a tall building…the building that has taken the life of his best friend. It was labelled as dangerous, but he didn't give a damn. Without thinking any more, Kelly headed for the entrance, the familiar evil voice in his head urging him to go to the same spot where the propane tanks had exploded, as if he would find the arsonist there. He walked in, the pain and desperation he was feeling completely clouding his judgement. It wasn't until he got to the stairs when he finally remembered that most of the stairwell leading to the top of the building had been destroyed.

"Damn it!" Kelly cursed under his breath, his feet taking him to the first floor, his mind screaming that it was a terrible idea. But a few seconds later, he found himself standing at the exact same spot where Shay had died, where the beam had fallen, taking away one precise life.

"Hell, Shay, it shouldn't have been you!" Severide pressed his eyes closed, trying to stop the wave of tears coming. But when he opened them a few seconds later, he noticed a small piece of paper laying in his feet. He wiped the tears away and took the paper in his hand, staring at the words blankly. _"Hello, Lieutenant! I knew you were gonna come here. See how much I know about you, and you know nothing about me! I didn't know who was gonna die inside this building, but I was hoping that it would make you suffer. You can imagine how satisfied I was when it was Shay. She did not deserve it though. She was the only innocent person from your house. I'll tell her to thank you if we meet in our afterlife. I guess the question now is, who's gonna be the next?" _

Kelly sat on the filthy floor for the next two hours, reading the note over and over again…Yes, the arsonist had succeeded, Severide was already regretting the day he was born. And this was only the beginning…

That day, for the first time since he had started going there, he skipped a meeting of Kara's support group. Instead, he went to Shay's grave, needing to apologize to her, to ask her to forgive him, to promise her that he would get the one responsible.

The night came fast and Kelly realized that he had no place to go. He was all alone in this world, having lost the people who had been his family, betrayed by others claiming to be his friends. So he spent the night at the only place that he still felt like something close to home – house 51.

Xxx

"Hadley." A man wearing a black hoodie and dark jeans sat across the table, staring at the ex-firefighter. Prison had completely changed Kevin – he looked older, bitter, hungry for revenge. His face was covered in scars from the fire he had set on himself, scars that reminded him of the men who had destroyed his perfect life. The same men had done it to others…others who were also hungry for revenge. This hunger had bonded the two men and nothing could stop them now. They were the perfect team – one smart, having spent a lot of time planning everything, the other ready to follow orders, having the desire to kill and destroy in order to get personal satisfaction…

"All done?" Hadley asked, knowing that they didn't have much time. He was allowed visitors only twice a month, and they had to use the time wisely and not attract attention.

"Yes. Severide didn't take it very well." The other man smirked.

"I told you so! You do as I say, we both get what we want."

"I want them all to pay the price!"

"Be patient!" Hadley barked through greeted teeth, but when some of the inmates close to him shot him a glance, he decided to keep his voice down. "Severide first. Then the others. I want him to watch them suffer and believe it's all his fault. Trust me, this would be much more painful for him than death."

"Alright! And Hadley, you start playing games with me when you get out of here, I'll - "

"Don't worry!" Hadley cut him off. "I depend on you as much as you do on me!"

Xxx

_"It's your fault, Kelly! Your fault!" Shay kept repeating until she grasped for her last breath and closed her eyes, forever. All Kelly could do was watch. Then her face disappeared, replaced by a disgusting one. It was laughing at him, Severide could feel his stinky breath, but the face was blurry, had no name. Who was this person?_

Kelly turned his head around and looked at his phone for a hundredth time – it was finally time to get up as shift was about to start in half an hour. He had barely slept, the nightmares not allowing him close his eyes for more than fifteen minutes. He ignored the missed calls and texts he had received from Casey, Lindsay and Kara, and shoved his mobile back into the drawer of his desk, before getting up and heading toward the showers.

Fifteen minutes later he made his way to the locker room, relieved that there was nobody there. He unlocked his locker and changed into his uniform. Having just put his shirt on, he caught a glimpse of his reflection on the locker's door…yea, he looked like hell. Kelly closed the door, but didn't move, staring at his reflection. Why? What the hell had he done to deserve this?

"Damn you!" He yelled, punching the locker, not giving a damn if the people in the kitchen had heard him. Severide hit the rusty metal again, and again, until someone grabbed his arm from behind, forcing him to stop, his knuckles already bleeding a little bit.

"Kelly! Stop it!" Casey urged his friend before he could hurt himself any further. "Stop it!"

"Severide!" It wasn't until Chief spoke that Kelly realized what he was doing. Matt felt his friend's body relax under his grip to the point where Squad Lt. was barely standing on his feet. Truck Lt. helped him sit on the bench, waiting patiently until Kelly got some control over his emotions.

"That's why we didn't tell you!" Matt retorted, his own feelings fuelling his anger. Shay had been his friend, too, and even though he had stayed strong for his friends, the news had shaken him as well.

"Why? 'cuz you thought I'd go nuts again?!" Kelly muttered, not looking at the two men next to him. He was hurt and he didn't have the will-power to hide it. "

"No…Because you worked too damn hard to fix your life and we didn't want to break it into pieces again."

"Same thing." Squad Lt. growled.

"No, it's not! We did it to protect you!" Matt explained, wondering if Kelly was really listening to his words. "It was a mistake. When you came home yesterday I was about to tell you."

"Kelly" Boden took a deep breath. "Look at me." Chief waited patiently until Severide did so, reluctantly. "You are not alone, and you'll never be. We can fight this, together."

"This call, what did he tell you?" Casey was talking about the call from the arsonist.

"That…it's my fault that…that Shay died." Kelly replied weakly. "To ask you."

"Bastard." Truck Lt. muttered. It looked like the arsonist has done his homework. "Listen, don't allow him to mess up your mind. If you believe him, it means that he has already won."

Kelly didn't want to admit it, but Matt was right. The problem was that the arsonist knew pretty well what Severide's weakest place was and had struck straight there. "What am I supposed to do, Casey?"

"Trust us on this…I know that you wanna go after him, but the best thing you can do is ignore him and let AI do their job. Lindsay's keeping an eye on the investigation."

"They might be able to trace the call to someone." Boden suggested. As much as he wanted to keep his Squad Lt. out of the investigation, he had a feeling that it would be impossible.

"It can't be Hadley." Matt's mouth opened before his mind remembered that he still hadn't told his friend what AI had told him.

"What?"

Casey sighed, but he knew that he had to tell Kelly the truth. Actually, he had yet to tell everyone from firehouse 51 the same news. "AI found a metal coil that has been used to start the fire last week. Similar coil has been found near the propane tanks that exploded…your badge number written underneath."

"Son of - "

"It can't be him. Hadley's in jail." Matt stated the obvious, but Severide ignored him completely, lost in his own thoughts.

"I'll pay him a visit after shift." Kelly growled, looking away. It went without saying that Squad Lt. had every intention of causing the ex-firefighter a lot of pain if he ever got the chance to get anywhere near him.

"Kelly - " Boden tried to warn him, but as Herrmann had once said, when Severide got the look in his eyes he had in that moment, he didn't listen to anybody.

"I'll…take Lindsay with me."

Xxx

"Morning." Boden looked at every one of his men and women. They had gathered in the conference room right after shift had started at his request, wondering what was going on. Most of them had heard Severide's breakdown and bits and piece of his conversation with Truck Lt. and Chief earlier in the morning, but they had no idea what was wrong. The only people in the room who knew – Matt and Dawson, were leaning against the wall near the door, while Kelly had refused to attend, not able to deal with everyone's pity or hear the story once again…the story that reminded him that he was the reason why Shay gone.

"Morning." Many voices replied at the same time, looking at their Chief as if they knew the news won't be any good.

"There isn't an easy way to say this." Boden didn't want to beat around the bush. "We have reasons to believe that the fire that killed Shay, as well as the one from last week where Otis got injured, were set up by an arsonist, targeting Kelly Severide." He paused for a second, but didn't give his people the chance to start talking before he was done. In the next five minutes he told them everything he knew, all the details AI had given him. "I want you all to be extra careful…whoever the arsonist is, he's out for blood."

"Chief, how's Severide holding up?" Cruz looked up at Boden, everyone wondering the same. But before Chief could answer the alarm sounded, calling all companies to a structure fire…at the building Kelly and Shay had used to live.

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**Thank you all for reading, it means a lot to me!**

**I bet you hate Hadley more than ever right now, haha! But who's helping him? It would be interesting to hear your suggestions, even though I'm not gonna tell you if you're right or wrong (I don't want to spoil it!)**

**I know that Lindsay was missing from this chapter, but I wanted to focus on the bromance and how the news affected our firehouse 51. They all love Shay after all.**

**I promise you a lot more Linseride in the next few chapters!**

**As always, please review. **


	3. Chapter 3

_Warning:__ The story contains spoilers for season 3, 2 and 1_

_Disclaimer:__ I do not own any of the characters or the plot of Chicago Fire and Chicago PD. I do not own the lyrics of the songs used. This story is intended for fun only and I am not making any money with it!_

**Chapter 3**

Squad 3 came to a controlled stop behind Truck and Chief's car, close to the burning building…the place which Kelly and Shay had once been calling home. Squad Lt. jumped off his seat, and holding his mask with one hand, stepped toward Boden, doing his best to put his emotions at bay. People were running out the nearby apartments, but fortunately, it was lunchtime so most people weren't home.

Chief opened his mouth to yell orders to his men, when the front door of Kelly's ex-apartment opened and a man in his early thirties ran out, his shirt on fire. Mouch and Herrmann jumped on him with a blanket, putting off the fire. A big explosion coming from the apartment followed and it wasn't hard for anyone to figure out that it had been set by the arsonist.

"Everyone step back! We'll go defensive!" Chief ordered, not letting Severide out of his sight.

"My…family's…there." Kelly's heart almost came to a stop when he heard the man who had just stormed out of the place say. Brett and Mills were already treating his injuries, ready to head off to Chicago Med.

"Severide!" Boden blocked his Lt's way when it became clear that Kelly was about to run inside. The building was falling apart, but could they let a mother and a baby die?! The worst part was that Squad Lt. knew them personally, having visited the place a few times after moving out.

"I'm going inside!" Kelly barked, trying to shove past Chief. "Damn it, I can't let any more people die because of me!"

Kelly was right, they had to do something. Boden stepped aside and looked at his other Lt. who was already preparing to go in with Severide. "You have two minutes! Two minutes!"

"Fire department! Call out!" Squad Lt. yelled, making his way into the living room. It was fortunate that he was familiar with the place as they couldn't see anything through the smoke. "Debora!" He yelled, but Matt didn't like the personal connection his friend had to the people whose fate was unknown. "Casey, upstairs!" Kelly meant that he was going upstairs and Truck Lt. had to search the third room on the ground floor. Actually, Severide sent him to the room closest to the exit just in case…

Kelly ran upstairs, not having time to remember the old times. A baby's cry caught his attention and he stormed into Shay's old bedroom. "Casey, over here!" He yelled through the radio before kneeling down and moving through the room in the direction of the baby's cry. He finally got to them, the mother curled around the baby protectively under the broken window.

"Severide, what's their status?" Matt demanded. Truck Lt. moved forward until he reached his motionless friend, the bad news going without saying. "Kell, we need to get of here!"

"She's…dead." Kelly looked at Matt in disbelief, not able to process it fast enough. A loud _bang_ sounded behind them and Casey could only hope that the stairs were still intact. "Severide, get the baby and get out of here!" Truck Lt. ordered, his voice loud enough to bring Kelly back to reality. Squad Lt. reached out and grabbed the baby, then put the little girl, who had slight pulse, under his jacket. With the corner of his eyes he saw Casey take the body of the mother in his hands and follow him all the way to the entrance. It wasn't long after they made it out when another explosion took place, and the roof collapsed…

Xxx

"Hey." Erin smiled politely to the firefighters and paramedics in the kitchen of house 51. Their shift was going to be over in 5 minutes, but no one dared to start preparing for going home as a lot could happen is 300 seconds. She looked around but did not see the man she was looking for. Having been told by Matt everything about their call at Kelly's ex-apartment, she didn't hide her worried face. "Kelly?"

"In his quarters. Hasn't come out since we came back." Casey shrugged. He was worried, too, but couldn't blame his friend for his reaction. Thankfully, the baby and the father had made it, but they had lost the mother and they all knew that the arson had specifically targeted their Squad Lt. Hell, he knew it, too, and he couldn't look everyone in the eyes, knowing that one more person had lost her life, because a madman was looking for some sort of revenge. "I still think that's a bad idea."

"It's better than letting him go alone." The detective was talking about her intention to pay Hadley a visit with Kelly. Actually, she had pulled some strings to arrange it, hoping that they may get some useful information. She had been against it in the beginning, but when Kelly had made it clear that he was going there one way or another, she hadn't had much choice…"Guys." Lindsay looked at every one of them. "CPD is working alongside AI and I promise you, we'll get him."

"I want a piece of him." Mills growled, clenching his fists tight. He hadn't admitted it, but his life had been changed forever because of the building explosion, too.

"You'll have it." Erin promised before heading toward Kelly's quarters. She could see through the blinds that the lights were off, but had no idea what her friend was doing. Lindsay knocked once and pulled the handle of the door, catching a quick glimpse of the inside through the small opening. She fixed her eyes on the dark figure of Kelly, sitting on his chair and leaning forward on his desk, his elbows touching the wooden surface, his face buried into his palms. He was trying to distance himself from the world, or better yet, somehow disappear. "Oh, Kelly." Erin whispered and walked inside, closing the door quietly. She made her way to Severide's desk and wrapped him into a tight hug, every fibre of her body wanting to take the pain away.

"I…can't take it anymore." He sobbed, feeling like an emotional bomb ready to explode. "Who's next? Casey, Dawson…you…the firehouse?!"

"There won't be next."

"You…don't know this." He wiped away the tears in his eyes, but they were immediately flooded by a new wave. "I wish he would just finish me off…" Severide looked at Lindsay with glassy eyes, his expression proving that he meant every word.

"Kelly…you have to put up a fight. Can't let him win!" Erin was standing right beside him, unsure what to say to help him. Because, frankly, if she was in his shoes, she would have probably thought the same.

"If it means that no more people would die because of me - "

"Listen, don't allow him to push you back to where you were a month and a half ago!" The detective cut him off, not wanting to hear the end of the sentence.

Squad Lt. grimaced, remaining silent for a few seconds. "Too late." He didn't realize he had said it loudly until Erin shot him a glance. "But this time I have something to live for…won't stop until he gets what he deserves, and I'm not talking about prison, Erin!"

"Don't stoop down to his level. Not worth it your life and career."

"Lost both the day that s*n of a b*tch took Shay away from me!" Kelly muttered through gritted teeth. "I tried to put the pieces back together, but apparently it's not gonna happen."

Lindsay didn't have the chance to respond as Matt knocked on the door and he and Dawson walked in, telling them that they were heading home.

Xxx

The nearly three hour drive to the Federal Correctional Institution in Pekin was spent almost entirely in silence. Kelly had made it clear when they had got into the car that he hadn't been in a mood for discussing his state-of-mind further and Erin had been trying to respect his wish as much as possible.

Lindsay pulled over in the visitor's parking lot and looked at Squad Lt. with concern in her eyes. "Kelly, I have already arranged the meeting, but you need to promise me two things before we go in."

Severide frowned, waiting to hear Erin's demands.

"Don't let him play mind games with you. And I need to know that you won't stop going to the support meetings. You skipped the last one…"

"I won't and what's the point? Every time I make a step forward something pushes me two backwards!"

"If not for you then do it for me." Lindsay literally pleaded. Kelly granted her with a barely detectable nod before getting out and heading toward the visitor's main entrance. Lindsay pulled out some paperwork she had had to do beforehand and fifteen minutes later they were sitting on uncomfortable chairs in a place that resembled an interrogation room. How exactly Erin had arranged the meeting Severide did not know. All that mattered was that he'd be able to look Hadley in the eyes and ask _why_.

The door opened a few seconds later and both visitors watched two guards walk Hadley in to a chair opposite them, not bothering to uncuff him. He looked at Squad Lt. with smug satisfaction, waiting to see if his behaviour would trick Severide into saying something he would regret later.

"Lieutenant, I am honoured by your visit!" The ex-firefighter said sarcastically.

"Don't be." Lindsay growled, her CPD training and years of experience telling her that Hadley was hiding a lot behind the cheerful face.

"Why? I've never expected that the great hero Kelly Severide would waste his time in such a way! Don't you have fires…to fight?"

"Fires you set, you s*n of a b*t*h!" Kelly barked, feeling Erin's supportive hand on his knee.

"I do what?" Hadley asked casually, acting confused. He didn't care if his theatre couldn't fool his visitors, because their presence there meant that they had nothing against him.

"Fire that killed Leslie Shay – metal coil sitting on an oxidizer used to start it - your signature. Fire specifically targeting a firefighter, Otis almost lost his life – your signature. Fire at Kelly's old apartment – one woman dead, one baby without a mother – your signature! All three connected to Kelly. Not to mention the phone call and the note you sent him!" Lindsay stated as professionally as possible, carefully monitoring the ex-firefighter's reaction.

"So there has been a new one? The AI guy only mentioned two."

"Answer her!" Kelly barked, hitting the table in order to resist punching Hadley in the face.

"Listen to me very carefully, Lieutenant! Thanks to you nobody believed that I have never set any fires. Thanks to you I lost my life. I look like Shrek and live in a cell. How can I have anything to do with the fires you mentioned, when there are hundreds of witnesses that I spend every second locked in here like a criminal?!"

"You are a criminal!" Erin snapped.

"We'll see." Hadley smirked, not revealing his plan further. "I haven't done anything wrong, but I won't deny that you being so miserable makes me happy."

Kelly shot him a disgusted look. "If you want me, why kill innocent people, huh?" He asked, ignoring Hadley's complete denial.

"You sure you haven't lost your mind after the death of Shay? I've just told you that I've nothing to do with it!"

Lindsay reached out, but she wasn't fast enough to stop Severide from jumping off his seat and grabbing hold of Hadley's hair. "Kelly!" Luckily she managed to stop him just as he was about to smash Hadley's ugly face against the metal table. "Let him go!"

"Who's crazy now?" The ex-firefighter ginned in satisfaction just before Erin pushed Kelly out of the room. She did not realize the importance of what had just happened yet, but was about to find out very soon…

The whole thing was going as planned for Hadley. The man he hated so much was losing it, this time forever.

Xxx

"Severide, what are you doing? You don't chop the broccoli! Just put them on the tray." Matt couldn't help it but laugh at his very confused friend. Kelly had come home two hours earlier after the prison visit, refusing to talk about it. Lindsay had told Casey everything about their "trip", but as she had had to go back to the office immediately, Matt had invited her for dinner. Now, he was trying to keep Squad Lt. occupied with the food preparation, and it seemed that his plan was working.

"They are huge." Kelly took one in his hand, measuring its size with his eyes.

"Seriously, it's high time you learned how to cook. Can't live on sandwiches forever." Casey chuckled, stirring the cake powder he had just combined with eggs.

"What's wrong with my sandwiches?" Severide exclaimed, arranging the green vegetables on the tray. "They provide proteins, carbs and fats, all in one bite."

"My food is much better." The blond Lt. teased, pouring the cake mix into another tray. He put sprinkles on top before turning the oven on. "Move it, Severide, your dish is going into the oven the minute my yummy cake is ready!"

"Okay…what do I do next?"

"Chop the bacon, spread it on top of the broccoli, add some black pepper and cumin, pour 300ml cream and watch the magic happen."

Hour and a half later the table for four was all set, Dawson was already home and Erin had just knocked on the door. She handed Casey a bottle of nice red wine and followed him into the living room.

"Smells delicious in here." She commented, taking a sit.

After everyone had taken their places at the table Matt opened the wine, pouring Dawson a glass, then Lindsay, then reaching out for Severide's.

"I'm good!" Squad Lt. murmured, taking his empty glass away before Casey could grab hold of it.

"You know it's okay to have half a glass of wine or a beer every now and then, right?" Matt looked at him, trying to keep his tone cheerful.

"Let it go, Casey! It's better that way!" Kelly snapped out of nowhere. The truth was that he wanted to drink, and just forget, feel again the relief alcohol brought, but he needed no distraction from his mission in life – getting the arsonist.

"Okay." Matt granted him with a smile before changing the subject. "Gabby, you wanna try the salad? The first Severide has ever made."

Their dinner was going pretty well until the moment Dawson went into the kitchen to bring the cake and Erin's phone buzzled into her pocket. She looked at the ID of the called – Voight.

"What's up?" The CPD detective answered.

"_I think you should hear it from me." _Voight's tone frightened her. "_Hadley's case is going back to court. He's using the new fires to show that he is not the arsonist…His lawyer would try to prove that Kelly Severide is mentally unstable and it was his statement that sent that b*ast*rd to jail before!"_

"How?"

"_Somehow they know everything about his breakdown after Leslie Shay's death and they are going to use it against him. And his screw up today will do Hadley a big favour…" _

"Okay…thanks for the heads up." Erin grimaced, not knowing that her phone speaker was loud enough for Kelly, who was sitting next to her, to hear Voight's words. Unfortunately, that became clear when Severide pushed his chair aside violently and ran through the front door in a matter of a couple of seconds.

"Severide!" Casey yelled after him, wondering what had just happened.

"Give him some time…" Lindsay stopped him from going after his friend. Now she had to find a way to explain what she had been just told to Matt.

Xxx

He was sitting in his car, parked across the street from Herrmann's house. The arsonist had been standing there for the last five hours, watching the house very carefully – who was going in and out, when. Actually, he had been doing it for the past three days and already knew well the daily routine of Herrmann's whole family.…Now he had to wait for everyone to go out in the morning and follow the instructions Hadley had given him. He wasn't afraid that his visits to the prison would attract the attention of AI or CPD. Hadley had used all the money his mother had left him to buy the cooperation of one of the guards. His sister needed a kidney transplant to live, and he had agreed to keep Hadley's frequent visitor off the books…

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**Once again, thank you all for reading, hope you enjoyed this chapter, because I loved writing it! **

**What do you think of the Lindsay/Kelly moments? And what about our bromance in the kitchen? And of course, we all hate Hadley, 'cuz no one is safe – sorry Herrmann.**

**I'd love to hear your opinion, no matter what it is, so please review! Thanks! **


	4. Chapter 4

_Warning:__ The story contains spoilers for season 3, 2 and 1_

_Disclaimer:__ I do not own any of the characters or the plot of Chicago Fire and Chicago PD. I do not own the lyrics of the songs used. This story is intended for fun only and I am not making any money with it!_

**Chapter 4**

After running away from Matt's place, Kelly wandered Chicago's streets until he reached a random bar and walked in, frustration clouding his judgement. Hadley, the b*ast*rd who had destroyed his and many other lives, was going to be a free man and it was going to be his fault. Lindsay had warned him not to let the ex-firefighter play mind games with him, but Hadley had tricked him. There was no way Kelly was going to let him get away with it…

Severide sat at the bar and ordered a double whiskey. The bartender placed it in front of him a minute later and took the money he had left on the counter. Not even touching the glass, Kelly focused his eyes on it, the golden liquid inside reminding him of his misery. The misery Hadley had put him through. But how had he set up all those fires when he was in prison? Having asked himself that question thousands of times already, it all suddenly made sense in Kelly's mind. Hadley had been using somebody else to do the dirty work…so that he could get out of prison. But who hated him and the firehouse so much? Who was trying to kill them?

"Come on, honey, come home with me!" A total stranger pushed Kelly abruptly with his shoulder, while trying to persuade a young girl to do things with him she didn't want to.

"Let me go!" The girl barked, trying to shove past the very drunk idiot.

"I said come here, b*tch!" He grabbed her wrist, pulling her toward him.

Not thinking twice, Kelly got up and pushed him aside violently. "And I say let her go and get the hell out of here!"

"You her nanny or something?" The guy smirked, Severide's patience wearing extremely thin.

"No. But I'm the one who's gonna kick your ass if you don't disappear in the next five seconds!"

The next thing Squad Lt. felt was a fist connecting with the left side of his face. Realizing that his nose was bleeding, Kelly grabbed the same hand that had just hit him and twisted it, but the dirtbag managed to punch him in the stomach with his free hand. Severide did the same with his knee, but the impact was much stronger and the other guy fell on the floor.

"How does it feel?" Unfortunately, Squad Lt. didn't stop but kicked him in the ribs again, and again, doing the same he wished he had done to Hadley, until a pair of strong hands grabbed him from behind and pushed him aside.

"Severide?" Burgess looked at him surprised to see him of all people. She and Roman were the patrolmen called to a bar fight…

"You'll pay for that, b*tch!" The guy hissed at the girl who was looking at him in disgust. Kelly turned around, but Burgess stopped him before he had the chance to jump the guy again.

"You want more?"

"Come on, Severide, let's go outside." Kim dragged him to the front of the building, where two ambulances had just stopped. Roman remained inside, arresting the other guy and talking to the witnesses. A pair of paramedics headed inside, whereas the other pair focused their attention on Squad Lt.

"Kelly?" Rafferty exclaimed, having just seen the face of her patient. "What the hell happened?"

"Nothing." He mumbled, sitting on the edge of the ambo, while Rafferty was examining him.

"You don't get that from nothing." She scolded him, but Kelly didn't give a damn. He watched as the other pair of paramedics carried his opponent on a stretcher to the second ambulance, Roman following them.

"You're lucky today. A lot of witnesses confirmed that he started the fight. The girl he was after agreed to not charge him if he forgets about you, he agreed." The male CPD officer explained.

"So I'm free to go?" Kelly blurted out, grimacing from the pain when Rafferty touched his nose.

"Not so fast. We're taking you to Chicago Med. I wanna make sure you have nothing broken." The EMT literally ordered. She turned around to look at her partner, discussing something with him for the next couple of minutes.

"Here." Roman handed him his phone. "You must have dropped it inside."

"Thanks."

"You've got several new messages from Lindsay." Roman added as if expecting Severide to read them immediately.

"I know…Listen, do not say anything about tonight to Erin, okay?" Kelly pleaded just before Rafferty closed the doors of the ambo and they left.

Xxx

When Kelly was finally discharged from the hospital it was nearly 8am. His doctor had insisted on keeping him overnight for a head scan that had shown no brain injuries or broken bones. Unfortunately, he had huge bruises near his belly, and on the face, so knew he would get asked lots of questions at some point. But Severide was relieved that he had had a place to spend the night at, because he wasn't ready for the lecture Matt and Erin were going to give him. He had texted Lindsay to let her know he was in one piece, but he had something more important to take care of before going back to Casey's apartment…

He got back to Matt's place, extremely glad that his car keys were in the inner pocket of his jacket so that there was no need for him to go inside. Getting into his car, he drove away immediately. Hour and a half later, he pulled over on the quiet street Benny Severide and his family were living.

He rang the bell twice before the door opened and a very surprised Severide senior looked at him. "I'll be damned!" Benny exclaimed, letting his son in. "What the hell happened to your face?"

"Kelly!" A 13-years old boy yelled in excitement before Squad Lt. had the chance to reply. The boy looked a lot like him at this age and it was clear that they were brothers, half-brothers to be more specific.

"Hey kiddo! You're growing up too fast. Benny's feeding you alright?"

"A bit too much actually! Told you not to eat chips for breakfast, Mickey." The older Severide scolded his younger son, not letting the older one out of his sight. There was something wrong with Kelly and he had to get to the bottom of the problem.

"Kelly, did you get hurt on a call?" Mickey asked, inspecting his face. Yeah, fires were exciting for a teenage boy.

"Something like that."

"Hey, don't you have homework to do?" Benny did his best to send Mickey off and get some privacy with Kelly. He motioned to the Squad Lt. to follow him into the living room, to the couch, then waited patiently until Kelly seemed ready for a conversation. "You gonna tell me what happened to you, or I'll have to guess?"

"It's nothing, dad. Had a small accident, let it go."

"Okay. Then why are you here? You don't just come all the way to Kenosha to have coffee with me."

"I guess you haven't heard the news." Kelly growled, not looking at his father. He told him everything about Hadley and the arsonist, and by his tone, Severide senior could tell that his son had something in mind.

"You sure it's him?"

"Sure as hell! But I need to know who's setting up fires for him!"

"Kelly, if you want my help you need to promise me that you won't stoop to their level."

"I'll do whatever it's necessary - "

"Kelly!"

"Now is the time to be the father I've never had!" Kelly snapped, and his dad didn't hide the pain he felt. Unfortunately, the younger Severide was right, and he couldn't let dim down, again. Because Benny knew his son well enough to be sure that Kelly wouldn't stop until he got to the men responsible for the death of too many people.

"What do you need me to do? Benny sighed. He made his way into the kitchen and grabbed a mug of instant coffee while Kelly was figuring out what exactly to say.

"You know people in Arson, right?"

"Depends on what people you need."

"People high up, dad." Squad Lt. barked, taking gratefully the coffee his father had just offered him. He really needed a refresher after the previous night. "I need everything they've got so far. I wanna see all the evidence, suspect list, documents, statements, anything that may point out who's doing it…he knows me, knows everyone at 51 - "

"And you think you can identify him by interfering with the investigation?" Benny cut him off, making a good point that Kelly couldn't not understand, unfortunately.

"I gotta do something!" Severide junior finished his coffee and put the empty mug on the table. "I also need to know what evidence Hadley's gonna use in court. He's getting out of jail only over my dead body!"

"Kelly, please, let the state attorney do her job. If Hadley or his lawyer find out what you're doing, they will use it against you and you'll screw up AI's investigation and everything!" Benny argued, but the expression on Kelly's face suggested that he didn't care what his father was saying.

"You did what you had to do for Katie. Now's my turn to do it for Shay! Would you help me out, or I'll have to do it the hard way?" Kelly wasn't joking. He had a plan B. A plan B that involved breaking into a couple of offices at the AI building. Because for him, his life didn't matter. He was going to get his revenge.

Benny took a deep breath before answering. "I'll see what I can do. Will call you later."

Xxx

"Hurry up, Kenie, we can't be late again!" Herrmann yelled at his son. It was Saturday morning and they had a kid's hockey tournament to attend.

The arsonist smiled widely. He hated Christopher Herrmann and house 51 so much. After the Herrmann's left, he waited for ten minutes before he got out his car. He took the emergency spare key that the family was hiding into the branches of a bush next to the house, and let himself in quietly. He got to the basement, put the small bag he was carrying on the floor and started unpacking. Fifteen minutes later everything was ready for the following morning…the morning when Herrmann was going to leave for work early, while his family was going to be still sleeping on a Sunday morning. The arsonist was sure it was going to happen that way, because he had been observing the family for a long time. Then he was going to start the fire. The fire that was going to destroy many more lives, totally disrupt Kelly's mental state and guarantee Hadley a ticket to the outside world.

He walked out, careful not to leave any traces behind, and drove away. Twenty minutes later, he was standing in front of a payphone in a totally unfamiliar part of the city. He grabbed it and dialled a number he knew by heart.

"_Severide" _A voice growled from the other side of the line, and the tone suggested that the man knew who was calling.

"Lieutenant! How are you doing lately?"

"_Listen to me you piece of - "_

"Your manners are terrible, as always." The arsonist laughed, feeling enormous satisfaction.

"_What do you want? You want me, you can have me!"_

"Don't worry, I'll get exactly what I want."

"_And what's that?"_

"You'll see. But right now you seem to be very bored. Or why else did you start that bar fight last night?

"_How -"_

"Shut up and listen to me! You have 20 hours, give or take a few, to find out who's next. Are you capable of saving a friend or someone else is going to die because of you?"

"_Why are you doing it?!" Kelly yelled._

"Tick-tack…" The line went dead.

Xxx

Lindsay and Casey heard every word of the conversation Kelly had just had with the arsonist. He had gone to Matt's place only a couple minutes before getting the call, and had ran into the guest bedroom, mentally too exhausted to explain to the people there what was wrong with his face. Truck Lt. and the detective were trying to give Severide some time alone and let him reach out to them whenever he was ready, but a loud outcry after the phone call and the sound of broken glass changed their minds.

"Kelly, you okay?" Erin growled, running inside, Matt following her. They found him sitting on the bed, his body shivering from the anger he was feeling.

"It was him." Severide mumbled, but they got the message. "I…gotta go." He jumped off the bed, not realizing how tired his body was until his feet betrayed him and he stumbled. Luckily, Casey caught him in time and guided him back to the bed.

"What you gotta do is get some rest. I see you've had an eventful night." Matt growled, referring to the bruises on his face. "Kelly, you're doing Hadley a favour with every stupid move you make!"

"Don't need anybody telling me what a failure I am, Casey! I already know it." Kelly barked. Truck Lt. looked at him in confusion, wondering if his friend's words had anything to do with the phone call.

"Casey, would you - " Lindsay pointed the door with her head. Matt didn't like it, but he left. Maybe it was better if someone feeling a lot calmer than him talked to Kelly, because Casey was finding it hard to control his own emotions anymore. Whoever the arsonist was, for whatever reason he and Hadley were doing it, they were getting on everyone's nerves.

"Sorry." Severide mumbled an apology. Erin didn't reply but sat on the bed next him, inspecting his face.

"Listen to me, Kelly. Roman called me after the bar fight last night, concerned about you! I know what happened wasn't your fault, but you're getting self-destructive again."

"I'm fine…"

"No. Look yourself in the mirror!" Lindsay waited until Squad Lt. did so. "Do you recognize that man? 'cuz I don't."

Kelly looked at the pale shadow he had become, remembering the last time he had felt alive. _"Yea, always._" Her smile that day, just before his whole world had collapsed, that had been the last time Kelly Severide had felt happiness, had had a reason to live…No, he couldn't recognize the man staring at him from the mirror, but he knew it was him. A shell without a soul, soul stolen by Hadley and another monster, then broken into pieces and thrown away somewhere. "This is who I am now." He mumbled with sadness in his voice.

Erin grimaced. Her next move took Kelly by surprise. She placed her soft hand on his, and his entire body trembled under the unexpected touch. It felt good, like the old times, when they had been happy together and his life had seemed so much simpler. It was as if somebody cared about him, as if it wasn't him against the world. He locked eyes with her, letting his body enjoy the moment, the first good one since what seemed like forever.

"Kelly, I can't even imagine the size of the hole Shay left in your heart, and I know that neither me, nor Matt would ever fill it in. But you've no idea how much both of us love you and how painful it is to watch you fall apart like this, and not being able to help you."

"I…I need your help." He couldn't believe how hard it was to say those words.

"You've got it." Erin assured him, not letting go of his hand.

"He called me ten minutes ago." Kelly took his mobile with one hand, scrolling down his media list until he reached the file he was looking for. He played the whole conversation he had just had with the arsonist, feeling a new wave of anger rising inside him. If it wasn't Lindsay's hand on top of his, he would have smashed the phone against the wall. "I knew it was him calling so I recorded it." He explained, without being asked. "We need to stop him!"

"I'm calling Voight and the team…Kelly, we'll stop him."

Squad Lt. didn't say loudly the question that popped into his mind, but for Lindsay it was clear that he did not believe her. Frankly said, she wasn't sure if she believed it herself.

"You need to do something for me, too." She said with firm voice. "You may not wanna admit it but talking to Kara helps you. Please let Casey take you to the meeting today….Please, Kelly, for me." She added, having noticed the hesitation on his face.

"Just…stop him. I'll…I'll go to the meeting."

Xxx

Next morning Kelly walked into the kitchen of firehouse 51, getting a mug of strong coffee. He was hoping that being there and fighting fires would take his mind off the arsonist and his threats, but he couldn't stop looking at his watch and mobile, praying that Erin would call him with good news before they ran out of time and someone else died. He was also expecting the promised call from his dad, but so far he had nothing. He had to admit that talking to Kara the previous day had helped him calm down a bit and get control over his anger, but only the slightest thing could trigger it again. That was what Casey was scared of…

"Wow, Severide, what's with you and Newhouse lately? Don't tell me there's a competition "ugliest face of 51" I don't know about." Capp chuckled, earning a disapproving look from Truck Lt. Severide hadn't told anyone, except for Casey and Erin, what had happened to his face, even though half the people there had already asked him, including Chief.

"Aren't you on bathroom duty, Capp?" Matt growled, protectively.

"Yea, Capp, go clean it already! It stinks." Herrmann added and Dawson looked at him disgusted.

"_Truck 81, Ambo 61, Engine 51, Squad 3, Structure fire at…"_ They all froze, listening to the exact address and details.

"That's my house!" Herrmann yelled, panic evident in his voice, already on his way to Truck…

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**Thank you all for reading! **

**Problems always find Kelly, bar fights too, haha! Well, I know he didn't save anyone from a fire, but he did save the girl from the drunk idiot, hope you liked it. It's good that he let off some steam, using someone who deserved it as a punching bag. **

**I find it weird that Kelly has no connection to his half-brother whatsoever and I've always wanted to see them together, so the moment looked good. What do you think? And of course, Lindsay's gentle touch – I know it's not much, but I find it cute, don't you think so? **

**Poor Herrmann. Let's pray for him and his family.**

**I'd love to hear your opinion, no matter what it is, so please review! **** Thanks.**


	5. Chapter 5

_Warning:__ The story contains spoilers for season 3, 2 and 1_

_Disclaimer:__ I do not own any of the characters or the plot of Chicago Fire and Chicago PD. I do not own the lyrics of the songs used. This story is intended for fun only and I am not making any money with it!_

**Chapter 5**

"Herrmann, they'll be fine." Otis gave a supporting look to his friend who was on the verge of a mental break-down. They were two minutes away from the structure fire, the fire at Christopher's home, where his whole family was, but the 120 seconds felt like forever. Squad 3 and Ambo 61 were just behind them, Engine already on scene, updating Casey and Severide on the situation.

"Lieutenant, you think it's the arsonist?" Mouch had to yell in order for Matt to hear him.

"We do our job. Leave the assumptions and investigation to AI!" Truck Lt. yelled back, but a big part of him already knew the answer, so did Severide.

When Truck came to a stop, everyone jumped off their seats immediately, awaiting orders, Herrmann frantically searching for his family with his eyes. It was bad. Really bad. The whole house and parts of the neighboring two were on fire, the flames destroying everything in their way.

"Christopher!" Cindy yelled out of nowhere, running toward him with Lee and Kenny. "They're still inside!" She screamed, not letting Mills take care of her children, fearing that she might lose them, too.

"Let's move it!" Boden hissed through greeted teeth, preparing to go inside himself.

"Herrmann, you stay here!" Casey ordered, Severide already running inside with no plan whatsoever, Capp asking him what exactly to do without getting an answer back. A second after they disappeared inside, there was an explosion in the basement.

"Luke went to the basement…" Cindy cried out, looking at her husband in shock. The kid had gone downstairs to check on the new bike they had got him after the baseball game the previous day.

"I'll find him!" Herrmann promised his wife, not giving a damn that he was going to disobey Casey's direct orders. Not wasting any more time, he followed Squad inside, heading downstairs. "Severide, basement!" He yelled to the Squad Lt, who was close to him, the rest of Truck running toward the first floor, where all the bedrooms were.

"Casey, Cruz, check the bathroom!" Chief ordered, knowing that Christopher had told his kids to cover themselves with wet clothes or blankets in case they ever got trapped in a fire.

"Heeelp!" Chief and Otis heard a girl crying in her room. She was having troubles breathing, but was alive. Both firemen felt relieved when they saw one of her siblings curled up in a ball under the bed, terrified. Otis grabbed his small body, preparing to take him out, when a second explosion sounded in the hallway, the resulting fire blocking their way.

"Mouch, we're trapped! We need the ladder!" Chief yelled through the window Otis had just opened, hoping that it wouldn't take the people on the ground too long…time they did not have…."Casey, get out, we've got them." Boden told his Truck Lt. through the radio, but he was met by silence. "Casey! Severide! Anyone?" Chief yelled again, quickly realizing their communications were blocked…

Kelly followed Herrmann into the burning basement. The flames had already engulfed what was left of the walls and ceiling after the explosion, but the boy couldn't be seen anywhere. Christopher looked around frantically, barely holding it together – the lives of three of his kids were hanging in the balance, his home was completely destroyed…

"Luke! Call out!" Severide yelled, but all he could hear was the sound of flames eating the wooden basement.

"Luke Herrmann!" Herrmann did the same, as if using his son's last name would change anything. He moved toward the rare end of the room where he had left the bike the day before. "Severide, get the hell out of here!" The Truck member yelled, watching in shier horror as the flames neared the electric installation of the house close to the same spot his son's body was laying. Luke was pressed down under the bike that had knocked him out and one of Herrmann's spare tires that had crushed his small hand.

Severide jumped on the floor, covering his head with his arms to protect himself from the explosion blast. Not wasting time, he uncovered his face and stood up, but he could not see the other fireman anymore. He was grateful when Herrmann's pass alarm started beeping 18 seconds later as it directed him toward his fallen colleague and his kid.

"Crap!" Kelly cursed under his breath, reaching Christopher. His mask was dislocated and broken, his head bleeding. "Come on, buddy!" Squad Lt. checked Herrmann's pulse, finding it weak, his breathing sporadic. Making a quick decision, Kelly removed his mask and placed it securely on Herrmann's face. Holding his breath for as long as possible, he pushed the tire away, then moved the bike. "No, no, no." Panic overwhelmed him when he realized that Luke wasn't breathing. It was his fault. More lives ruined. His friends suffering. His fault. Erin had promised him to stop the arsonist. He had believed her. His fault…He had to do something. Anything. He knew he was alone, having realized minutes earlier that their communication system wasn't working. He couldn't perform CPR in there as he was already struggling to breathe himself. Kelly grabbed Luke's body, trying not to think that he was abandoning the unconscious Herrmann inside, and ran toward the stairs that led him to the first floor close to the exit.

"Casey!" Severide yelled. Fortunately, Matt's brain registered someone calling out his name and turned around instead of leaving the burning house. Truck Lt. looked at his friend in horror, but Kelly had no time to explain. "Not breathing!" He barked and left Luke in Casey's strong hands. Matt opened his mouth to order his friend to get out, but Squad Lt. was already gone into the basement again so the only option Casey had was to take Luke outside and pray.

Following Herrmann's pass alarm, Kelly got to him, his vision becoming blurry due the lack of oxygen and the heat building up down there, his movements getting slower without him realizing it, his body being tired from not getting enough rest the days before. He grabbed Christopher by the arms in an attempt to drag him to the other side of the room where the stairs were. What his oxygen deprived brain didn't register were the wooden pieces falling from the ceiling. Just before one of them hit him, he tried covering his head with his hands, but a second later his whole world went blank…

Xxx

"_What are you doing, Severide?" It was Shay, he could smell her perfume, but all he could see was darkness, no face. "Don't you see that everyone around you gets hurt?!"_

"_Shay, please…" He reached out in an attempt to touch her, but he could not see her in the darkness. He needed to apologize, needed to tell her how sorry he was, but it wasn't going to change anything. She was gone…they were all gone, forever…because of him. _"Shay…Shay." He kept mumbling over and over again, struggling to lift his hand and reach out for her, grab her and pull her back into his world! A wave of panic overwhelmed him when he realized that he couldn't hear her voice anymore, that he was all alone in the prison of his own mind. She was gone.

"Kelly!" Erin growled, fighting her friend's attempts to jump out of bed. The tormented expression on his face indicated that he was having nightmares, experiencing extreme terror even, and Lindsay feared that he might hurt himself.

"Damn it…Severide!" Casey muttered, holding him by the arm and pushing him down. Kelly was coming round after being out for twenty hours, having being given a sedative to keep him calm at Chicago Med.

Erin wrapped her hand around his, squeezing it gently. She could feel the trembling of his body, but she could do nothing to take the pain away.

"That's it." Matt smiled when Kelly finally relaxed, still struggling to open his eyes, but the nightmare was gone. "Okay, take your time."

It took the Squad Lt. another ten minutes to gain consciousness, his eyes finally snapping wide open, staring directly at Casey, who was sitting on a chair next to the bed. He turned his head around slowly, looking at Lindsay who was still holding his hand.

"Hey." She greeted him with a smile, but he didn't return it, looking at her and the Truck Lt. confused. Kelly had not recollection whatsoever of how he had ended up in a hospital for a second time in less than a week.

"The nurses will start charging you for the room." Matt's joke was intended to lighten the mood, but it failed. He opened his mouth to tell his friend how stupid it had been to give up his mask to someone else and run back into basement, having done the same only a couple of months earlier, but he realized that it would be pointless. The look in Kelly's eyes was one of a man who did not care. "You have to thank Capp and Tony for saving your ass. You were lucky they found you before - "

"Luke and Herrmann?" Severide cut him off, scared to hear the answer. It was clear that it was a question neither Erin, not Matt wanted to answer to, but somebody had to.

"Herrmann's gonna be okay…thanks to your stupidity. He has a consciousness, a nasty wound on the head and some burns on the right leg, but he'll be okay. Giving him your mask probably saved his life. His doctor wants to monitor him for a couple of days to make sure his head's okay."

"Luke?"

Matt and Erin exchanged worried looks, Lindsay taking a deep breath before answering. "Still in the ICU. His brain's been without oxygen for a long time so they…they don't know, Kelly. Time will show."

Kelly closed his eyes, wishing for the people in his room to disappear and leave him alone in his misery, but they were still there when he opened them a few seconds later. Casey and Erin were looking at him in concern, giving the impression that there was more to come. "What? Anyone else hurt or injured because of me?!" He barked.

"Otis and Boden found Lilly and her brother on the first floor. The kids and Otis are okay. Chief was holding the door of the room shut until the three of them made it save on the ladder. He got some first degree burns after letting go, but it's nothing to be worried about." Truck Lt. told the truth, feeling like Kelly deserved to know everything.

"The house?" Kelly asked, knowing how much Herrmann had struggled to get a home for his family.

"Completely ruined." Matt answered quietly, looking away in frustration. It was not fair. An innocent kid was fighting for his life, an innocent family had lost everything…"Mouch offered them his place. Truck and Squad are off rotation for the next two shifts, so Mouch will be staying with the kids, Cindy is with Herrmann next door…they are not allowed in the ICU with Luke yet."

"Herrmann's sharing a room with Boden. Everybody's there if you wanna join them." Erin suggested, hoping that it might help the Squad Lt. deal with what had happened.

"And do what?!" Kelly growled, the monitor attached to his body showing that his heart rate was going up. "Apologize? Maybe tell their kid how sorry I am that he might not make it because of me?"

"Nobody blames you." Lindsay told the truth, but her words meant nothing to the mentally drained Squad Lt.

"I BLAME MYSELF!" Severide's anger exploded.

"Hey, calm down, okay?" Casey put his hand on Kelly's shoulder, partly to provide him with some support, partly to make sure Severide stayed in bed. "You were already sedated once today."

"Huh?" Squad Lt. glared at Matt.

"When you came round in the ambo you were throwing up and fighting the EMTs at the same time. Your breathing wasn't good after the amount of smoke you've inhaled, but you kept pushing the oxygen mask away so the ER team decided to sedate you before you harmed yourself more." Casey explained, having been in the ambulance with Kelly, experiencing the same nightmare Severide had been through with him after getting the head injury.

"You should have left me to die…would have been better for everyone." Kelly mumbled, pushing Matt's hand away in order to get up, but Erin stopped him.

"Where are you going?" The CPD detective asked, letting Severide's comment slip. Kelly was way too affected to think straight or have a normal conversation.

"Out of here…to do what you didn't."

"What's that?"

"You promised you were gonna stop him, Erin!"

It hurt…it hurt that Kelly thought that way. She had tried, her whole team had tried, but the arsonist was good...He was winning the game…Severide was losing what faith in her he had, was losing his trust in them, in himself, in life.

"We will!"

"It's too late now." Kelly looked away, hiding the pain in his eyes.

"Your doctor wants to keep you overnight." Matt informed him, his tone not leaving room for negotiation. Having got not money, or his car, Kelly was dependent on him. "I'm staying right here tonight to make sure you get rest." Having said that, Casey sank into one of the plastic chairs and leaned backwards, taking the most comfortable position possible. Kelly didn't say a word more, staring through the window with indifferent expression on his face. A few minutes later Erin gave Matt a sad smile and left, having told him earlier that she had to go back to the district and work on the case…the arsonist case, the one they hadn't solved on time.

But Lindsay wasn't angry with the Squad Lt. for being mad at her. Kelly Severide meant too much to her. She wasn't going to let him push her away, ever again…

Xxx

The arsonist got home with a pack of six beers, tired after the long day. He remembered the days when his big house had been full of life, full with laughing kids, had smelled like home-cooked dinner, his wife. Now it was empty, dark, cold. His wife had left him, taking his three beautiful children hundreds of miles away, because of what house 51 had done to him…he wanted them to feel the same way, wanted Herrmann to see what it was like to lose a child, a home, his entire life. That's why he had agreed to Hadley's plan – causing Kelly pain through hurting a happy family man and his big family, people who did not deserve their happiness…perfect.

He turned the TV on and grinned – the news channel was showing footage of the fire at Christopher's home, the fire he had set. They showed Mills and Brett fighting for Luke's life, injured Chief saving two kids, Squad dragging their lieutenant out of the house, the unconscious Herrmann. They said that one of the kids was in a coma, the doctors were losing him…all the destruction…chaos…Hadley would be proud with him. Certainly, he was proud of himself.

Xxx

When Casey woke up in the morning, his body stiffened, having been on the chair for too long, he noticed a pair of lifeless blue eyes staring at him. Kelly was fully awake, no sign that he had slept at all. The tough day they had had, had taken its toll on the Truck Lt. who had fallen asleep immediately after closing his eyes.

"Watching me sleep is creepy." Matt finally broke the silence, not sure what else to say. Maybe that it wasn't Kelly's fault? – he had said it million times already, but his friend was refusing to believe it. And honestly, Casey wouldn't have either.

"Huh?" Kelly murmured, having registered Casey's voice without making sense of the words.

"You slept at all?"

"Wasn't tired after the twenty hours I was out." Kelly replied sarcastically.

"You gave us no other choice!"

"Whatever."

Casey cursed in despair, getting up slowly. "I'm gonna check on Herrmann and Luke. You coming?"

"I told you I don't wanna see them, Casey! When can I get the hell out of here?"

"Lindsay's picking us up at 12." Matt replied in a tone saying that Severide would have to deal with the presence of the CPD detective, as Casey, just like everyone else, was still in his uniform, having not been home to take his truck. "She's gonna bring you some clothes."

Four hours later the three of them climbed into Erin's car on their way to Casey's place, in complete silence. The news on Luke weren't good, but Kelly didn't want to hear a word about it, trying to pretend it hadn't happened, not able to handle all the guilt. The kid was still in the ICU in a medically induced coma, intubated, a machine breathing for him.

At Casey's apartment, Severide sat on the couch, turning the laptop he had left on the table before their last shift on. With the corner of his eyes, he could see Erin and Casey arguing in the kitchen, sure that he was the subject of their heated conversation. Ignoring them completely, he opened his inbox and saw the email he had been hoping to get – from his father, photos of documents and evidence. He quickly closed it when he heard his friend moving in his direction.

"You've got mail." Matt handed him an envelope, having already seen its content. "Your presence is being requested in court. Hadley's case is going to be review next Monday…if found innocent, his record would be cleared. I'd have to testify too."

Severide grabbed the letter with a shacking hand and read every word twice, then crumpled the white paper and threw it on the table, refusing to deal with the information there. Maybe pretending that nothing had happened would change the reality, maybe it was a nightmare after all and he was going to wake up and continue with his relatively happy life at his apartment, with Shay...

"Kelly." Erin whispered, wrapping her arms around him. He buried his head in her chest, silently letting the tears go…

_You know you need a fix when you fall down_  
_You know you need to find a way_  
_To get you through another day_  
_Let me be the one to numb you out_  
_Let me be the one to hold you_  
_Never gonna let you get away_

_The shoulder you cry on_  
_The dose that you die on_

_(Three Days Grace – "Painkiller")_

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**Hey guys, thank you all for the continuous support, you're awesome! **

**The arsonist is a damn SOB, isn't he? Hadley's the same actually. The good news is that you'll soon find out who the mysterious bad guy is…at least then you'll have a face and another name to hate, haha. On another note, I was shocked that Hadley was sort of a good guy during the cross-over…Hadley, helping Kelly in any way? Lol!**

**I feel really sorry for the Herrmann's, what do you think? Would Christopher go after the arsonist, or he'll take care of his family and leave it to Kelly? Also, I made up the name of his girl (Lilly) as it has never been mentioned on the show so far.**

**Hope you enjoyed the broments and Linseride. I was certainly expecting more broments on the cross-over, not thaaat much Kelly/Dawson. And there was the perfect opportunity for some Linseride on the show, or even a love triangle, but no…someday, maybe. **

**As always, I'd love to hear your opinion, no matter what it is, so please review! **** Thanks!**


	6. Chapter 6

_Warning:__ The story contains spoilers for season 3, 2 and 1_

_Disclaimer:__ I do not own any of the characters or the plot of Chicago Fire and Chicago PD. I do not own the lyrics of the songs used. I do not own the text taken directly from the show. This story is intended for fun only and I am not making any money with it!_

**Chapter 6**

Four days had passed since the fire at Herrmann's house, but Luke was still in the ICU, his lungs too weak to take in air without the help of an apparatus. Christopher was sitting close to the bed of his son, just watching his pale face. The doctors kept telling him that 20% chance of surviving and 10% of full recovery were better than zero, but he wasn't stupid…he had seen too many fire casualties with the same injuries Luke had…most of them already dead.

"When was the last time you've slept, Herrmann?" Casey's voice startled him. Christopher turned around, not bothering to hide his watery eyes.

"The night before that monster did this to my son!" Herrmann barked. He had left Luke's site only twice in the past few days.

"Any updates?" Matt asked, sitting on the second available chair.

"Still the same...he can't breathe on his own, Casey! I wish…I wish I could give him my lungs or something…he's just a kid! What has he done to that SOB to deserve it?!"

"If we knew what Severide has done to him..." Matt sighed in frustration, having had a heated confrontation with the Squad Lt. just before heading to the hospital. After getting the letter instructing him when to go to court for Hadley's new trial, Kelly had fallen into a deep black hole, and Casey feared that they had lost him forever. Kelly had been spending most of his time in his bedroom, doing God knows what, eating just enough to get him through the day, having constant nightmares during the rare occasions he had tried sleeping. Matt had seen him go running a few times and had tried getting into the spare room to see what his friend had been up to, only to find the door locked.

"I don't blame him, Casey." Herrmann shook his head, having said it many times to everyone from 51 except for Kelly. Severide hadn't visited Luke even once, hadn't talked to Herrmann or anyone else. "That dirtbag is insane!"

"I know." Matt mumbled, patting Christopher's shoulder. "Listen, I know it's not the time to ask you for favors and I'll understand if you don't wanna do it…but Severide's blaming himself for what happened along with many other things, and he's losing it…I don't know what to do anymore."

"How can I help?" Herrmann asked, forgetting for a split second his own problems.

"I hate asking you to leave Luke's side, but I'd really appreciate it if you could stop by my place for a few minutes and just talk to him…maybe if he hears it from you, he'll believe it's not his fault."

"Okay." The Truck member granted his superior with a nod before fixing his eyes on Luke again. "Cindy's coming in an hour and I'll come with you."

"Thanks, Herrmann."

"Is there anything new about…about who did this?"

"No. CPD found no DNA, no prints, nothing besides the metal coil, Severide's badge number, and the leftovers of two small propane tanks that have been hidden under the stairs." Casey explained in frustration. "You know Voight's not giving up easily, right?"

"Yea…" Herrmann murmured, starting to lose hope that justice would be served.

Xxx

Kelly was staring at the photos hanging on his bedroom wall, having spent the last two hours looking at the faces of people who had been at the fire scenes, trying to see if there was somebody familiar, somebody who liked watching the chaos he had created…but they were all random people, different men and women at every scene.

The whole wall was covered in different groups of photos and maps, highlighted locations and text could be easily distinguished, but there was nothing pointing toward their arsonist, nothing that would help Kelly pin the so many deaths on Hadley in court.

As Truck and Squad had been off rotation for the last two shifts, Kelly had been spending every second of the last four days going through the evidence his dad had sent him, desperate to find anything. Was he going crazy? Probably, yes. At least that's what Casey, Dawson and Erin were thinking. They'd been the only three people to had seen him after the arson at Herrmann's home, but he had done his best to keep them at a distance…

_***Flashback***_

"_What the hell are you doing, Casey?" Kelly barked, outraged. He had been jogging in the nearby park for the past half an hour, only to find Erin and Matt trying to pick the lock he had put on the door of his room when he got back._

"_Kelly, please…we're worried!" Erin whispered, staying by the door like frozen. She knew that what they had been trying to do was wrong, but the Squad Lt. had left them no other choice. They couldn't just sit and watch him destroy himself and everyone who cared about him._

"_What, you tricked me into going out so you could get into my room?" Severide eyed them, anger radiating from his words._

"_It's my room, Severide!" Casey argued, not realizing that he had said something wrong until he saw a wave of pain flash through his friend's eyes. "I've got the right to know what's going on inside!"_

"_You know what Casey – give me five minutes to get my stuff and I'll be out of your property. " _

"_Kelly I didn't mean it - "_

"_I don't wanna bring you more troubles than I already have…"_

_Truck Lt. exhaled sharply in pure desperation, stepping back, feeling like he had nothing more to say. Not many people knew how tough everything had been for Matt, not many people were realizing that he hadn't had any time to grieve, being there for the entire house instead, being the glue that had been holding them together. Sometimes he was feeling like the battle was already lost, that they had lost Kelly…then he had to remind himself that there was still some hope, hidden somewhere, and they needed to find it. _

_Having made only two steps, Matt stopped, fixing his eyes on Severide. "You know what, go ahead, do whatever you want…I can't help you if you don't let me." The blonde Lt. turned around and disappeared out of their sight in a huff. He went to the darkest corner of the kitchen, where he sat down alone and for the first time in a long time he allowed himself to cry._

_Kelly said nothing. He took out the key for the lock out of his pocket and unlocked it, but Erin grabbed his hand to stop him before he had the chance to pull the handle and disappear inside the prison he had created. He trembled under her touch, the mask of someone who did not care about the world that he had put on his face beginning to fall down._

"_You're hurting people who wanna help you." She told him, sure that he already knew it. What she couldn't understand was why._

"_It's for the better, trust me." He hissed, keeping his voice low._

"_Would Shay have wanted that?" Erin asked, looking him in the glassy blue eyes before releasing her grip and leaving him alone. She had told Casey earlier that day that Ruzek and Olinsky had found a noisy neighbor of Herrmann, who might have seen somebody stalking the family in the days preceding the fire…now they were going to have a chat with Mrs. Noah._

_***End of flashback***_

No…Shay would have been mad at him for pushing people away…Letting out a curse, Kelly heard the front door open and the footsteps of more than one person. Knowing that Dawson was at Molly's and Lindsay was working late, he let his curiosity lead him into the living room, where he was met by Casey and Herrmann.

"Nice place." Christopher commented casually, having not been there before. Casey and Dawson had moved there soon after Shay's death, then Severide had moved in with them, and it had never been a good time for the couple to have a party with their friends and show them their new home.

"Dawson found it…you hungry? I think she's left us something for dinner in the oven."

"I could use some normal food." The Truck member agreed, his body begging him for some food different from hospital sandwiches.

"You eating?" Matt shot Kelly a glance. Squad Lt. was leaning against the door frame, still wearing his running clothes.

"_Would Shay have wanted that"_ Erin's words sounded in his head. "Yeah." He finally agreed hesitantly, sitting across the table.

"Thanks for saving my ass." Herrmann broke the awkward silence between him and the Squad Lt. just before Casey returned into the living room with a tray of baked potatoes with bacon.

Kelly looked away, having being avoiding Christopher for so long that he had no idea what to say. "You've gotta thank Capp and Tony, not me." He murmured, focusing his attention on the food that Matt had just served.

"Team work." Herrmann replied, filling up his plate with the tasty dish. "If it wasn't for your mask I'd have suffocated long before Tony and Capp pulled me out."

Kelly felt a big lump form into his throat. Herrmann was grateful? What for? He was the reason Luke was fighting for his life, he was the reason the family was homeless. Severide took a sip of the glass of water sitting next to his plate, but the lump didn't disappear. For a moment he felt as if he couldn't breathe, but when Truck Lt. looked at him in concern, he managed to gain control over his emotions.

"Listen Kelly, I know what you're thinking, but nobody blames you. The house…we'll figure out a way to get a new one…" Herrmann paused, taking a breath before continuing. "Luke…Luke's a tough kid, he'll pull through…he has to, right? You know what he told me last week – "dad, you can't let the arsonist win." He is not gonna let him win!" Christopher wiped away the tears that had formed into his eyes, before speaking again. "If it wasn't for you, he…he wouldn't even have the chance he has now."

"He's a fighter, like his parents." Casey reassured him, finishing his dinner. He had lost any hope that Severide would say anything at all when Kelly put his fork down and looked at Herrmann with determination in his eyes.

"I'll get him." Squad Lt. barked, fixing his attention at the Truck Lt. "Benny sent me photos and copies of everything AI and CPD have got so far…if he has made only one mistake, I'll get him and take him to hell with me."

Up to that point Casey had been thinking that finding out what his friend was up to would put his mind at ease, but he quickly realized that was not the case. He didn't have the chance to say anything as his fellow Lt. quickly got up, put his empty plate into the sink and disappeared back into his room.

"Don't give up on him, Casey."

"I won't."

"Good." Herrmann smiled, making his Lt. wonder how he had the strength to smile and worry for others after what had happened to his family. "I have to head back…don't want to leave Cindy alone."

"Yea…thanks, Herrmann."

Xxx

On Saturday, it was their first shift after the tragedy from a week earlier. But it wasn't going to be a shift like any other. Even though they were all there, all calls for 51 were going to be redirected for two hours. Members of the firehouse, dressed up in their formal uniforms, were sitting quietly in the dinner area, while everything was being prepared…it was the day of Shay's memorial ceremony. Even Herrmann had left his son's bedside to pay his respects to and mourn his friend…

Many people were gathering to pay their respect to Leslie Elisabeth Shay...every single member of 51, former or current, members of CPD's Intelligence units, people living in the neighborhood whose lives Shay had saved…they were all there, some of them taking part in the formal ceremony, other just watching, remembering the blonde paramedic who had left a big gap in their hearts.

What nobody knew was that he was also there. The man responsible for the death of Shay was among them, dressed up in the uniform he had never returned after CFD had discharged him. He was hiding the smug on his face with tears, but he didn't have to…nobody had noticed his presence.

Kelly could hear the people outside, but he still wasn't ready. He had spent the last 45 minutes dressing up, and hiding, in his quarters, his trembling hands now allowing him to put on his tie. He kept telling himself that he could do it, that he could go there and face all the people, but the reality was that his legs were refusing to move, his whole body being paralyzed with fear. He couldn't even turn around when the door of his quarters creaked open and somebody walked in, making sure to close it quietly. Severide kept fighting with the tie, desperate to do it right, until Lindsay moved forward and put her gentle hands on top of his, the tie hanging loose on his neck.

"Everyone's waiting for you." The detective informed him, examining the result of his failed attempt to tie his tie.

"I thought I could do it." He mumbled, letting Erin fix the tie. "It's been nine months!" He sobbed, allowing himself to grief in front of Erin. Nine months…but the pain was still there, being even stronger than in the days following the building collapse, because his mind had had enough time to process the fact that Shay wasn't coming back, ever again.

"You know, this ceremony is to remind us of what a great person Shay was." Lindsay kept her voice low, but she did not let go of Kelly's trembling hands. "Keep thinking of the good times, Kelly, forget about the bad moments at least now." She added. But how could it be so simple and yet so hard? "C'mon, let's go."

Kelly fixed his hair quickly before grabbing his hat, and letting Lindsay lead the way out. Swallowing the lump forming in his throat, he took his place among the other members of 51. The layout of the ceremony was beautiful, graceful. But there, among the grieving fireman and CPD members, stood the reason for their misery. He wanted to be mad that nobody had noticed him, but he couldn't, because he could see their tormented faces, their tears, their misery, and it was enough to satisfy his sick mind.

The only reason Kelly was holding it together was Erin Lindsay, who was two rows of people behind him, dressed up in her uniform, watching him without being able to do anything to help him. She didn't know it, but he was following her advice, remembering Shay's plans to have a baby with him. But that, just like many other plans and dreams they had had, would never come true. Kelly felt as if his shacking legs would betray him when Dawson stood in front of all of them, preparing to say a few words about her best friend, looking at Megan, Shay's sister, who had come to Chicago for the ceremony…

"_A lot's changed at 51 since losing Shay. We've welcomed in some new friends. Got a new rig and a dream of mine came true, but here's what hasn't changed, this house. This family. It's all as strong as it ever was. Even stronger, because I think deep down in the quiet moments, we think to our self Shay would want us to be better. She'd want us to represent her every time we go out. You had an amazing sister, Megan, and I am so lucky to have been her friend."_

There was so much truth in Gabby's words, but there was one thing she didn't mention. Kelly knew Shay would have wanted justice, not for her own death, but for all the others the arsonist had hurt, for Herrmann and his family, for his kid…And Severide was determined to serve justice, for all of them, and for Shay, too.

Half an hour later the ceremony was over, but the emptiness inside him was still there. With the corner of his eyes, he saw Clarke walking in his direction, but Squad Lt. wasn't in a mood for talking. He turned around in the opposite direction and disappeared behind the firehouse. Sitting on the bench close to the back exit, he loosened his tie, removed the hat off his head and buried his face in his hands.

Kelly couldn't hear anything through his own sobs, his ears not registering the presence of another man there until he spoke, his voice loud and arrogant.

"I was devastated when I heard." The man smirked, causing Severide to look at him in disbelief. When Kelly's mind processed what was going on, he jumped on his feet, finally having got the opportunity to look Shay's murderer in the eyes…

**Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

**Hey guys, thank you all for the continuous support, you're awesome! **

**Lots of angst in this chapter, I know, hope you liked it. Could you feel the tension building up between Kelly and Casey? Matt's doing everything he can to help Severide, it must be really frustrating when Kelly pushes him away like that. And Casey's been there for the whole firehouse, sure he's allowed some time to grieve, too. **

**I thought that some Linseride would be a good addition to the memorial ceremony, hope I've been right. Some of you mentioned the friendship between Erin and Casey – I'm so happy you like it, I feel like they've got some things in common and could be friends. Plus both could help Kelly in different ways and they should do it together.**

**Last, but not least, the arsonist! Yea, he really went to the ceremony, what a b*s*a*d! The good news (for you) is that you're going to find out who he is in the next chapter. Any suggestion? I'm curious to see if anybody would guess his identity. **

**As always, I'd love to hear your opinion, no matter what it is, so please review! **** Thanks!**


	7. Chapter 7

_Warning:__ The story contains spoilers for season 3, 2 and 1_

_Disclaimer:__ I do not own any of the characters or the plot of Chicago Fire and Chicago PD. I do not own the lyrics of the songs used. I do not own the text taken directly from the show. This story is intended for fun only and I am not making any money with it!_

**Chapter 7**

_Kelly couldn't hear anything through his own sobs, his ears not registering the presence of another man there until he spoke, his voice loud and arrogant._

"_I was devastated when I heard." The man smirked, causing Severide to look at him in disbelief. When Kelly's mind processed what was going on, he jumped on his feet, finally having got the opportunity to look Shay's murderer in the eyes…_

"Why?, was the only word that came out Kelly's mouth. He couldn't force himself to say anything else, but it was enough…it was all he wanted to know.

"Why what?" Ex-lieutenant Spellman tossed another question arrogantly, turning his head around a little bit. In his anger, Severide didn't notice the slight movement of the arsonist that was enough to hide his face from the video camera installed above the back exit of the firehouse.

"Why are you doing it?!" Kelly barked, moving a step forward so that he could feel Spellman's breath. Without realizing it, Squad Lt. was falling into a deep trap set to finish him once and for all.

"And what exactly am I doing, lieutenant?" The look in the ex-firefighter's eyes was daring Kelly to punch him.

"Setting fires! Killing people I care about! Helping Hadley!" Kelly spat into Spellman's face, the anger building inside him ready to explode any second.

Before commenting on the accusations, Spellman took a tissue out of the pocket of his lieutenant's uniform and slowly cleaned his face, a smirk firmly placed on it. "Even if I'm doing all those things, how can you prove it?" When he didn't hear an answer in the next 30 seconds, the ex-firefighter's smile widened more and he locked eyes with the Squad Lt. "That's right, lieutenant, you can't! How much longer can you live with the guilt that it's all because of you and you cannot do anything to stop it?!"

"YOU'RE DEAD!" Kelly yelled way too loudly, his voice being heard by Boden, Casey, Lindsay, Megan and Gabby who had been discussing the ceremony not far away from where the two men were standing. Matt dropped the glass of water in his hands on the ground, his heart pounding in his chest and ran in the direction Kelly's voice had come from, the others following him.

"YOU LIKE FIRES? I'LL SET YOU ON FIRE AND WATCH YOU BURN!" Severide kept yelling, his mind not thinking straight. His fist connected with Spellman's face, the later falling on the ground instantly. Kelly kicked him, then again, and again, not stopping until he heard Spellman's ribs crack. Then he kneeled over the arsonist, squeezing his throat tightly with both hands.

"KELLY, NO!" Lindsay cried out, but she was too far away to stop her friend from wringing Spellman's neck. From where she was standing she could see the face of the man Kelly was trying to kill, but she could not recognize him.

Casey and Boden reached them first, Matt grabbing Kelly from behind to stop him, quickly realizing that Severide's grip on the ex-firefighter was too strong. Boden grabbed his lieutenant's hands, using all his strength to free Spellman. "Severide, let go!" Chief hissed, noticing with the corner of his eyes people from house 51 gathering around to see what was going on.

"You won't bring Shay back!" Casey said firmly, letting out a sigh of relief when Boden proved to be stronger and managed to push Kelly aside. Matt immediately got hold of him and tied his hands behind his back, struggling to hold him back, while Boden and Dawson were assessing Spellman's injuries.

"Let me finish him!" Kelly growled, trying to jerk his arm free, desperate to free himself.

"Casey, let's get him inside." Erin's suggestion was immediately approved by the blonde lieutenant. With her help, he led Kelly into the firehouse through the closest entrance, listening to Dawson's conversation with Chief.

"He might have concussion and broken ribs, Chief." Dawson said quietly, both she and Boden watching Truck Lt. struggle to drag Severide inside the firehouse.

When the door through which Matt, Erin and Severide had just disappeared slammed shut, Boden turned around, focusing his attention on Mills and Brett who had already joined the small crowd. "Take him to Lakeshore and keep me posted!"

Xxx

As soon as Casey let go of him, Kelly ran into the bathroom. He took a glimpse of himself in the mirror before splashing cold water on his face. The icy liquid wasn't enough to calm him down and wash the blood from Spellman's nose off his hands. _"Why?...Why?"_ The question kept haunting him while he removed his tie and the top of his uniform, dumping them on the floor and then walked under one of the showers. He turned the temperature of the water falling on his body to freezing cold and closed his eyes for a second before leaning against the wall and sliding all the way down until he reached the floor. Kelly spent the next five minutes in the exact same position, icy water drops hitting his head and shoulders over and over again, reminding him to keep his eyes open or else he could be one of the very few people ever to drown while taking a shower…maybe it wasn't such a bad idea after all…maybe it would end his misery…maybe that way everybody would be save…maybe –

"Kelly, I'm coming in!" Erin's loud voice made him snap out of the nightmare his mind had been in. The scene in front of her took the CPD detective by surprise, but she didn't lose her composure. Letting out a quiet sigh, she reached out to stop the running water before focusing her attention on the soaking wet and shivering body of Squad Lt. She put one hand on his right shoulder, turning his head toward her with the other, Kelly's dark blue lips and shallow breathing telling her that they had to warm him up. Lindsay said nothing…because she knew it wouldn't matter to him. Instead she looked around, searching for a towel, but he hadn't brought one. "I'll be right back." Erin told him firmly before heading back to the locker room where Casey was waiting for her to tell him what was going on. The whole place felt deserted, Boden having literally ordered his people to sit tight in the eating area and give Squad Lt. some space.

"I need a towel." The CPD detective declared, earning a questioning look. "He's been under the cold shower for a long time!" She added, taking gratefully the fresh towel Matt had just got from his locker.

"Damn it!" Truck Lt. cursed. "He's got some spare clothes in his quarters, I'll get them."

Neither Erin, nor Casey knew whether to be relieved or worried that Kelly didn't protest when they wrapped him with the towel and helped him change into his running sweatshirt and pants. Matt put a warm blanked over his fellow lieutenant's shacking frame and slowly guided him to his quarters. Walking inside the warm room, Squad Lt. locked eyes with Boden, who was sitting on top of the desk.

"I'm not sorry." Kelly murmured as if it was him against the world. Erin reached out to cover his shoulders with the blanket, but he pushed her hand away violently.

"Severide, do you even know that what you did might end your career?!" Chief responded, upset. "Hell, it can end my career! You're supposed to lead by example, not try killing people in front of everyone!"

Kelly's eyes widened, glaring at Boden's, his eyebrows pulled down together, lips tightly pressed to suppress a curse. He said nothing.

"What if he takes time off? Maybe they'll let it slip." Matt ventured a suggestion, his mind too preoccupied with worry to allow him to think of a better alternative.

Boden's lips tightened, eyes narrowing. "He's already used too much time off."

"I don't need your help." Kelly hissed, running his fingers through his wet hair.

"Kelly, look at yourself." Chief uttered, standing up. "I can't let you work. For your and everyone's sake, I'm suspending you, without pay, until you get your life straight. Meanwhile I'll do my best to convince people that's enough punishment for you and it won't happen again." It wasn't easy for Boden to do it. It was like betraying a good man who needed support more than ever. But it was his way to help, to preserve Severide's career for whenever the Squad Lt. was ready to return. Chief wasn't worried about the financial site of the suspension. He knew that Kelly had some savings aside, but he was also prepared to give a small sum to Casey for food and rent. It was his job after all – to take care of his men, always.

"Thanks." Severide offered a sarcastic smile. Maybe it was for the better. Maybe that way everyone else was going to be save.

"Kelly, when you're done in court on Monday, just forget about Hadley and Spellman and focus on yourself!" Boden added, but the look on the Lt.'s face made it clear it was not going to happen.

"You don't get it, right?" Kelly felt the boiling anger inside him rise again. He was done listening to nonsense. "Spellman's the one setting fires for Hadley!"

The seconds following Kelly's statement felt like years. No one knew what to say. Nobody at 51 had ever liked Lt. Spellman, but they had worked with him for months, they had put their lives in danger relying on his help, they had trusted him on calls…

"Who's he?" Erin broke the silence. It was then when Matt remembered that she had never met Spellman.

"He came with Clarke after McLeod closed their firehouse…he was a good firefighter, but was her snitch. We helped him transfer out of here." Casey explained, not going into much detail.

"Yea…at the exact same time Hadley was setting fires!"

"Okay, I know you've seen all the evidence AI and CPD have so far. Can you prove it?" Truck Lt. asked, but his innocent question was enough to set off the ticking bomb Kelly was. "I get it that he has a solid reason to hate us, but is there anything tying him to the fires?"

Severide frowned, pushing the blanket covering him off. "I know it's him! Where's he now?" He hissed, looking around as if Spellman was hiding somewhere in there.

Lindsay bit her lips, choosing carefully the words she was going to say next. "Kelly, let CPD handle it. I'll see what I can find about him today, but I warn you, as a friend, who doesn't want you doing something even more stupid, stay away! You go anywhere near Spellman, you'll make me lock you up for your own sake."

Severide clenched his fists tight, narrowing his eyes once again. "And what – give him time to burn more buildings? Kill more people!"

Matt made a step forward, crossing his arms, shooting a glare at his fellow lieutenant. "What do you expect us to do?"

"I don't know, Casey! Arrest him, put him in a cage, set him on fire, I don't care! Hadley's using him to get out of prison right in front of our eyes!"

Casey let out a frustrated snort, having hard time grasping all the information. "Your obsession's clouding your judgment. There's nothing to prove he's the arsonist!"

Severide didn't bother to hide his hurt face. He turned his head around, looking at Lindsay. "You think so, too?"

"There is no evidence - " She stopped in the middle of the sentence when Severide's fist connected with the edge of his desk and he stormed out of his quarters.

Casey hurried after him, but Boden stopped him before he had made it through the door. "Give him some time."

Xxx

The creaking of the front door and two sets of footsteps pulled Kelly out the nightmare his mind had been reliving for the last many hours. It was dark in the apartment even though it was a chilly, but sunny morning. The living room smelled like cheap alcohol, two empty bottles and some sort of prescription drugs laying on the table next to the couch Severide was sitting on, with knees pressed against his chest.

Taking a few seconds to process the scene in front of him, Matt dropped his bag on the floor, visibly scared. Gabby stood right beside him, her eyes widely open. But she didn't lose self-control and moved closer to the window, opening the blinds to let the sun in.

"Kelly, what have you done?!" Casey couldn't mask the worry in the voice. He stepped closer to his fellow lieutenant to get a better look at his face and eyes.

"I couldn't…" Kelly whispered absent minded, pressing his eyes shut because the light was hurting them.

"Hey, talk to me!" Truck Lt. demanded, suspicious that his friend had mixed the unidentified pills with the cheap vodka.

"I couldn't have a sip, Casey!" Severide uttered bitterly. "I stopped by the first shop on my way, got the worst Vodka ever and came here to - " He paused mid. sentence, finally having the courage to look his friend in the eyes. "I've got the pills from when I was addicted to painkillers…vodka and painkillers, what better way to end this, huh? Everybody wins…Then saw that."

Casey narrowed his eyes, reading the words on a piece of white paper on the floor. _"Prove it."_ Two simple words, written with letters cut out of newspapers, just like in the movies. "When did you get it?"

"It was in an envelope under the door…couldn't be bothered to read it until I opened the first vodka…I froze for a moment…just like that. Then poured out the vodka into the sink…If I take my life, who'll make him pay? That's what I thought! I'm taking Spellman and Hadley to hell with me!"

Casey bit his lips to stop himself from giving the Squad Lt. a lecture that was only going to make things worse. He had said it all many times before and it was clear words weren't going to help. The idea of calling Kara and asking her to come to his place and talk to Kelly crossed Matt's mind, but he knew that Severide would probably get angrier and lock himself into the spare bedroom. "C'mon, let's go to a place." Casey urged at the end, checking if the keys for his truck were still in the left pocket of his jeans.

"Matt…"

"No questions asked…you don't wanna talk, we don't talk."

"I'm no good..." Kelly protested, not moving from the couch.

"C'mon, it's a construction job. You want to let out some steam, I've got nails and a hammer."

Xxx

Forty – five minutes later Casey parked his truck in front of a small house that looked abandoned. What Kelly didn't like wasn't the old place, but the other cars parked on the street…cars he had seen many times before. Gabby got out, grabbing the two big bags she had taken, but the Truck Lt. didn't move, starting to change his mind about the whole construction job.

"What are they doing here?" Kelly growled, referring to Mouch, Otis, Cruz, Capp and Brett, whose cars he had recognized.

Truck Lt. waited until Dawson had closed the door of the truck before turning his whole attention to his friend. "51 got this place really cheap for Herrmann. It's in a bad shape but everyone's willing to help to fix it and decorate it. It's much smaller than their house, but it's a start."

"Man, I can't - "

"You don't have to talk to anybody. There are two single beds that need to be put together in one of the rooms, you take care of them, no one's gonna bother you."

Casey put a satisfied smile on his face when Kelly reluctantly agreed to help. He showed him the room and what to do and left him in there, hearing occasional cursing, or the hammer hitting objects way too hard, but it was a better way for the Squad Lt. to deal with his angst than punching people, drowning his sorrows in alcohol or worse…

It was just past lunchtime when Matt got two bacon sandwiches out of his lunchbox and headed toward to room to give Severide one. Through a small opening of the door he could see his friend sitting on the bed he had just put together, visibly tired, staring at the wall with blank expression.

"It's taking me much longer to figure out the double bed." Casey broke the silence, extending his arm to offer Kelly one of the sandwiches. Severide took it and dropped it on the bed, murmuring a thank you. As promised, Truck Lt. didn't talk further. Yes, he had been hoping that getting out of their apartment and doing something useful might help Kelly open up, but he had to keep his end of the deal.

Preparing to leave, Matt was surprised when this time Severide broke the silence. "Why are you still trying to help me, Casey? I'm dragging you and everyone else into the hole I'm in."

"We made a promise, to Andy…remember?"

_***Flashback***_

"_To us!" Andy Darden rose his glass for a toast with his two best friends. It was the night before Kelly Severide, Matthew Casey and Andy Darden got their first assignments after the fire academy, not knowing which firehouse's they were going to be assigned to, not knowing whether they'd stay together or not._

"_I need another one." Kelly looked at them with a dumb expression, his glass empty._

"_Don't move!" Andy ordered in a slurred voice, letting out a chuckle when Kelly froze in his seat, trying to be serious when they were too drunk for it. "Now listen carefully."_

"_You sound like an old FBI agent." Casey grinned and they laughed at his stupid joke for the next minute. _

"_Seriously guys, we gotta promise that wherever we go next, we'll always be best buds. We'll always have each other's backs even in the darkest moments of our lives. We'll always be there for each other just like the whiskey's here for us right now!"_

"_Cheers to that." Matt smiled, raising his glass._

_***End of flashback***_

The ringing of his phone brought Matt back to reality. Getting his mobile out of his pocket, he saw the id of the caller and his gut churned. Trying to look as calm as possible, he walked out the room before taking the call.

"Mrs. Turner." Truck Lt. answered in a firm tone.

"_Lieutenant Casey, I'm glad I've reached you." _Тhe state attorney huffed. _"I've been trying to get in touch with Lieutenant Severide since yesterday."_

"He's with me right now. What's going on?"

"_Yesterday I was sent a video from one of 51's security cameras…" _She started in a calmer voice. _"Of Lieutenant Severide nearly killing an ex-firefighter. Hadley's attorney sent it to be more precise. They are gonna use it in court tomorrow to prove that Kelly is mentally unstable."_

"And they have the video from where exactly?!" Matt growled, attracting the attention of Mouch who was painting the wall not far away from him.

"_I don't know. Meet me tomorrow morning at 8 o'clock sharp to discuss what we're gonna do. We need to be at court by 11."_

**Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

**Lol, here he is, Lt. Spellman, the arsonist helping Hadley. After all, he started at 51 at the time Hadley was setting fires and going after Severide. So he had the chance to get to know Hadley (indirectly) and how his mind works better…a bad, bad person! I hated him the minute he set foot at 51 in season 2. There was only one correct guess about his identity (well done!), so I hope you're surprised. What do you think? I really hope you're not disappointed, or that it wasn't too predictable of those of you who didn't venture a guess. If you're wondering why Spellman's targeting Kelly, well you'll find out soon, haha :D **

**Not much Linseride here, but Erin has an important task now – finding evidence that Kelly's being right. Did you like the small moments between them though?**

**This is one of the most angsty chapters I've ever written and I think the bromance (lots of it) fits well, what do you guys think? **

**As always, I'd love to hear your opinion, no matter what it is, so please review! **** Thanks!**


	8. Chapter 8

_Warning: The story contains spoilers for season 3, 2 and 1_

_Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or the plot of Chicago Fire and Chicago PD. I do not own the lyrics of the songs used. I do not own the text taken directly from the show. This story is intended for fun only and I am not making any money with it!_

**Chapter 8**

"Okay, what have we got so far?" Lindsay barked, rubbing her tired eyes. Voight had ordered his entire team to work overnight and dig out everything there was about ex-lieutenant Spellman and his possible connection to Hadley. Nobody had protested. Because, after all, CPD and CFD were one family. Kelly's enemies were theirs.

"That guy - " Antonio took a photo of Spellman and hung it on the board in their desk area. "has a cleaner criminal record than me!"

"Born on March third, 1974 in Arizona, his parents were high school teachers at the time, they are still alive, looking after their two granddaughters from Spellman's older sister who works there as an oncologist." Atwater added before finishing his third coffee for the past two hours.

Halstead grabbed a piece of paper that had just come out of the printer and stepped forward, double checking that he had read the information correctly. "Here's something interesting though. He moved to Chicago in 1992 after his family home burned to the ground…his fifteen years old brother died in the fire."

"Do we know anything about that fire?" Voight growled, standing at the door of his office, arms crossed in front of his chest.

"Yea…a seventeen years old kid from Spellman's mum's Biology class was the main suspect. They couldn't prove it in court and he got away with it. A couple of weeks later Spellman came to Chicago, lived with his aunt for a few months before getting a place at the Fire Academy. Graduated second in his class, worked hard for ten years before his Chief talked him into taking the lieutenant's exam…Seven months later he transferred to another house to be in charge of a Truck. His dream."

"I talked to his wife – Christine, on the phone." It was Erin's turn to share her findings. "They met at a sport center after a swimming session when he was at the Academy. Fourteen months later they got married. Then their twin girls were born. Three years later they had another child. Christine said they've lived happily until McLeod started closing firehouses. Spellman lost his Truck, filled in a spot at Fifty-one. McLeod needed a snitch and when Clarke refused, she promised to put Spellman in charge of another Truck in exchange for his help to shut down Fifty-one. The guys over there found out, "transferred" him out of their house, but apparently every firefighter in Chicago heard about it. Spellman couldn't fit in anywhere else and quickly became angrier, a loner, drinking too much. After a night out before shift, he made a mistake that cost the life a father of two and was discharged. His drinking behavior got worse and his wife took the kids, got a job in Detroit and moved there."

"So, basically, he hates everyone." Antonio stated the obvious, not taking his eyes off the photo of their suspect.

"Okay, but why work with Hadley? And how? Nobody's been to the prison to visit him. No phone calls, no interaction with people from the outside world." Ruzek asked the tough questions, the questions they couldn't answer.

"And why go after Kelly?" Erin added, looking helplessly around as if the answer was somewhere in their office. "C'mon guys, we need answers, now!" Her voice become louder, angrier.

With a concerned expression, Voight stepped closer to her and put his callous hand on her shoulder to provide some comfort. "Hey, take a break, go prepare for the trial. We'll keep working."

Xxx

The night before Hadley's trial Matt slept on the couch to be closer to his friend if needed. That night Kelly had e few hours of sleep for the first time in a lot of time, sleep he desperately needed if the dark circles under his eyes were any indication. The reason was neither his calm mind, nor his tiredness…it was because Casey had slipped him sleep drops in a glass of water before going to bed. Truck Lieutenant had been sure the drops would give Kelly five-six hours of deep sleep as they were the same drops Halley had used to give him during his nightmare with Voight.

Inside the guest bedroom, a man with tormented expression was lying on the bed, tossing and turning covered in his own sweat, a prisoner of his own mind. His eyes were tightly shut, his mouth not letting out a sound, but the nightmares of Hadley and Spellman taking Shay's life away and walking out the building free as birds was tearing him apart.

His alarm going off at 5.30am pulled Kelly out of his misery. He let out a moan and slowly opened his eyes, hitting the snooze button. In the next second, his entire nightmare came back to him, accompanied by a wave of fear…fear that Hadley was going to get away with everything. His gut churned and Kelly burst out of bed, storming into the bathroom and throwing up his dinner from the night before. Supporting his weight on the toilet seat, he took a couple of deep breaths, attempting to suppress a new wave of nausea.

Severide had no idea that Matt was watching him from behind until he felt Casey's hand rub comforting circles around his back…something Shay had used to do. "Nightmares?" Matt asked, not really expecting an answer. He grabbed a few tissues and handed them to Kelly, then helped him make it to the shower and left him alone, heading into the kitchen to make some coffee and breakfast, trying not to wake Dawson up. Her presence in court was being requested as well, along with everyone else from 51, but she could sleep for another couple of hours.

Almost half an hour later, Casey left three plates with omelets on the kitchen counter, his eyes following Kelly's every movement from his bedroom to the kitchen. It wasn't until Severide stood in front of him, wearing a black suit, that Matt noticed how much weight his friend had lost.

"I know." Kelly grunted, referring to his loose suit and the scene Casey had witnessed thirty minutes earlier. "Can't keep anything down." He added, collapsing on the chair closest to him under Casey's scrutinizing look.

"Since when?"

"I don't know." Kelly replied too quickly, trying to end the small chat, but Matt wasn't prepared to let it go.

"C'mon!" Casey's eyebrows furrowed, his lips pressed together, overwhelmed by helplessness. "I wanna help you, Kelly, I really do, but can't, unless you allow me to." He added, pushing his remaining breakfast away and heading to the living room where he had left his suit the night before to change.

Squad's Lieutenant spent the next five minutes with elbows firmly placed on the counter, his head buried into his hands, trying to switch off his exhausted mind for a few minutes, but the fear that had settled inside him was constantly reminding him that his life had turned into a hell and there was no way out.

"Since the fire at Herrmann's." Kelly's voice came out as a whisper, but Matt, who had just returned fully dressed up to take his coffee, heard him. Severide lifted his head and fixed his watery eyes on Trucks Lieutenant. "I swear, Casey, there are moments when I'm that close to ending it all…can't work, can't eat or sleep, now Hadley's gonna get out of where he belongs because of me!"

"What happened with "Kelly Severide never gives up" you used to say at the Academy?" Truck Lt. smiled at the memory of his cocky friend, but his smile quickly disappeared. "You need to pull up a fight."

"I've nothing left to fight for, Casey!"

"Justice! You give up, they win."

"Yea, I've been fighting for that for a long time now and see where we're going today." Kelly let out a snort, rubbing his eyes.

"No." Casey stated in a firm voice. "Not revenge, justice…what you've been looking for is revenge and they know it, that's why you've fallen into their traps."

Kelly opened his mouth to say that all he wanted was for Spellman and Hadley to pay, no matter how, but Matt stopped him. "You need another reason? Fight for what you've got with Erin, fight for your career. What you've ever wanted is to be in Squad and have a family, you can have both…Isn't it worth it?"

The corners of Severide's lips curled into a barely visible smile that quickly vanished. Family…he had stopped believing that he'd ever have one…it sounded like a dream that would never come true. But he could not deny he had feelings for Erin…feelings he had been suppressing since the nightmare had begun.

Kelly granted Matt with a silent nod, forcing himself to take a bite of the omelet laying in front of him before speaking again. "I…don't know how to do it, man…I feel…lost."

Casey made a few steps forward and placed one hand on his friend's shoulder. Kelly put the fork down and looked at Matt in wonder. "We'll figure it out, tonight, after we send Hadley back to where he belongs. Together, Kelly!"

Xxx

When the judge entered the courtroom and everybody stood up to show respect, Kelly's eyes locked with Hadley's. It wasn't until Erin placed her hand on his knee that he remembered to sit down. His eyes moved around in their orbits, making a note of who was there – the whole firehouse, Clarke, Erin, Kara, Spellman with bandages around his ribs and nose…so many people…for a moment he felt as if the tie he was wearing was too tight, that he could not breath, but when Hadley's attorney spoke, the fear was replaced by anger and the sudden desire to wring the necks of both ex-firefighters in the room and end it once and for all.

"Kelly." Lindsay whispered in his ear, having felt the sudden change in her friend's posture. Her hand grabbed his wrist in a manner nobody except for Casey who, was on Kelly's other site, could see. Squad's Lieutenant took a deep breath and let his body relax, focusing his attention on the prosecutor's speech.

The first seventy-five minutes went smoothly, the state attorney presenting all the evidence against Hadley, calling in and questioning every member of Truck, Squad, Dawson, Chief, Clarke, the AI detectives. As expected, Kelly's statement was one of the most important pieces of evidence. What the prosecutor had was solid…or at least seemed to be.

There was a short fifteen minute break before they returned to the courtroom, Severide doing his best to avoid his colleagues and the people who cared about him.

"Your honor, nobody but Lieutenant Kelly Severide had seen my client setting fires, there is no forensic evidence that my client has been at the burned down buildings, nothing incriminating has been found at his home. It is true that similar fires have been set after my client had been sentenced, taking the lives of good people. It is also clear that these fires have targeting people from firehouse Fifty-one and Lieutenant Kelly Severide in particular, but they've got a lot of enemies capable of doing it. Yet my client hasn't spoken to anybody and hasn't had any visitors in jail, proving that there is no way my client has an accessory. The only solid proof that my client is an arsonist comes from the statements of a man who can be considered mentally unstable, danger to others and has history in alcohol and substance abuse. Now I am going to prove to you that the main witness is not reliable." Hadley's lawyer declared, staring at Kelly. He was satisfied when Severide jumped furiously on his sit, both Matt and Erin whispering calming words into his ears, but this time his behavior got the attention of most of the people in the room. With the corner of his eyes he could see Hadley and Spellman exchange looks of triumph.

"Your honor, the first witness I want to question is Lieutenant Matthew Casey, a good friend and current housemate of Kelly Severide." The lawyer added, his wish getting quickly approved by the judge.

Casey cursed under his breath, grateful when Boden, who was sitting behind him, granted him with a pat on the shoulder for support. Matt rose on his feet and walked to the witness stand, the clerk reminding him that he had sworn to tell the truth.

"Lieutenant Casey, you've been friends with Lieutenant Severide for how long exactly?" Hadley's attorney questioned.

"Fourteen years."

"That's right. You two were close to Andy Darden before his death on the line of duty. So you know Kelly Severide well?"

"Yes, I do." Matt replied harshly, having no idea what the purpose of the questions was.

"Did Kelly Severide's behavior change in any way after his childhood friend died?"

"I object!" The state attorney growled, raising on her feet. "The questions have nothing to do with Kevin Hadley!"

"Your honor, I've got reasons to believe that the mental state of the main witness has been progressively declining since the death of Andy Darden and paramedic Leslie Shay later on, making him unreliable."

"Please, answer the question." The judge announced his decision, turning to look at Matt.

"Andy's death affected everyone at firehouse Fifty-one, including Kelly."

"And is it true that he got addicted to painkillers that made his behavior even more unpredictable?" Hadley's lawyer didn't hide his joy when the question took Matt by surprise.

Truck Lt. didn't answer immediately, trying to think of a way to mask the truth…unfortunately there was no such way. "It's true, but he got help and quit."

"How can you be sure? Has he taken a drug test to prove it, even though we know he's faked one before?" The attorney was referring to the one time Shay had given Kelly her urine for a drug test, something neither the state attorney, nor Erin were aware of.

Fighting the urge to punch the man questioning him, Casey exchanged a brief look with Erin. "No, I've never seen the results of a test." He muttered, a part of him hoping that Kelly wouldn't hear the words. The attorney knew exactly what questions to ask to make it look bad. "I trust Kelly." Matt added in a desperate attempt to fix the situation.

"But at the time your friendship was strained if I'm not mistaken. Is it possible that he hid the truth?"

"Yes, I guess"

"Actually, is it often, after Darden's and Shay's deaths that Lieutenant Severide lies to you?"

"It's happened."

"On more than one occasion?"

"Yes."

"Okay. One last question – when Kevin Hadley caught fire, you helped lieutenant Severide put it off and take Hadley outside to an ambulance. Lieutenant Severide claims that my client had set the building on fire, using a bottle of gasoline, and then himself. My client, on the other hand, says that he'd been in the neighborhood when he had seen the flames and as a good firefighter had decided to help. Did you see Kevin Hadley with a bottle of gasoline, setting fire?"

"No." Casey barked, knowing that he had just nailed the first pin into Kelly's coffin.

"So it's the word of a man potentially on drugs against my client's. That's everything, thank you Lieutenant Casey."

Matt wasn't surprised that when he got back to his seat Kelly didn't even bother looking at him. Their whole defense strategy had been blown to pieces. As Casey sat down, Hadley's attorney called out Erin. Taking a seat behind the witness stand, she swore to tell the truth only, dreading the questions that were about to be asked.

"Detective Lindsay, when did you meet Kelly Severide for the first time?" The first question was a simple one, or at least it seemed so at first.

"Just over a year ago."

"Under what circumstances?"

"Saving a life, he got involved with a bad guy who later kidnapped his sister. I worked on the case."

"That's right – Vince Keeler. Your records say that he disappeared without a trace. Actually, Lieutenant Severide was your main suspect for Keeler's sudden disappearance, right?"

"Yes, but there was no evidence and the case went cold."

"Did you have feelings for Kelly Severide at the time or your relationship started later? Because we all know how Voight's team loses evidence from time to time." The lawyer smirked barely noticeable.

"I object! That case was months after Kevin Hadley was sentenced!" The state attorney barked icily, having realized that she had underestimated Hadley's attorney. He was a guy in his forties, a different one from the man awaiting his retirement she had dealt with during the first trial.

"You don't have to answer." The judge nodded in agreement, but the damage was already done – all her answers were going to be seen in relation to her feelings for Kelly.

"You have seen Lieutenant Severide's file. Is it true that almost two years ago he was charged for sexual harassment?"

"Yes, and he was proven innocent, the woman accusing him was found to have been lying"

"Yes. But from those cases and your experience as a detective, doesn't Lieutenant Severide have a lot of enemies for a firefighter?"

"He does."

"And technically any of them could be the arsonist targeting him, right? Actually, it is even possible that the arsonist is somebody his father, arson investigator Benny Severide, has sent to jail, correct?"

Erin blinked before answering, frightened what consequences her reply would have. "Yes, it is possible."

"IT'S HIM!" Erin's heart almost came to a stop when Kelly jumped on his feet and pointed Spellman, Matt struggling to hold him back. "HELPING THAT SON OF A BITCH FOR GOD KNOWS WHAT REASON!" He didn't stop, moving his finger in the direction of Hadley, whose smile widened from ear to ear.

"Lieutenant Severide, I warn you - " The judge said in a firm voice, but he didn't have a chance to finish his sentence.

"WHY DON'T YOU PLAY THAT VIDEO YOU'VE GOT? WHERE HE ADMITS HE'S A KILLER!" Kelly kept yelling, looking at Hadley's attorney first and then at Spellman, daring them to use the video of him nearly killing Spellman from the day before. As Erin was still by the witness stand, Boden was helping Casey hold Severide back, but Kelly was furiously trying to free himself.

"GET HIM OUT OF MY COURTROOM!" This time the judge yelled, making a sign to two of the guards to escort Squad Lt. out. "One hour brake!"

_Enemy, familiar friend_

_My beginning and my end._

_Knowing truth, whispering lies_

_And it hurts again._

_What I fear and what I've tried,_

_Words I say and what I hide._

_All the pain, I want it to end_

_It's breaking me._

_It's breaking me._

_I'm falling apart._

_I'm falling apart._

_(Red – "Fight inside")_

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**Thank you all for your support, I was so incredibly happy to see that you like the previous chapter and find it interesting that Spellman is the arsonist helping Hadley.**

**I bet you already hate Hadley's lawyer. He knows where to push and what to ask to get the answers he wants. I bet Hadley's told him all the details about Kelly's drug addiction, nasty piece of *h*t, haha. Would Kelly's breakdown play in Hadley's favor? Or maybe the talk with Casey would give our boy the strength he needs to fight this?**

**I had to throw in some of Spellman's background, sorry if you found it boring. Also I don't think there's much about Spellman's history and family on the show, sorry if by any chance my version contradicts what's on the show.**

**Hmmm, Matt knows how Kelly feels about Erin – what a surprise! But I think love is a good reason to live, what do you guys think?**

**I'd love to hear your opinion, no matter what it is, so please review! Thanks!**


	9. Chapter 9

_Warning:__ The story contains spoilers for season 3, 2 and 1_

_Disclaimer:__ I do not own any of the characters or the plot of Chicago Fire and Chicago PD. I do not own the lyrics of the songs used. I do not own the text taken directly from the show. This story is intended for fun only and I am not making any money with it!_

**Chapter 9**

"_GET HIM OUT OF MY COURTROOM!" This time the judge yelled, making a sign to two of the guards to escort Squad Lt. out. "One hour brake!"_

The two guards hurried to get to Kelly, the younger of them pushing Squad Lieutenant in the direction of the door. Severide's eyes met Spellman's, and even though no words were said out loud, Kelly read his lips – "prove it".

"I WILL!" Kelly yelled, jerking his arm free.

"Mr. Severide - " The younger guard barked, reaching out to grab Kelly's wrist.

"Don't touch me!" Kelly hissed through greeted teeth, elbowing the guard roughly in his attempt to avoid being touched by the man.

Casey, alongside Lindsay and about 80 more people, had to watch helplessly as the older guard twisted and tied Kelly's hand behind his back, while the other one handcuffed him…

Xxx

Matt was one of the first people to make it to the hallway after the one hour brake was announced for a second time. He looked around, desperate to locate Kelly, but he was nowhere to be seen.

"That shrink…I think she's not helped him much." Casey turned in the direction of Spellman's unpleasant voice, his fist tightening so much that his knuckles turned red.

"Hey!" Boden growled from behind his lieutenant, stopping him from finishing what Kelly had started. "Get out of my sight!" Chief turned to look at Spellman, thankful that another couple of guards had walked Hadley back to a cell through a different exit.

"You're all insane." Spellman muttered before disappearing somewhere in the crowd.

A few seconds later Erin finally managed to shove past all the people and joined them, her face pale, as if belonging to a ghost.

"Where's Kelly?" Matt looked at her, panic evident in his voice.

"Let's go." She muttered, leading the Truck lieutenant to a room at the end of the corridor, Boden staying there with Dona who had just joined them with their son. The CPD detective flashed her badge and the officer standing by the door let them in reluctantly, not leaving his position.

Kelly was standing in the corner of the room, facing the wall, leaning his head on it, his body trembling because of the adrenalin rush.

"Take the handcuffs off!" Lindsay barked, showing her badge to the officer next to Kelly. "Now!" She added, stepping toward her friend and waiting impatiently for the officer to unlock and remove the cuffs.

"Kelly, look at me." She demanded firmly, Matt listening to what she was going to say, too frustrated to be able to offer his friend any comforting words.

When Severide didn't show any sign he had heard her, Erin rested her hands on his hip. For her surprise, he didn't protest and let her guide him to the closest chair.

"If you don't trust me, you should have just said it!" Severide uttered, his harsh comment targeting both Casey and Erin.

Matt opened his mouth to argue, but the state attorney walked in, the expression on her face – as if somebody had just died. "Spent the last fifteen minutes defending my main witness' behavior!"

"How bad?" Erin shot her a glance.

"You threatened to kill Hadley!" The attorney ignored Lindsay's question and focused her attention on the Squad Lieutenant.

"He walks out of that courtroom free, I'm gonna do it" He growled, his body taking a more aggressive position, as if preparing for a fight. Casey placed a hand on his right shoulder, gently pushing him down.

"You're not going back to the courtroom, Kelly!" The state attorney announced. "For safety reasons, your testimony's going to be taken tomorrow in the absence of Kevin Hadley and the other witnesses. And to get a better feeling of where you'll be going if you touch Hadley, you're spending the night in the arrest!"

"You must be joking!" Casey let out a frustrated sigh.

"The judge was going to give him a week…"

Xxx

It was around 9pm and Kelly was laying on an uncomfortable bed in a cell in pitch darkness, eyes wide open. He had tried going to sleep, something he really needed, but all he could think of was the trial…he knew what the reality was, knew that his emotional breakdown in court was like a "get out of jail" card for two monsters…the same monsters who had killed Shay, the same monsters who had turned his life into a hell.

He wasn't sure if he was dreaming, or it was real, when he heard a familiar voice arguing with one of the CPD officers. When two people stopped in front of the cell he was in, he didn't bother turning his head around to see what was going on.

Erin fixed her eyes on the lifeless figure laying on his left side with knees pressed against his chest. "Thanks." She granted the officer with a smile when he unlocked the door so that she could walk in. Lindsay eyes darted around the unpleasant room, falling on the untouched dinner, before focusing on Kelly.

"What are you doing here?" Severide asked icily, rolling on his back.

"Thought you might need a roommate." When her attempt to break the tension failed, Lindsay's face acquired a serious expression once again. "Voight pulled some strings so I can stay with you tonight…off the books. Promised Matt I'll take care of you."

Kelly didn't admit it, but he felt relieved that he wouldn't have to spend the night alone with his thoughts "How did it go?"

"Kara testified after me, then Boden, Herrmann and the rest of the guys." Erin rushed her answer, hoping that Kelly would decide to save himself the additional pain and drop the subject.

"Did they confirm I'm a drug-addicted freak accusing innocent souls of being killers?"

For Erin, it felt like it wasn't Kelly speaking…it was like he was a total stranger, a lifeless creature living in the body of a good man. "Please, don't do this to yourself, Kelly." She uttered, not sure whether to touch his trembling hand. "I do believe Hadley and the scumbag helping him belong in jail, and we'll find a way to stop them. The whole team's working on the case…"

"Listen - "

"No, you listen!" The CPD detective raised her voice in frustration. "I can't watch you destroy yourself anymore! You wanna get revenge – prove that judge you cannot be trusted, it won't be hard after today! Then when Hadley gets out, just kill him on the street outside…I won't be there to stop you…nobody would…but I'm telling you it won't help you feel better." Erin turned around to hide her watery eyes. She hadn't cried in a long time, years maybe…she was strong after all. And yet, the thought of giving up on the man she loved with her whole heart was enough to break her down. "I'm gonna leave you - "

"I need you." Kelly mumbled, his voice sounding scared…

_And this is how it feels when I ignore the words you spoke to me _

_And this is where I lose myself when I keep running away from you _

_And this is who I am when, when I don't know myself anymore _

_And this is what I choose when it's all left up to me _

_(Red – "Breath into me")_

Erin froze on her feet for a moment, but then quickly wiped away the burning tears and stepped closer to the bed, sitting on the edge so that she could have eye contact with him. "You have me. But I need you to keep the promise you've made to Matt and let us help you…just trust us, okay?"

"Okay." Kelly wanted to tell her how he was feeling about her, but instead of words, a silent cry escaped his lips. How could he be with her? He was a dead man walking…what could he give her? Was he going to put her in danger? He rolled on his left side, burying his head under the thin duvet, feeling Erin's every movement as she laid next to him, wrapping him into a gentle hug…

That night they didn't sleep…they didn't talk…they didn't move even…that night Kelly allowed himself to cry, like a little baby…for Shay, for Andy, for Herrmann, for Luke who was still in a coma, for his own life that he had lost…and Erin – she was there, holding him into a protective hug, listening to his sobs and pain, the pain of a man who had to find his way back to life.

Xxx

Next morning Casey left home early, dressed up in the same suit he had worn the day before, Dawson sitting on the passenger sit of his truck in silence. He hadn't anticipated how long the trial would be…truthfully, he had thought it would be over in a couple of hours. Instead, he had to go to the courtroom for a second day in a row and listen to Spellman's and Hadley's lies.

Ten minutes before the start of the trial, Casey found Erin just as she hit one of the vending machines close to the courtroom, not getting the chocolate bar she had paid for.

"Rough night?" Matt didn't mean to scare her, but Lindsay turned around quickly, ready to shoot him. "Sorry." He murmured, handing her some spare change for the machine that finally let her have her breakfast.

"We talked." Erin's eyebrows furrowed, the corners of her mouth twisting into a sad smile, but she didn't say anything else about her talk with Kelly, although Casey had a pretty good idea what their conversation had been about. "Kelly's staying in the arrest until he testifies in the afternoon…we'll hear the jury's decision by the end of today." She explained, walking into the courtroom, Casey following her to the same seats they had occupied the day before. He wanted to ask whether Voight's team had made any progress, even though he suspected that the answer was going to be negative, but then two officers walked Hadley in. Kevin looked in their direction, satisfied to see that Kelly wasn't there…it meant that his plan had been successful.

Five minutes after the start of the trial, Spellman stood by the witness stand and swore to tell the truth only, something he wasn't going to do.

"Mr. Spellman, would you tell us what's happened to you?" The lawyer jumped straight to the important questions, impatient to win the case.

"Yes…I worked at firehouse 51 for a few months, but I was asked to transfer out as I couldn't really fit in there. My working style was very different from theirs…I know everybody personally and I was absolutely devastated when I read about Leslie Shay's death in the paper. I went to her memorial service last week, to pay my respects, when suddenly Lieutenant Severide accused me of being an arsonist. I wanted to give him my sincerest condolences after the service. Instead, I was nearly beaten to death."

"Your honor, the tape from the security camera from the back exit of firehouse 51 proves it." Hadley's representative announced, preparing to play the tape.

"Son of a bitch!" Mouch murmured so that only Boden and Herrmann heard him, focusing his attention on the video.

Unsurprisingly, the video confirmed Spellman's words, a professional mouth reader confirming that Spellman had only given his condolences to Kelly, without insulting him in any way.

When the video was over, Hadley's lawyer granted his client with a nod, before turning his attention to the judge. "Your honor, I believe that what you've just seen confirms that Lieutenant Severide is not only mentally unstable, but he is a danger to others."

The next one to testify was Kevin Hadley himself. He swore that he had never been in contact with Spellman, implying that he was an innocent victim, rotting in jail while the real arsonist was out there…

Xxx

"Antonio, it's not looking good." Erin murmured over the phone, Casey and the guys from Truck 81 standing close to her, listening to her every word, anxious to know whether Voight's team had found new evidence. "Tell me you've got something!"

"_We turned Spellman's house upside down…nothing! He's not renting any other property or storage unit. Atwater's checked his credit card balance – he spends small amounts of money on food, alcohol, sends what's left of his salary to his kids. Basically he hasn't bought anything that might be used to start fires…Halstead's been to the fast food place he works at now, nothing suggests that he might be an arsonist. His boss says that he's usually quiet but always punctual and does the job well._

"What about Hadley?"

"_Nothing!...He's got no friends, no living relatives, no money - "_

"Damn it!" Lindsay cursed, her brain refusing to come up with any more ideas. Before she had the chance to ask Antonio more questions, her attention was caught by the two CPD officers escorting Kelly to the now almost empty courtroom. "Antonio, get us something!" She barked, pressing the "end call" button on her phone.

Looking down, too embarrassed to face all the people watching him, Kelly walked past his brothers and into the courtroom, the door closing behind him. Besides the judge, the clerks and the jury, he recognized the state attorney sitting on the front row and Hadley's lawyer, but the man in his fifties next to him, he had never seen before.

"Lieutenant Severide, I took the time to read everything about you last night and I strongly believe that you're a good man, going through something terrible." The judge said, while Kelly took his place behind the witness stand, thinking of the promise he had given to Erin and Matt. "I hope that you've had enough time to reconsider your attitude, and to make sure you don't end up in jail for something stupid you might do, I want you to attend one-to-one sessions with Doctor Robert Shaw once a week." The man next to the lawyer smiled warmly, earning an icy look from Kelly. "He's one of the best psychiatrists I know and has helped to a lot of people. He's going to report back to me, and if you refuse to go or skip a meeting, I'll send you to jail for threatening Kevin Hadley in my courtroom and assaulting , resulting in a significant bodily harm. You two can discuss a suitable day and time after we're done here."

Kelly bit his lips to stop himself from telling the judge that he wasn't meeting any shrinks. When Severide didn't protest, Hadley's lawyer stood up, taking a final look at the list of questions he had prepared…

Xxx

An hour later Casey found his friend in the men's toilet, sitting on the dirty floor, leaning on the wall closest to the sinks, tiny drops of blood dripping from the knuckles of his right hand.

"It was either the wall, or that lawyer." Kelly growled, looking up, his eyes meeting Casey's.

"I'd have punched the wall, too." Matt said truthfully, sitting next to his friend. "But if they set him on fire as a thank you, I won't rush to save him."

"Hope they do!" Severide retorted, leaning the back of his head on the wall and closing his eyes, letting his frame relax a bit. "You know what he asked me?"

Matt found it unnecessarily to reply and remained silent, expecting his friend to continue.

"Lieutenant Severide, you're claiming that Kevin Hadley set multiple fires in the autumn of 2013, targeting you and your colleagues." Squad Lieutenant explained as if talking to himself, mimicking Hadley's attorney's voice. "Was there anything else going on in your life at the same time that was upsetting you? – Yes, I found out that the woman carrying my supposed child had slept with another man and the kid was not mine, not to mention the arsonist trying to kill me!" Kelly heard Casey mutter a curse, but didn't stop, having the sudden desire to let it off his chest. "So you were upset? Angry? - Yes, I was; And you needed to blame somebody for your misery? – No, I did not!; Is it true that you and some of your colleagues are victims of an arsonist right now, the fires being identical to the ones before, as confirmed by Arson Investigations and CPD? Yes, it's true; And one of them resulted in the death of Leslie Shay, your best friend?...So how is it possible for my client to have set those fires, when he's in jail? – Why don't you ask your witness, Spellman, who's helping your client for God knows what reasons!; Tell me, Lieutenant Severide, have you ever seen my client start a fire? – No.; So you didn't see him do anything wrong before he nearly burned to death? – He was holding a bottle of gasoline, ready to blow us up!; My client claims that he'd picked up the bottle to take it outside. Instead of helping him, you accused him of being an arsonist and jumped on him, resulting in him dropping the bottle and setting himself on fire - "

"Kelly!" Casey interjected, ending his friend's monologue.

"So now I'm the bad guy?"

"No, you're not." Matt reassured him, but the hurt expression on Kelly's face didn't go away. "Everybody believes you."

Kelly shook his head, the corners of his mouth turning upwards to form a grimace. "After what was said in that courtroom, I'm not sure I believe myself anymore…maybe I really am insane and it's all in my head…"

Before Casey could reply, Herrmann walked in, informing them that the jury was ready to announce its decision.

"Hey, no stupid moves this time, okay?" Matt warned him firmly after Herrmann left, helping Kelly get up the floor.

"I've got it under control." Severide muttered in response, cleaning the dried blood on his hand before following Casey down the corridor into the courtroom.

It wasn't long before the jury walked in, the facial expressions of the people deciding Hadley's faith revealing the outcome of the trial before any words were spoken…

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**I've said it before, I'll say it again – you guys are awesome! Thank you so much for reading, for the reviews and the support!**

**Another very angsty and tense chapter, but more Linseride this time. I really enjoyed writing the scenes between Kelly and Erin, hope you liked it, I'd love to hear your thoughts. **

**Kelly opening up to Matt is a good start, right? I know, the monologue made him sound crazy…It seems that he's going to keep his promise and let them help him…Oh, wait, he's told nobody that he must talk to a shrink now. Is he going to do what the judge ordered him, or he's going to skip the meetings and get into more trouble?**

**And yeah, the most important thing – the outcome of the trial. What do you thing is going to happen? **

**I'd love to hear your opinion, no matter what it is, so please review! **** Thanks!**


	10. Chapter 10

_Warning:__ The story contains spoilers for season 3, 2 and 1_

_Disclaimer:__ I do not own any of the characters or the plot of Chicago Fire and Chicago PD. I do not own the lyrics of the songs used. I do not own the text taken directly from the show. This story is intended for fun only and I am not making any money with it!_

**Chapter 10**

_It wasn't long before the jury walked in, the facial expressions of the people deciding Hadley's faith revealing the outcome of the trial before any words were spoken…_

Kelly, who was sitting between Casey and Lindsay, searched for her hand without looking away from the jury, wrapping his fingers around hers, desperate to find some comfort.

"Due to the lack of sufficient and reliable evidence, the jury finds Kevin Hadley...innocent!"

"Whaaat?!" Herrmann exclaimed from the seat behind Kelly's. "I object!" He jumped to his feet, but Boden grabbed hold of his sleeve and pushed him down onto his seat, Christopher clenching his fists tight.

"Unbelievable…" Mouch exchanged a look with Cruz, Otis cursing in Russian at the same time.

A lot of angry remarks were heard, many people voiced their disappointment…many people but one.

"_No…no…no."_ Kelly's mind screamed. His breathing became slowed, to a point that Erin moved her fingers to the inside of his wrist to make sure his pulse was normal.

"Silence, please." The judge barked, finally getting the people in his courtroom to remain silent and give the clerk the chance to continue.

"Kevin Hadley is going to be financially compensated by the state for his time in prison, his record is going to be cleaned." The clerk finished, but many eyes remained focused on him, as if expecting him to announce that what he had said was a joke, and Hadley would never see the outside of a prison again.

A minute later the trial was over, over were the dreams and hopes for justice of the people from firehouse Fifty-one.

"You'll pay for Luke!" Herrmann hissed when his eyes met Spellman's, the later preparing to leave the room. "I'll - "

"Herrmann!" Cruz interjected before his friend could say something he was going to regret later.

Kelly barely had the patience to wait for Casey to stand up and make room for him. Letting go of Erin's hand, Squad's Lieutenant got up and shoved past Matt in silence. "I'm sorry." He muttered to Herrmann, disappearing through the double doors of the courtroom.

Severide made it to the vending machines, feeling sick, desperate for a bottle of water. Grabbing the edge of the machine with his left hand, he used his other one to insert some coins and pressed the button combination that was going to give him the desired product.

"Lieutenant, you okay? You need any help?" Spellman's unpleasant voice sounded behind him, Kelly's fingers grabbing the edges of the vending machine even more tightly. Squad's Lieutenant did not turn around, determined to not give the other man the satisfaction of torturing him.

"Never better." Kelly hissed through greeted teeth, taking the water bottle out of the machines. He slowly opened it and drank half of its content, fighting his inner demons.

"If you - "

"Hey!" Casey shouted from a few steps behind Spellman, Erin, Herrmann and Boden walking next to him. "Get out of my sight, or - "

"Or what?" Spellman turned to face the Truck's Lieutenant, his eyebrows furrowed, his body taking a fighting stance.

"GO!" Boden hissed, having sensed that Casey patients was wearing extremely thin.

With a small smile dancing on his face, Spellman followed Chief's order and disapeared.

"Son of a bitch!" Kelly uttered, hitting the vending machine with the palm of his left hand. Feeling as if his legs were going to betray him soon, he sat on the end seat of the row of chairs next to the machine and finished the water.

Herrmann made a few steps forward and sat next to the Squad's Lieutenant, leaning against the back of the chair. "I don't blame you…"

By the expression on Kelly's face, Erin could tell that he wasn't going to say anything, so she spoke instead. "I promise you we won't stop until we put Hadley and Spellman in jail."

"You better!" Christopher murmured. "I gotta go back to the hospital."

"Casey, I have to meet Voight, would you - "

"I'll take him home." Matt promised before Lindsay could finish her sentence.

A second later Kelly dropped the empty plastic bottle on the floor and rose to his unsteady feet, about to lose his balance, but Casey caught him by the arm, helping him stand. "I…I gotta do something first." He looked at Matt with pleading eyes, having realized that he wouldn't make it far alone.

"Okay."

Xxx

When Casey parked his truck in the cemetery's parking lot and looked at Kelly's pale face, he regretted taking his friend there. He could understand why it was important to Severide to visit the place, but it felt as if Squad's leader did not have enough strength left to do it.

"We can come another time, if - "

"No." Kelly growled, opening the door, holding a bouquet of dark red roses in his other hand. Matt quickly followed him out of the car, holding a bouquet himself, and they slowly walked to Shay's grave without exchanging any more unnecessarily words.

When his eyes fell on the name carved into the beautiful marble stone, Kelly froze, finding it hard to breathe, the terrible feeling that he had failed Shay not leaving him. But when Casey touched the cold stone and placed the flowers on top of the grave, shading a single tear filled with so much pain, Kelly regained some control over his emotions. He stepped forward and knelt down, not bothered by the muddy ground. Casey moved aside to give his friend some privacy, hiding his watery eyes.

With his hand trembling, Kelly placed the roses next to Matt's, his tears leaving wet marks on the stone. "Hey, Shay…I'm sorry I couldn't keep my promise…Hadley…he won. He's probably out of jail already…walking around free, and you're…here." He paused, touching the letters one by one, for a second forgetting that Casey was watching him. "I've let you down, again…I thought I'd have the strength to fight him, but I don't…they win." Severide's eyes focused on the flowers, the dark red color taking his mind back to the building where all had happened, to the lifeless figure of his best friend, to the pool of blood under her blonde hair. "I'm sorry." Severide uttered before pushing himself up and walking away without looking back.

"Kelly!" Matt called out loud enough for Squad's Lieutenant to hear, but he just kept walking. Casey hurried after him, helping him get into his truck after they made if back to the parking lot. Getting into the driver's seat, Truck's Lieutenant stopped himself from asking what had just happened, and drove away, heading to his place.

Walking into Casey's apartment, Kelly murmured "hi" to Gabby and crashed on the couch, not bothering to change his suit for something more comfortable. Matt gave his fiancé a kiss and watched in concern as his friend picked up the remote for the TV and began switching from one channel to another until he found a rerun of a basketball tournament. Kelly threw the remote back on the table, pretending to be watching the game.

"So what's the plan now?" Matt sat next to his friend, keeping his voice firm and steady.

Kelly shot him a glance, a grimace appearing on his face. "Watch the game."

"And when it's over?"

"I don't know, Casey, watch football, or tennis, or something else!"

A short, deep sigh escaped Casey's mouth. He turned his attention to the game and saw the final few minutes with Kelly, who seemingly did not care about it. And when it was finally over, and a commercial about washing powders appeared on the screen, Truck's Lieutenant waited patiently for his friend's next move, having the feeling that Kelly was close to reaching his breaking point for the day.

Severide picked up the remote and surfed through the channels, but he found nothing on that could take his mind off all the heavy thoughts. "Ahhh, damn it!" He cursed, smashing the remote against the table, small pieces of plastic and a pair of batteries flying around the room. The noise made Gabby jump, but she did no leave her spot in the kitchen, having taken her anger out on a couple of plates an hour earlier.

When the adrenalin rush was over, Kelly remained seated on the couch, leaning his back on a throw pillow, concentrating on his breathing. "I've got no plan, Casey."

"I told you we'll figure it out together, right?"

"Yeah…you know what, I'm tired of playing Hadley's games anymore…I don't care if he's free or in jail, I don't care if he wants to finish me, I…I just don't want to care!" Kelly was trying to believe his own words, but every fibre of his body was hungry for revenge. And there was only thing stopping him from hunting down Kevin Hadley and Spellman…the thing was called love, the woman – Erin Lindsay.

"So what you're gonna do?"

"I can buy that boat business over at Grace Lake with whatever money I've got left…"

"But?" Matt pressed further, even though he knew what the problem with Kelly's idea was.

"Erin's in Chicago." Severide replied in undertone, his feelings for the CPD detective evident in his voice.

"You two - " Matt grinned for a second, his smile vanishing when a new wave of pain flashed through his friend's face.

"She deserves better than me, man…I…I've no idea who I am anymore."

"Why don't you talk to Kara? You know she can help - "

"No!" Severide barked icily, the sudden change in his tone taking Casey by surprise, Truck's Lieutenant starting to think that it was going to be one of their usual dead-end conversations.

"Kelly - "

"I'm not talking to anymore shrinks, Matt! I wanna forget about Hadley and Spellman and…Shay, and resume my life somehow…is it so damn much?!"

"No…if you're ready to put it all behind and let CPD deal with those two."

"Yeah…"

For some reason, the whole plan couldn't put Casey's mind at ease. He was having the terrible feeling that Kelly was refusing to acknowledge the result from the trial. He feared that his friend was going to bottle it up and not deal with the pain and anger, turning into a bomb ready to explode, with two psychopaths out there who could easily trigger it. The fact that he was on shift on the next day, meaning that he would have to leave Kelly alone, was scaring him even more. "Why don't you come to the station tomorrow?"

"I'll pass." Severide uttered in remorse. "You've got the keys for the Herrmann's house?"

"What's in your mind?"

"I just need time to clear my head and…I don't know, do something productive with my time…"

Xxx

"Kevin." A smile appeared on Spellman's face when he opened the door of his house the morning after the trial and Hadley walked in, dropping his bag on the floor. "Was expecting you last night."

"Went out…enjoyed my freedom." Kevin grinned, following his new best friend to the room he was going to live at.

"Yeah…I bet Severide had a good night, too." Spellmann continued their small chat, feeling enormous satisfaction. "I followed him and Casey after the trial yesterday…to the graveyard." He laughed, the hatred in his voice making Hadley even happier.

"If he likes it so much, it's gonna be his permanent home soon…" Hadley's voice died out as he looked through the window, enjoying the blue sky and the sun.

"And what about the others?!" Spellman snapped, the smug disappearing from his face. He picked up a photo from the nightstand, a photo of him and his family in the park, pointing his oldest kid. "The deal is I help you get out of jail, then you help me destroy every single member of that damn firehouse! I lost my family because of them!"

"I know what the deal is!" Hadley hissed through greeted teeth, the morning sun falling on his burned skin. "Who's next on your list – Casey?"

"He and Severide urged their people to transfer me out!"

"See, I read your mind…And you're underestimating me! I've had enough time to think of what to do to Casey to both satisfy your desire to hurt him and finish Severide…it's a win win for both of us…"

Xxx

"Calm down, Casey, he's okay!" Erin informed the Truck's Lieutenant over the phone. It was dinner time and it was already dark outside, but she recognized Kelly's frame, sitting on the floor next to the staircase of Herrmann's new house, dry paint all over his t-shirt. The CPD detective had been on her way to the house to join her friend when Matt had called her, worried sick that Squad's Lieutenant's phone had been off all day.

Lindsay ended the call and walked closer to Severide, placing a deliciously smelling bag on the floor next to him. She looked around, finally realizing why everything in the living room looked so familiar. She sat down next to him. "Had to choose between Indian and Chinese…" She said, taking a pack of shrimp chips and two take away boxes out of the bag.

"Chinese's better." Kelly offered a fake smile before opening one of the boxes. "No forks?"

"Mr. Yau and his father got offended when I asked for forks...had to take the chopsticks and get out of there." Erin giggled, amused to see that Kelly was good at manoeuvring them to get the bamboo shoots surrounding his chicken into his mouth. "You've been practicing?"

"It's one of the few things Benny's ever taught me…We used to go to that sushi restaurant on my street, no forks…then I turned fourteen and realized what a jerk he was."

"You've talked to him?" She asked suspiciously.

"This morning…he apologized for not being able to come here and testify…"

"Kelly, you know he cannot help us…Vince Keeler's case - "

"I know!" Squad Lieutenant growled, raising his hand to indicate he didn't want to talk about his screw up dad.

"And your phone?" Lindsay pointed the device that was now lying on the floor, its display broken into tiny pieces, its battery a few inches away.

"Slipped out of my pocket." He lied, finishing his dinner.

Lindsay didn't buy it, but said nothing, spending the next minute enjoying her food and admiring what Kelly had done to the house…

"I've seen this furniture before, Kelly…" Her tone was calm and casual, but she could not ignore the fact that everything Shay and Kelly had owned, every single piece of furniture from their apartment, was now at Herrmann's house.

"I was gonna give everything to charity…can't afford to be paying for the storage unit anymore…Herrmann needs it more." Severide explained, a sad smile appearing on his face. He picked up the empty box of Chinese food and stood up, leaving it on the small table he had put into the living room, Erin doing the same.

"You'd need a couch…and a table at some point."

Kelly looked at her with a dull expression, shaking his head. "You see that red stain?" With his index finger, he pointed a small dark red stain near the right armrest. "Shay's birthday, two years ago, we had a bit too much wine, she laughed at my stupid joke so damn hard that she dropped her glass on the couch…"

"Kelly - " She touched his cheek.

"It's just…It brings back memories, Erin..."

"Okay." Lindsay's lips lifted upwards, the smile not staying on her face for long. "Herrmann's clan would be happy to have a TV."

"Yeah…I've left a few DVD's in that cupboard as well…"

"Now that you mentioned DVD's - " Erin grinned. "How does a cinema evening sound? "Unfinished Business" starts in fifty minutes." She looked at him with a cheeky smile.

"If it's as boring as the last movie we saw - "

"Halstead watched it last week…"

"He's seen it?" Kelly's eyebrows furrowed. He couldn't help it but laugh when Lindsay looked at him, amused. "We need to keep up with him."

"So we're going?"

"Oh yeah…but I need to change my shirt first."

Xxx

"So, you're telling me you went out with more girls than Severide in high school?" Cruz asked the new Squad guy Chief had brought, Scott Rice, in a serious voice, Otis chuckling next to him, Matt reading his paper and listening to their talk with half ear. He wasn't sure whether to like the new guy or not, but with Capp stepping up as an Acting Lieutenant of Squad 3 while Severide was on suspension, they needed somebody to fill in the spot.

"Casey, my office!" Boden's angry voice sounded from the hallway. Leaving the paper on the table, Matt followed Chief to his office, closing the door behind. "It's only 7am and I've already had a hell of a day!"

"What's up, Chief?" Matt dared to ask, soon to regret it. He sat on the chair across Boden's desk.

"I've just got a call from Doctor Robert Shaw, a psychiatrist, does it ring a bell?"

"No." Casey answered truthfully.

"Severide's not mentioned anything about him?"

"No, Chief."

"Apparently, after what happened in court the other day, that judge ordered him to meet Doctor Shaw once a week, or the next one to be sentenced is gonna be him…the doctor's not heard anything from Severide!"

"Sentenced for what?"

"Assaulting Spellman, threatening to kill Hadley in court…do I need to continue?"

Casey sighed in frustration, not knowing what to say. "That Doctor Shaw called you?"

"He did!" Boden barked, hitting the top of his desk. "He's been trying to contact Kelly for two days now, no result, so he's decided to call his superior, meaning me! And if Severide does not call him back by the end of today, he's gonna take Hadley's place in jail and meet that shrink against his will!"

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**Okay, you're the best! Can't thank you enough for reading, reviewing and the continues support!**

**Hmmm, Hadley's out and wait, what? They're planning on hurting Casey? Ouch…It would definitely bring on more angst…and more Linseride and bromance of course!**

**Kelly's trying hard to keep up his promise and fight his demons, but is he really doing a good job? Probably not, ignoring the problems won't make them disappear (unfortunately)...and his words to Shay…How do you think the whole shrink problem would play out?**

**Another question – I really liked the new guy – Scott, in the last episode and actually think he might fit into the story (he knows Kelly since their teenage years, probably been friends with Andy Darden and has lost his wife). Would you like to see him in the story?**

**And finally, what do you think of the Kelly/Casey/Erin moments in this chapter? Thought that a cinema night with Lindsay wouldn't hurt while Matt's working, hope you like the idea.**

**I'd love to hear your opinion, no matter what it is, so please review! Thanks!**


	11. Chapter 11

_Warning:__ The story contains spoilers for season 3, 2 and 1_

_Disclaimer:__ I do not own any of the characters or the plot of Chicago Fire and Chicago PD. I do not own the lyrics of the songs used. I do not own the text taken directly from the show. This story is intended for fun only and I am not making any money with it!_

**Chapter 11**

Casey got home after his shift and the surprising talk with Boden in a very bad mood, Chief walking a step behind him. They knew he was alone in the apartment, even though Erin had spent the night in his bed after their cinema date.

They found Severide sat at the dining table, sipping his morning coffee and trying to solve a rather complicated Sudoku in the paper…a pile of pieces that had once formed an article in the paper- on the table. Both Matt and Boden recognized Hadley's face and bits and pieces of the headline…a headline they've already seen in the morning paper Mills had gotten…a headline about a firefighter who had been put in jail by mistake…

"Morning." Kelly mumbled as casually as possible, his eyes darting between his fellow lieutenant and Boden.

"You've read that article?" Matt remembered every single word of it. The whole firehouse had read it, many people voicing their opinion, adding quite a few cynical remarks…

"No need to, Casey! I was there!" Kelly's harsh tone softened after he noticed the pity in Chief's look. "I don't care about Hadley anymore."

"Yeah, I can see that." Truck Lieutenant snarled, referring to what had once been a whole page in a paper. Without saying anything else, Matt grabbed his bag and walked into his bedroom, throwing it on the bed. He wasn't angry because Kelly had lied to him, wasn't angry because his friend was apparently not trusting him enough to admit what the judge had ordered him…he was angry because his best friend, brother, had reached the bottom and was stuck there, not even trying to find a way out.

His eyes fell upon a photo of Gabby and Shay, asleep on the gurney in the ambo. Matt shook his head, muttering a curse…he couldn't give up on his best friend…because of Shay, because of Kelly…because they were brothers and he knew that Severide would have done the same for him.

When Truck's Lieutenant returned into the living room, Kelly was goofing around with Chief, trying hard to prove he was okay, when in fact, he had been once again awoken by Hadley's face appearing in his dream at 6am. He had taken an hour long shower and had cooked breakfast for Lindsay afterwards in a desperate attempt to forget about the people who had messed up his life, but his mind had ended up dwelling on Kevin and Spellman many times in the last three hours.

"How was shift?" Severide directed his question to Matt, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Quiet…Squad's got a new addition." Casey said firmly, disappearing into the kitchen and returning a minute later with two mugs of coffee.

"Who?"

"Scott Rice." Boden replied, finally deciding to take a seat, Truck's Lieutenant doing the same. "Said he is ready…I believe him."

"He's a good guy, Chief, deserves the chance." Kelly really meant what he said.

"Yeah, maybe you should learn something from him." Boden barked.

"What's that?" Squad's Lieutenant frowned, having a feeling where the conversation was heading and not liking it.

"He could heal only after he got the courage to admit to himself he needed help…for his and his kid's sake…you've got enough reasons to do it, and yet you're fooling yourself you're okay."

"I'm fine Chief!" Kelly growled, getting up, preparing to leave the room, not wanting to get into another fight with them.

"Someone who's fine does not ignore court orders!"

"What?" Severide barked, his eyes widening…all he wanted was to forget about the trial, Hadley and Spellman, and yet what everybody did was to remind him of the nightmare.

"Dr. Shaw called - " Casey's voice died out when Kelly raised his hand, already agitated.

"No shrinks…I'm telling you I'm fine and ready to return to full duty!"

"It's not up to you…or me!" Boden rose to his feet. "Chief Tiberg wasn't very happy that one of my lieutenants nearly killed an ex-firefighter in front of the firehouse…but out of respect for the firefighter you are, and for your father, he's willing to overlook the assault and won't fire your ass if you take your life in hands."

"Chief, I've put everything behind…no need to talk to anyone, I'm - "

"You're not fine!" Boden finished in a high pitched voice. "Do you realize that if you don't call that doctor today, you'll be charged with assault?!"

"CFD will kick you out the same way they did with Spellman…you wanna end up like him?" Casey added.

"Great…you know what, just call Erin and ask her to arrest me!"

"If that's the only way to get you to talk to somebody, I will!" Matt tossed the harsh remark, his feelings clouding his judgement.

Kelly simply turned around to hide the pain in his eyes…"If that's your way of having my back, Casey, don't bother…"His voice trailed off before he stepped to the couch where his black leather jacket was. "I've got work at the boat yard." He uttered, walking away in silence. Letting out a snort, Matt kicked the chair closest to him, his eyes focusing on his superior when Chief's phone buzzed. The conversation he had took only a few seconds, but the relief on his face told the Truck Lieutenant that something positive had just happened…

"It was Herrmann. Luke's breathing on his own."

Casey let out a sigh of relief. "Thank God!"

"The doctors still need to test him for brain damage, but…Luke's a fighter."

"He is…Look, Chief, I meant what I said. If getting Severide arrested means he'll get help - "

"I've got a better idea."

Xxx

As Erin climbed the stairs and walked to her desk, she noticed that all heads were turned in the direction of Voight's office. "What's up guys?"

"Commander Fischer's in there…it's about the arsonist." Ruzek replied, not taking his eyes off Voight's office door.

Lindsay did not need to hear anything more. She dumped her coat on her desk and made her way to her boss' office, knocking on the door once before walking in.

"Detective…" The Commander looked at her with arched brows, not happy that she was disturbing them. "A closed door usually means that whatever's going on inside's private." He added with annoyance.

"You tell her everything you told me!" Voight barked standing upright behind his desk.

Commander Fisher shook his head, deciding that he might as well go ahead, as he was sure Hank was going to update his team anyways. "First of all, it wasn't up to me…it was decided that there is not enough evidence to proceed with the arsonist case and - "

"We know who's responsible!" Erin growled, starting to feel helpless.

"You've got no proof! Just a hunch's not enough in our job!" Fisher reasoned, but the stern look Lindsay gave him told him that he had made it into the top three of her "to hate" list.

"Kelly Severide - "

"Is mentally unstable, on suspension, with a court order to visit a psychiatrist…his testimony won't stick in any court!" The Commanded finished Lindsay's sentence with a huff. "You have to stop wasting resources on this case and focus on the three ongoing ones that require Intelligence attention."

"Good people died because of the arsonist! A little boy is in the ICU…the life of the best firefighter I know is a mess…" Lindsay's voice died out when she realized that her words wouldn't change the Commander's mind.

"I'm sorry. The case is going cold for now…if new evidence emerge we'll talk again." Fisher turned around to leave, and no one said anything else to stop him.

Voight and Erin walked out the office a few seconds after the Commander, Hank looking at each and every one of his team members before speaking. "Listen to me now! I don't give a damn what he says. We'll work 24/7 if we have to, but I want that arsonist either with a life sentence, or in a coffin, understood?!"

All people nodded, everyone muttered "yes". Because, after all, Fifty-one was family, and you don't give up on family.

Xxx

Hours after Kelly had began repairing the motor of an old, crappy boat, he finally managed to start it. It was far from done, and frankly said, Kelly did not care about it at all. But it was giving him the so much needed distraction from the problems and it was all he could ask for.

What he did not know was that a set of eyes had been watching his every movement…the eyes of a man with no soul or heart…the eyes of Kevin Hadley. Ex-lieutenant Spellman had been following Casey all day, and was now observing the Truck's Lieutenant as the later waited for Scott Rice to meet him at the parking lot near the boat yard…

"Sorry I'm late." Rice apologized when he and his son got out of his car, the kid examining his father's colleague with interest. "My mum was supposed to watch the little man but she's got a stomach bug."

"In that case…how about we go over there to the big yacht and see if can have a look inside?" Casey smiled widely as he looked at Scott's son first and then pointed a shiny yacht not far away from where they were. "I have a feeling we might find pirates there!" Actually, the owner of the yacht was his and Severide mutual friend.

"Please?" The boy looked at his dad with pleading eyes.

"Okay, but you'll be a good boy and won't go anywhere without Matt, okay? Daddy needs to a find a friend now."

"Okaaay."

"Thanks for doing this." Matt said gratefully. He suspected that Kelly was still mad at him for his words in the morning and was not entirely sure if it was appropriate for him to hear what Rice had to say to the Squad's Lieutenant, so he was going to leave them alone for a while.

"A year ago I was where he is." Scott smiled sadly. "But the little soldier here needs his father."

"You're doing a great job." Casey reassured him, "You know where to find him?"

"I do." Rice patted his son's shoulder before heading to the east end of the boat yard, his eyes fixed on the figure of the man who had done the impossible to get him on his feet after his wife's death…

"Crap!" Kelly cursed when a small bolt slipped out of his hand and fell into the water. He reached out to take a new one out of a box next to him when he heard footsteps. Looking up, he was greeted by the face of a man he had not expected to see.

"Hey, Kelly." Rice said in a quiet voice, extending his arm so Severide could grab his hand and get up.

"Casey sent you?" Kelly muttered, knowing well who had told Scott where to find him.

"Good to see you, too." Scott preferred not be one of the many people telling the Squad Lieutenant how everybody was worried sick about him. "Haven't seen you in a while…miss the drunken nights out."

Kelly shook his head and motioned for his friend to sit on the small bench a few inches away, then sat on the wooden surface, taking a deep breath. "Yeah, sorry about what I said at Shay's funeral, it was just - "

"Tough?" Scott finished the sentence, remembering the last time he had spoken with Kelly, on the worst day of Squad's Lieutenant's life. "I know, been there. No need to apologize."

"If you're gonna tell me how you've managed to pull through and how I should do the same, don't waste your words." Severide snarled.

"No…I'm gonna tell you that admitting I needed help to myself was one of the hardest and most rewarding things I've ever done...one evening I came home wasted, found out that my mum had taken Logan away from me…I was a danger to my own kid, Kelly!"

"Great story." Kelly's sarcastic comment could not stop Rice from saying what he had in mind.

"That night I was alone in the house, had managed to push everyone miles away…there was nobody to tell me how I needed to fight, or get help…You know what I realized?" Scott did not wait for the reply. "That I'd been falling into a bottomless black hole so deep that no one could pull me out magically. I had to either reach out and take the help everyone's been offering, or I could keep sinking deeper and deeper until it was impossible to come back."

"It's different - "

"It's not!" Rice uttered harshly, getting Kelly's full attention. "First the angst, the anger, then denial, but deep down you can't forget, the demons are still there, you can't stop seeing their faces, hearing their voices…everybody notices how it's eating you alive, even your own son asks you why you're always sad, why you're waking up screaming every night, but you keep telling people you're fine, you don't need or want to talk about it, finding comfort in something else like alcohol, or chasing arsonists…"

"No."

"Two days before mum took Logan, you told me that I had to accept I needed help, I sent you away! Now I'm telling you, you need to admit it to yourself…can't describe you the happiness on Logan's face when I went to my mum's place to take him home a month later, Kelly. It was worth it!"

Both men turned in the direction of Matt's and Logan's cheerful voices, the child still talking about pirates and how he wanted to live on their ship. With the corner of his eyes Casey examined Kelly's stained expression, not missing his glassy eyes.

"I was so close to losing him." Scott added when Logan ran forward and embraced him into a hug. "Can't imagine my life without him. It's not perfect, but we have each other now."

"Apparently he can imagine his without Erin and his career, pretending he's fine in jail all alone." Truck Lieutenant didn't miss the opportunity to remind Kelly what was going to happen if he did not call Doctor Shaw soon.

When Severide got up and walked back to the boat he had been repairing, grabbing the rucksack he had brought, Matt thought that his friend was going to run away once again. Kelly unzipped it and looked inside, finally remembering that his phone was broken. Swallowing the big lump inside his throat, he glanced upon Matt, not sure how steady his voice was going to be when he spoke. "Can I…can I use your phone?" He rattled without knowing what he was going to tell the shrink beside that he wanted to meet him on the next day…

Not far away from where they were, two men exchanged a look. If the two lieutenants wanted to fight fires, they were going to get the opportunity soon…but according to Hadley's and Spellman's plan, somebody wasn't going to make it out alive…

Xxx

"You've started the party without me?" Erin arched her brows, stealing a single French fry out of the bag of fries in Kelly's hand before taking a seat next to him, Matt, Scott and Logan sitting at the table as well. Rice had offered to take them to a diner he and Severide had loved in their high school years, to reconnect, to talk more, to relax, insisting on meeting the girl that held a special place in his friend's heart.

"You're damn right, Severide, she is pretty!" Scott grinned, everybody chuckling when his son nodded in agreement.

"It's not a crime." Lindsay snickered, her eyes falling on the beef burger in front of Casey. "But not ordering one of these for me is."

The second she finished her sentence a waitress emerged from the kitchen with the same massive burger, French fries on the side, and a plate of hash browns.

"Give me your money, man." Kelly said in a serious tone, fixing his eyes on Matt, confusing the hell out of Erin. But Scott and Casey bursting into laughter told her it was some sort of a men's joke. "I told him it was gonna take you only thirty minutes to find this place, he insisted you won't be here in the next hour…Won twenty bucks."

"Too bad, Kelly, I'm out of cash." Matt teased. "But the dinner's on me."

"Can live with it." The corners of Kelly's lips twisted upwards when a smile lit Erin's face, making him forget about the nasty world for a moment. She decided not to mention anything about the case going cold and just enjoy the first happy dinner they were having in forever….

Casey reached for a hash brown, his hand landing on Scott's as he wanted the exact same one, none of them letting the other have it. Lindsay just shook her head, grabbing her piping hot burger with both hands, filling her mouth with so much bread, cheese and meat that she couldn't even laugh at the two firemen fighting for a piece of food.

"Daddy, toilet." Logan slid off his chair suddenly, grabbing his father's arm.

"Just a second." Rice murmured, not giving up on his hash brown.

Jumping from one leg to the other, Logan let out a quiet "okaaay", looking as if he could not wait.

"I'll take him…need it too." Kelly offered, amused with the pointless battle between his fellow lieutenant and Scott.

Logan ran into the toilet before Kelly had even made it to the door. Squad's Lieutenant pushed the door slightly opened when a hand grabbed him from behind, a hand he recognized without even looking at the man it belonged to. Letting go of the door, Kelly turned around, disgusted by the face that greeted him, the face of Kevin Hadley.

"Guess we both love the hash browns here." Hadley shrugged, enjoying the sick mind game he was playing.

"Get lost." Kelly growled, somebody whose face he did not see shoving past him to get into the toilet. It cost him a great deal not to punch Kevin and wipe the smug off his face.

"I'm a free man, lieutenant, can be wherever I want."

"Not for long…"

"You sure? I guess your lady friend has not yet told you that your imaginary arsonist's case's just gone cold." Hadley rattled out, turning around to leave, as asked.

A cold wave of panic went through Kelly's entire body, paralyzing fear overwhelming him when Hadley disappeared out of his sight. CPD had promised him to send the ex-firefighters back to where they belonged, Erin had given him her word, and now the system was letting two cold-blood murderers live happily…His mind screamed for him to go after Hadley and end his life once and for all…

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**Thank you all for reading and for all your comments and thoughts!**

**Angst, angst, angst…and more to come. I bet you thought this chapter was going to have a happy-end for a change, but nooo, sometimes I think I just can't write happy fics, lol. Well, at least Luke's getting a bit better, poor Herrmann's deserve a little break.**

**Okay, I hope you liked Scott's input, he's not taking Casey's place in the story, I promise, I just saw him as someone who had personal experience with such traumatic events. Matt and Chief made a good choice by asking him for help, right? Would love to hear your opinion.**

**Hmm, Erin slept in Kelly's bed? They just snuggled (for now, haha). She's really upset for what's going on with the arsonist's case, but did she made the right choice to hide it from Kelly?**

**You'll see what Hadley's plan is soon, prepare for some more pain and angst and revenge…**

**I'd love to hear your opinion, no matter what it is, so please review! Thanks!**


	12. Chapter 12

_Warning:__ The story contains spoilers for season 3, 2 and 1_

_Disclaimer:__ I do not own any of the characters or the plot of Chicago Fire and Chicago PD. I do not own the lyrics of the songs used. I do not own the text taken directly from the show. This story is intended for fun only and I am not making any money with it!_

**Chapter 12**

"_You sure? I guess your lady friend has not yet told you that your imaginary arsonist's case's just gone cold." Hadley rattled out, turning around to leave, as asked._

_A cold wave of panic went through Kelly's entire body, paralyzing fear overwhelming him when Hadley disappeared out of his sight. CPD had promised him to send the ex-firefighters back to where they belonged, Erin had given him her word, and now the system was letting two cold-blood murderers live happily…His mind screamed for him to go after Hadley and end his life once and for all…_

Ordering his uncooperative legs to move, Kelly ran after the man he hated so much, catching up with him outside the diner. "Hadley!" Kelly yelled and Kevin stopped dead on his tracks, enjoying his small victory. "You're free! What else do you want?!"

"You…I want you to suffer." Kevin stated, his tone calm and even, every second of torturing the Squad's Lieutenant making him happy…

Inside the diner, Casey and Scott placed the hash brown they'd been fighting for on Erin's plate, their conversation heading in the direction of football, Lindsay finding the topic boring. Listening to them curse one of the players, she finished her burger and looked up…Her heart skipped a beat when she distinguished the silhouettes of the two males on the sidewalk in front of the window.

"Crap." She muttered, jumping to her feet before Casey and Scott had the chance to glance through the window.

"Damn it." Casey muttered and ran after the CPD detective, Scott behind him. The few seconds it took them to get outside felt like an eternity…

"You sick son of a bitch!" Kelly's angry growl was heard by all of his friends. He balled up his fists, but Erin grabbed his right arm before he could use it to break the teeth in Hadley's mouth.

"No." Matt grumbled, his wide open, glaring eyes moving from Kelly to Kevin, his eyebrows pulled down together to express the anger and hatred he was feeling. Lindsay pulled Severide aside and blocked his way, Kelly grinding his teeth to stop himself from giving Erin a piece of his mind.

Pointing a finger at Hadley's chest, Casey had to focus on his own breathing not to lose control and strangle the man in front of him with his bare hands. "Go!"

"Okay." Hadley shrugged with a grin on his ugly face. "See you soon, lieutenants."

None of them said anything else until Kevin got lost behind the corner of the diner. But when their enemy couldn't be seen anymore, Kelly turned to face Lindsay. She was taken aback by the mixture of pure anger and betrayal displayed on his face, her brain quickly figuring out what Hadley had just told the Squad Lieutenant.

"We've not given up!" She wanted to explain before he had the chance to speak his mind, words he was going to regret later.

"The case's closed!" He raised his voice, Scott and Casey staring at him without understanding what was going on. "You promised - "

"Kelly, where's Logan?" Scott interjected, looking around frantically, having just realized that his son was not there.

"Men's room…" Severide mumbled, hurrying after Rice and Casey.

Matt stormed into the men's room, a few heads turning in his direction. "Logan!"

"Logan!" Scott yelled, but his son was not there.

Lindsay knelt on the floor, looking under each cabin door, earning a few disapproving looks from the men in there. "CPD!" She barked, no need to say anything else.

"A skinny boy, five-six year old, brown hair, blue shirt?" Rice's heart almost came to a stop when a mid-aged men described his kid.

"Yeah!" Kelly nodded firmly.

"I knew it! Found it weird that the boy cried so hard when the man got him."

"What man?" Casey snarled, but the look on Severide's face told him he knew the answer.

"Said he's a firefighter, a colleague of the boys' father - "

"And you did nothing to stop him?!" Scott shot an angry glance at the man, panic evident in his voice.

"Can you describe that man?" Lindsay's voice did not leave place for a negative answer.

"His height and weight." The man looked at Matt who was standing next to Kelly, worrying what his friends' reaction would be. "Light brown hair, around thirty-five, wearing a dark blue hoodie and jeans."

"Spellman!" Kelly uttered, the man whose face he had not distinguished at the restroom's door flashing in front of his eyes. "He…walked past me…Hadley must have wanted me to follow him outside…DAMN IT!" His shoe connected with the nearest paper bin, its content flying to the floor. Shaking his head, he rested his palms on the sink, closing his eyes for a second.

"Sounds like Spellman." Matt confirmed, standing close to Kelly with a paper towel as the Squad Lieutenant splashed cold water on his face.

"Sir, you need to come with me and give us a detailed description." Erin's words came out as an order. She pulled her phone out of her pocket, pressing one of the speed dial buttons. "Voight…"

Xxx

It was four in the morning when Casey, Kelly and Scott got to Matt's place, Dawson waiting impatiently for them on the couch, to hear what was going on. They'd spent over five hours with Voight's team, Scott giving the detectives some recent photos of Logan, Kelly telling them what had happened when he had taken the child to the men's room, describing the man who had walked past him, revealing his whole talk with Hadley.

Voight had won jurisdiction over the case and had sent a majority of his team out to talk to the witnesses and get the tapes from the surveillance cameras at the diner. Erin and a woman from the forensic sciences department had talked to the man who had seen Spellman, another woman had sketched him based on the description…a portrait that was going to prove what they already knew.

"Any news?" Gabby's gaze darted between the three firemen, Matt shaking his head, afraid to say "no". She glanced upon Scott, who was standing motionless next to the coffee table, his face pale…Gabby was glad Matt had invited Rice to stay with them…together they were stronger. "They'll find him."

"Yeah...just like they kept their other promises." Kelly muttered and shoved past Casey, slamming the door of his bedroom after he disappeared inside.

Casey left Scott with Gabby in the living room and followed Severide, trying to figure out what to do to make things better for his friend. He knocked gently on the door before walking inside, then sat beside Kelly on the bed.

"Not now, man."

"You know Voight and Erin won't stop - "

"I don't!" Severide snarled, letting his tired frame fall on the bed, his back resting on the fine sheets covering the mattress. "I've heard their promises too many times already and Hadley's still out there!

"CPD's got Spellman's description. It's a matter of time before they find him."

"Tell that to Rice…he needs you more, Casey." Kelly uttered, wanting to be left alone.

Casey could tell when he had a chance of talking some sense into his fellow lieutenant and that wasn't one of those moments. He pushed himself upright, shooting one final gaze at Kelly. "I'm taking you to meet Doctor Shaw tomorrow at nine. Not up for a debate."

"Fine." Severide responded curtly, then rolled over and buried his head under the pillow. Matt sighed quietly, covering his friend's frame with the blanket that was on the bed before leaving the dark room.

Xxx

As the morning sun lit up the small living room of a familiar apartment, the people currently living there having gone on a month long trip in Europe, Spellman sat beside Hadley on the couch, a teddy bear in his right hand. "He's terrified." The ex-firefighter was talking about the boy in the other bedroom, the boy they had kidnapped…Logan.

"You feel sorry for him?" Hadley shot him a glance, starting to feel irritated with the constant moaning of his partner, who had already told him a few times that Logan was just a kid, an innocent boy, who reminded him of his youngest daughter…the daughter who meant the world to him.

"He's not done anything wrong…" Spellman uttered, feeling Kevin's hatred.

"Yet…With Scott Rice and Kelly Severide as role models - "

"You're sick!" Spellman hissed, getting up with the intention to check on the boy and prepare him something to eat. But he had barely made a step forward when Hadley grabbed him by the arm, twisting his hand behind his back. Spellman grimaced in pain.

"You want everyone to suffer, right?" Kevin whispered in his partner's ear.

"Yeah…"

"Then focus on the plan! You know what to do!"

Xxx

After the exhaustion had taken its toll on the Squad's Lieutenant, he had fallen asleep under the warm blanket, but his brief moment of peace was once again disturbed by nightmares of Kevin Hadley, his mind reminding him that he had fallen into a trap for a hundredth time, and the price could be the life of an innocent boy.

Severide rolled out of bed, cursing his stiffened legs, and shed the jeans and shirt he had fallen asleep in on the floor. Grabbing a clean towel on his way, he stormed into the bathroom and spent the next half an hour under the warm water, trying to forget about the meeting with the shrink…he knew Matt was determined to drag him to Doctor Shaw's office no matter what, and truthfully, he had come in terms with the idea of talking to the psychiatrist after Rice's lecture, but Hadley had ruined everything once again.

Kelly walked into the living room just as someone knocked on the door. Casey let Lindsay in, Scott quickly shortening the distance between them, quickly realizing that she had no news…neither good, nor bad. Rice ran his fingers through his hair in desperation and collapsed back on the couch, not hiding his trembling hands.

"You've closed the case, again?" Kelly grumbled, starring at Erin as if she was the only person in the room.

"It's not fair, Kelly." She grabbed his hand before he could step back, pulling him closer to herself.

"Lots of things aren't fair - " His voice died out, a huge lump forming in his throat. He wanted to yell, to get it all out of his chest, but instead she pulled him even closer to her warm body and his head rested on her shoulder, his burning tears sinking through Lindsay's top all the way to her soft skin.

"Olinsky and Ruzek traced the car Spellman used last night. He's abandoned it near Oakbrook Centre. Antonio's checking the security cameras there now, if we're lucky we'll find out if he's changed cars - "

"When?!" Rice snapped, tired of hearing "Ifs" and empty promises.

"We've not stopped all night! Olinsky's trying to track Hadley down. Halstead, Voight and a team of forensic scientists are with the car! We'll find him, Scott, I promise!"

Rice raise his hand in desperation and headed for the bathroom, the only place in the crowded apartment where he could find some privacy. Kelly pulled away from Erin's gentle hug and followed him.

"Kelly, we need to leave in fifteen." Matt said after his friend, shaking his head when there was no reply. "If that shrink doesn't help - "

Xxx

"I'm going in alone, Casey!" Kelly repeated what he had just said, Matt not taking his eyes off him. They were inside Casey's truck, parked on the street in front of the building where Doctor Shaw's office was.

"Okay." Truck Lieutenant backed off. "I'm gonna be in the park over there." He turned his body halfway around to look at the small green area next to the building, consisting of some grass, two benches and swings. "Come and get me when you're done."

"Yeah." Kelly uttered before leaving the car. He was scared…terrified even…every fibre of his body was screaming at him to turn around and help Scott find his son…to find the boy, missing because of him…to get Hadley and send him to hell.

He got to the entrance and stopped dead in his tracks, his heart pounding in his chest. Kelly was about to walk away when he felt a strong hand rest on his shoulder, the corners of his eyes catching a glimpse of the face of his fellow lieutenant…

Unfortunately somebody else was watching both of them from a pickup across the street…evil eyes.

"Come on." Casey urged, waiting patiently for his friend to start moving again. The two of them walked inside, stopping at the reception, asking for Doctor Shaw. Two minutes later Matt spotted the middle aged psychiatrist exit the elevator and it was his clue to leave the building, granting the receptionist with a smile.

When Kelly and the psychiatrist reached the office, the later motioned for Severide to take a seat on the leather couch in the small room. Shaw pulled up a chair and sat in front of him so that they could have eye contact. Kelly's eyes darted around the office, falling on the Doctor's certificates displayed on the wall, a photo of him, his wife and his twin granddaughters standing on his desk, a drawing of his whole family next to the photo.

"Lieutenant - "

"Kelly." Severide snarled.

"Kelly. I've been doing this job for over twenty years, how many people in your shoes you think I've seen?"

"I don't really care."

"I know you don't." Shaw stood up, walked to his desk, poured two cups of water and handed one to Severide, then sat back on his chair. "But I want to find out why this is."

"You already know everything about me…you were at Hadley's trial, you've read stuff about me, you can draw your own conclusions."

"What I've heard is what other people think. You know, everyone has their own point of view – take Hadley, or your best friend Lieutenant Casey, or the woman who has certain feelings for you, your friends from the firehouse…I want to hear yours now, it's the only one that matters. I need to know what you think, what you believe in, what you want from life, then I can help you. Contrary to what you might think, you weren't sent here as a punishment for what happened in that court room. I was there to assess your mental state, yes, but I saw a man who's broken from the inside, not a psycho. The judge is a good friend of mine, we talked, we agreed that even if police had to take you, you were coming to see me…I was sure your friends wouldn't let it happen though."

"What do you want me to talk about?"

"Whatever's in your mind right now." The Doctor shrugged. He turned around and reached for the small plastic jar of jellybeans on his desk. "My granddaughters love them…they are quite good I have to admit." He smiled warmly, then offered some of the candy to the firefighter…Shay had loved jellybeans, the green ones. Kelly lifted his hand, grabbed two and stuffed them into his mouth.

Yeah, Doctor Shaw had worked with a lot of people going through traumatic experiences. He could tell when a patient was ready to talk…Kelly Severide was. He had walked in the office unwillingly, terrified, mad for being there…but the firefighter had let his body lean back and had made himself comfortable, actions that spoke volumes to the experienced psychiatrist.

"My friend's kid…he's your granddaughters' age…Hadley kidnapped him last night!" Kelly confessed, a volcano of yet unspoken words coming next. "I wish he could just finish me off…me, not…not the people I care about! And Spellman…I get it he hates the whole firehouse, but helping Hadley? Killing innocent people…Shay, the Herrmann's, now a kid…why -" Kelly chocked on his words, not able to hold his sobs anymore.

"It's okay, Kelly."

"You know what doc…there's not been a day without me crying since…since they killed Shay! That damn building…it could have been anyone…me. I was closer to the propane tanks, and yet I didn't even need stitches. Shay was downstairs…when I regained consciousness I thought she was safe, felt…relieved she was down there….Should have been me - " Severide's voice died out when the spare phone Matt had given him buzzed. Kelly just ignored it, not able to stop the words once they'd come. "My whole life's been just that – one disappointment after another…when I met Shay, it all felt right…had the job I've always dreamed of, had my best friends, had her…still remember the day Hadley came on Squad…I thought we could be friends, he could fit into our group - " Kelly's phone buzzed again. His hand flew into his pocket, no id of the caller displayed.

"Take it…we've got plenty of time." Shaw encouraged him, coming to the conclusion that whoever was pestering his patient would not stop. Kelly mumbled "okay", stood up and walked out of the office, to the empty corridor.

"Severide." He barked.

"_Can't save them both."_

"What?"

But instead of an answer a soft click sounded. "Hey?!" Kelly snarled, glancing up at the display…Even though his hand was trembling, he couldn't take his eyes off the screen…two videos running simultaneously, real time videos, each taking half of the screen, one of Logan, tied up to a chair, a creamy wall behind him…the other one even more shocking, of a man whose nose was bleeding, a bruise on the cheek, tied up to a pipe with his hands behind his back, a pipe inside what could be every abandoned building in the city. It was hard to tell if the man was conscious or not…

"No…Casey…" Kelly uttered, the content of his stomach rising up…

**Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

**Ooooops, damn you Hadley, what have you done?! So yeah, he's in kidnapping mood now, but we all know he also loves fires…hmmm, not good. I hinted a few chapters back that Matt was going to be their next target, but hope I've managed to surprise you at least a little bit now…**

**And with Casey being one of the victims, Kelly's going to need Erin on his side more than ever, like for real…He's definitely not happy she didn't tell him about the case, but how could he stay mad at her? xD…more troubles coming.**

**Would love to hear your thoughts on Scott's story and Logan being the second victim, and on Kelly opening up to Shaw.**

**Sooo, please review before you go Thanks!**


	13. Chapter 13

_Warning:__ The story contains spoilers for season 3, 2 and 1_

_Disclaimer:__ I do not own any of the characters or the plot of Chicago Fire and Chicago PD. I do not own the lyrics of the songs used. I do not own the text taken directly from the show. This story is intended for fun only and I am not making any money with it!_

**Chapter 13**

Kelly focused on his breathing until the wave of nausea passed, his eyes still fixed on the display of his phone. He took a deep breath of fresh air, coming from the nearest open window, but he was struggling to calm down, the idea of losing the man he regarded as a brother, and a little boy now occupying his entire mind…"Ahhh, damn!" He cursed quietly when Matt twisted his face in agony, without realizing he was being filmed.

A wave of adrenalin rushed into Kelly's system, causing him to lose touch with reality, everything around him except for the two faces on the screen becoming just a blur…Tightening his grip on the phone, he started moving forward in the direction of the stairs…

"Kelly - " Doctor Shaw's voice sounded from the office, Severide's brain registering the opening of the door and the words spoken, without making sense of anything.

Kelly walked out of the building without noticing the concerned glance the receptionist shot him. Making a few more steps towards the street, he looked left, then slowly turned his head right, but his Camaro was nowhere to be seen. "Damn!" Was the only word that escaped his lips when his eyes finally fell on Matt's truck parked on the street leading to the very small park. He got to the car, his attention still focused on the phone screen, and froze on his feet next to the passenger's door, his mind somehow concluding that he could not open it, that he could not go anywhere…nothing made sense anymore, nothing…he was afraid to use his phone to call Erin as the live-stream could stop, he could lose Casey…

Xxx

Erin pressed the "end call" button on her phone, muttering a curse. She slammed it on her desk, Antonio and Halstead looking up, having been watching video tapes from security cameras for the past two hours.

"No answer?" Jay asked, not really to hear the "no" his partner uttered, but to show her that she could talk to him.

"Casey's usually - "

"Relax." Antonio interjected, ignoring the very bad feeling he was having…it wasn't in Matt's style to not answer his phone for over three hours.

Their small chat was interrupted by Mouse, the new tech guy Jay had vouched for, who muttered "yes", balling his fists in excitement. "You'd wanna see this."

Voight's entire team gathered around the computer. Mouse pressed "play" and they all watched Spellman, holding Logan's unconscious body, and Hadley get into a dark blue pickup and drive away.

"I'll check the car." Ruzek volunteered.

"Put out a BOLO!" Voight barked just before Erin's phone rang. She grabbed it, believing it would be Casey, but the number was one she had not seen before.

"Lindsay." She grumbled.

"_Detective Lindsay, it's Doctor Shaw."_

"Kelly okay?" The words escaped her lips instantaneously, her gut churning, her face losing its color.

"_I was hoping you'd tell me…He got a phone call and just left, his jacket's still in my office. I was sure he was going to come back so I did not go after him, but it's been nearly five hours since he left…I rang Lieutenant Casey first, but no one answered."_

"You called Kelly?"

"_I tried."_

Erin sighed, her free hand landing on her coat…she had tried Kelly's mobile about three hours earlier, assuming that his meeting with the shrink hadn't been over yet. "Okay, thanks. I'll…I'll see what's going on."

"_Let me know."_

"Sure." She uttered before the line went dead. Ignoring all the people now staring at her, she dialed Kelly, holding her breath without realizing it…

Xxx

It was one of the first sunny days in Chicago this spring and no one found it unusual that a man, wearing only a dark green shirt, no jacket on, had been sitting on a bench in the small park for over five hours, staring at his phone motionless…But Lieutenant Kelly Severide was paralyzed with an overwhelming sense of fear and unreality, as if he was detached from the world around him, not able to think, to stand up and go anywhere, to look sideways as he could not know when the live video would stop, when Casey and Logan would disappear from the screen. He had already seen Spellman untie Logan, bring him a burger, coke, water…He had seen Casey struggle to move and shift his position, unsuccessfully, but he was alive, it's all that mattered now.

Kelly's phone jumped up and down on his lifeless hand, almost falling down, Erin's name appearing on the screen, on top of Logan's and Matt's faces. _"Erin…PD."_ His brain finally put two and two together. Against his own better judgement, he took the call, opening his mouth to say something, anything, but no words escaped his dried throat.

"_Kelly!...You there?" _Lindsay's petrified voices sounded in his ears, her voice making him focus.

"I'm…I'm here." He uttered, not sure if his voice was loud enough for her to hear.

"_Kelly what's going on? Where's Casey?" _

He shot a glance at the screen to check that Matt was still there. "He's…they have him. They have him!"

"_What?...Where are you?"_

Kelly looked around, his eyes darting between the tall building not far from where he was, the street and Matt's truck, and the park area surrounding him. "The park…near Shaw's office." He managed to explain, hearing Lindsay bark at Antonio to get the car and meet her outside.

"_Kelly, stay there! I'm on my way!"_

"Yeah."

"_Hey, keep talking! You gotta calm down and tell me where Matt is!" _She was trying to keep the line open. Hearing his voice over the phone meant he was okay, because, yeah, Erin Lindsay was also scared now.

But Kelly could not say a word more….He had to watch, powerless to do anything, as Spellman walked closer to Casey with a glass of something, Severide praying it was just water. Squad Lieutenant ended the call just before Spellman grabbed hold of Matt's blond hair and pulled his head back, Casey trying to fight the strong grip with whatever energy he had left. Spellman turned Matt's head in the direction of the camera, a smile dancing on his face, then released his grip. A second later he used his right hand to lift Casey's jaw, squeezing it so hard that his lips opened, and slowly poured the clear liquid into Matt's mouth…

He had no idea how much time had gone by since he had ended Lindsay's call when her husky voice, coming from the distance, snapped him out of his trans. "Kelly!" She kept yelling, her eyes finally landing on the motionless figure of her fireman.

"Damn, Severide!" Antonio imprecated, getting at his side first, Erin joining them seconds later. While Lindsay was just staring at the man she loved, trying to figure out what was wrong, Dawson took his jacket off and covered Kelly's slightly trembling frame, glancing at the phone in the lieutenant's hand…

"Hadley has Casey." Kelly finally spoke, the warmth, the familiar faces, her gentle touch bringing him back to reality, making him aware that he had already wasted almost six hours, time they could have used to find Truck's Lieutenant.

"Look." Antonio's eyes pointed the screen. She expected to see many things, but a crying child and Matt struggling to free his hands were not among them.

What happened next horrified them even further. The images of the people disappeared, replaced by five words_…"Can you save them both?"_…The display went blank, the man watching them from a safe distance deciding that Kelly had seen enough.

Kelly jumped on his feet bewildered, angry even, mad that CPD's appearance had caused the live video to be turned off. Not letting out anything more than a snort, he lifted his right hand up, but Erin grabbed it and took the phone away before he could smash it on the ground. "Evidence." She told him firmly, not sure if his mind was making sense of her words.

"I…I need to go back to the apartment." He mumbled as millions of thoughts and ideas, all of which included Hadley's dead body and Spellman's funeral, rushed into his head. "Need my car."

"Okay." Lindsay replied, covering him with Antonio's jacket that had fallen on the bench when he had gotten up. She could hear Dawson talking to his sister on the phone a few step away, telling her to get to the district as quickly as possible, not revealing more details…yeah, they were all heading to the district, no matter where Severide wanted to go…she wasn't letting his shivering, anxious frame out of her sight.

Xxx

"How's Logan?" Spellman demanded before Hadley even had the chance to announce his presence. Kevin didn't rush his answer. He made his way to the corner of the big room, adjacent to the one Matt was in and put down a cardboard box of brake fluid bottles next to the chlorine powder already there.

"Doing great." Hadley answered with mild sarcasms, not liking Spellman's concern for the boy. He knelt on the floor and made sure the lids of the bottles were tightly shut…he didn't want anything to ruin his perfect plan. "Can't say the same for Lieutenant Severide."

"Why?" A smile appeared on Spellman's stony face.

"Seemed broken" Kevin snickered. "His face when you cut off the live-stream…"

"Told ya he's the dead man walking!" Spellman hissed, burying his right hand into the pocket of his jacket to make sure he had some cash in there. Satisfied that he was going to have enough for a cheap vodka and dinner for the boy they had dragged into their game, he blocked Hadley's way, raising his eyebrows expectantly. "I wanna see the others join him in hell!

"Told you, tomorrow!" Kevin answered in a calm manner, making a step to the left and then continuing on his way to the dirty chair on top of which a small backpack lay. "Do your job and let me work now!" He muttered, taking a match box out of the left side pocket.

Xxx

Lindsay guided Kelly to her desk, Scott pacing around the crowded room like a lion in a cage, Gabby sitting on her brother's desk chair, the color combination of her clothes suggesting that she'd left home in a hurry. The moment she saw Kelly walk in on autopilot, his mind only party registering where he was, not having the power to protest and demand for Lindsay to take him to his place, the tears Gabby had been holding for the last twenty minutes just fell down her cheeks…Matt not being there with Severide just proved her that she had been right – something bad had happened…

Antonio was at her side instantly, crouching so he could wrap his hands around her. "Gabby…shhhh."

Voight's eyes darted between Detective Dawson and Erin, whose left hand was placed under Kelly's cheek, the right one rubbing comforting circles around his back. Seeing Lindsay so vulnerable broke Hank's heart…the monsters torturing the fireman were upsetting her…and nobody was allowed to make his girl cry…nobody was allowed to kidnap kids and firefighters, even if it was the one he didn't like that much.

"What've we got?!" His hoarse voice boomed.

"They've kidnapped Casey." Lindsay's voice was quiet, in contrast to her mentor's. She let go of Kelly when Nadia brought a glass of ice cold water and he poured the liquid into his mouth, not able to stop thinking that he'd done nothing for hours, hours that could be crucial…guilt hitting him harder than a train could…

"I saw Spellman." Severide's voice was surprisingly even. "They sent me a live-stream from where they keep Logan and Matt…saw Spellman."

"How is he?!" Scott grumbled from the behind the white board now displaying Hadley's and Spellman's photos. "You should have called me!" He moved forward in the direction of Lindsay's desk, Olinsky blocking his way, gently grabbing him by the shoulders.

"I was close to losing my daughter once! You gotta stay strong!" Olinsky whispered in his ear, only Hank hearing those words. Rice snorted and jerked his arms free, then turned around and leaned on the wall in the corner of the room.

Erin shot Kelly a glance, then grabbed his phone that she had put on her desk. "Mouse!" She barked, the tech guy not intimidated by her. "I don't care how, just trace that video!"

Jay gave his friend a look saying "don't argue", but for his surprise Mouse jumped off his seat in excitement. "The BOLO's just come back."

Gabby's head turned to look at the tech guy who had just given her hope…hope that her fiancé would be alright. She let go of her brother and Antonio jumped on his feet, stepping to the desk Mouse was using. "Gimme the address!" He grumbled, patience not something he had in that moment. It took Antonio only a quick glance at the street name to recognize it. "It's in front of fifty-one!"

"He's messing with us!" Ruzek snorted in anger, doing what everybody else was – grabbing their gear, mainly their weapons.

The commotion around him was Kelly's clue to get up and finally do something, save his friend, kill Hadley…it sounded so simple in his head – kill Hadley. End of their problems. He pushed himself upright, ready to join Voight's team, but stumbled over the desk's leg before making even a step forward, Erin's quick reflexes preventing both of them from ending on the floor.

"Whoa, cowboy!" She pushed him back on the chair. "You're not going anywhere, need to get your statement when we get back…you're the only one to have seen Spellman's face on the video." Her tone didn't leave room for negotiations…she could not let him go anywhere alone.

"Both of you," Voight looked at Rice and then at Severide. "Keep each other company. Will call you if we find anything."

Xxx

Scott and Kelly waited all night…neither of them had said a word for the seven hours they've spent in the desk area of Intelligence, Mouse too immersed in his work – tracking down the source of the live video, to talk to them. Antonio had instructed Nadia to take Gabby home and stay with her…

They were still waiting when the morning sun shone through the kitchen window and Kelly poured yet another shot of espresso in his mug, cursing quietly when he saw the time…their shift was about to start in half an hour…maybe…Second Watch was down so many people that Severide wasn't sure if Boden hadn't requested other companies for the upcoming shift…The two lieutenants were not there, one of them maybe never coming back…Kelly shook his head, trying to get the thought of losing his brother out of his mind, but it didn't want to go away…Gabby was probably taking time off as well, Herrmann not leaving Luke's bedside, Scott in the same shoes as him…

He was grateful when he finally heard Erin's voice from the desk area, Jay trying to start a conversation with Scott. Finishing his coffee, he left the mug on the counter and joined the two detectives, the rest of Voight's exhausted team being downstairs with the car. With arms folded together across the chest, he stared at Erin, desperate for news.

"The car's empty." She uttered, not missing the tears welling in Kelly's eyes, Scott punching the whiteboard, making them wince. "We've searched the entire firehouse, but it's clear, no sign of…anything!"

"Track that damn thing down already!" Kelly snapped, looking at Mouse with a scowl, the later raising his brows, the sleepless night taking its toll on him.

"You think it's that easy?!" Mouse's eyes were daring Severide to say yes, his military training kicking in. "I don't even have that video! If you'd come here when it was live - "

"Hey!" Lindsay growled, raising her index finger.

"Let's take a break." Jay urged his friend, pulling him away from the two firemen, Scott deciding to follow Halsted out for some fresh air. He was sore, angry, devastated, powerless...No, he did not blame Kelly…how could he? He knew Hadley himself, had had beers with him many times…Never in his worst nightmare had he imagined that a fellow firefighter, a brother, would do what Kevin had.

"I'll be back in two minutes and you and I are gonna talk!" Erin kept her husky voice firm. She needed Kelly to pull it together, for her, for Matt, for the little boy. "Hey…you and me, together, right?!" It was a reminder of the promise she had given him the day he had asked for help after Shay's death, the day he had tried to take his life in hands.

"Yeah." Squad's Lieutenant uttered, watching her disappear in the direction of the restroom. He was about to sink into her desk chair when his phone, now connected to the computer on Mouse's desk buzzed, the MMS sign appearing on the screen. Not thinking twice, he pressed "open", the message containing two pictures and text – Logan holding a bottle of brake fluid, the same liquid being poured on top of an unconscious Casey, a wound somewhere on his head bleeding, leaving red marks on his face, and words _– "tick tack"._ Kelly fought the new wave of panic and shock, not able to stop thinking of Matt's head injury that had almost claimed his life, his cracked skull and the beating on the head he had taken…and Logan's petrified, innocent face…Kelly disconnected the phone from the computer, threw it gently on Lindsay's desk and took off…to find his brother and kill two monsters.

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**Hey, thanks so much to those of you still reading (and reviewing), your support means a lot!**

**So, looots of angst but not much action in this chapter, but I felt like I had to show everyone's emotions…and Kelly's losing it, yeah. Where's he going now? And what's he gonna do in his desperation to save Casey and end this?**

**Erin scared, lol. She's trying hard to be right besides him and keep him out of trouble, hope you liked the Linseride in here.**

**P****lease review before you go **** Thanks!**


	14. Chapter 14

_Warning:__ The story contains spoilers for season 3, 2 and 1_

_Disclaimer:__ I do not own any of the characters or the plot of Chicago Fire and Chicago PD. I do not own the lyrics of the songs used. I do not own the text taken directly from the show. This story is intended for fun only and I am not making any money with it!_

**Chapter 14**

"Kelly, you've - " Erin's voice died out when she returned into the empty bullpen, expecting to find Kelly there. Murmuring a curse, she grabbed her mobile and dialed Voight, a part of her believing that Severide had gone downstairs where the pickup was…Hank hadn't seen the Squad Lieutenant in the past nine hours.

When she turned angrily to face her desk, her eyes fell on the cell phone laying on top of it. Scared of what she'd see, she unlocked it, nearly dropping the phone when two photos appeared on the screen…the same two photos that had pushed Severide over the edge…

When her phone rang in her pocket, she suddenly remembered to breathe, releasing the breath she had been holding for the past few seconds. Placing Kelly's phone on her desk, she took the call, expecting to hear Jay's or Voight's voices…

"What?!" She snapped, too worried to care how loud or rude her voice sounded.

"_Detective Lindsay, it's Doctor Shaw again."_

Erin sighed, dealing with the shrink being the least of her problems, but the Doctor had a very different opinion. "Yes."

"_Did you find Lieutenant Severide? I'm worried - "_

"Yeah…here's not here right now."

"_Listen, I have a feeling something's going on. But as I've already told the Lieutenant, there's a court order and he must come and see me."_

"He will." Erin knew it was a lie…a lie to cover Kelly's ass for a bit, to give her time to end the nightmare and find the people missing.

"_I'm calling you because I wanna help him, not throw him in jail. You're the police and I know you can keep it off the books. Talk to him and get him to my office by the end of tomorrow, or I'll have to report that he vanished in the middle of our session…you know better than me what's going to happen next!"_

"Thanks." Lindsay uttered before ending the call, grateful to the Doctor for giving Kelly a chance to do the right thing, before getting the court and the police involved. What Severide did not need in that moment was a court order for his arrest…

Xxx

Without a car, it took Kelly about an hour to get to Fifty-One. He had left his keys, together with his jacket, at Doctor Shaw's office, and was not intending to ever getting back there. But he was beyond grateful that he had his wallet in his jeans' pocket. Severide had stopped by the first ATM on his way, withdrawing a part of the not so big sum of money he had left, just in case….

His next stop was the firehouse. He was hoping that Boden had requested other companies to cover their shift, but he was wrong...He let out an annoyed snort, but walked closer to the trucks, relieved there weren't people there.

Kelly stepped inside the empty kitchen, already sure that everybody was in the briefing room, and quickly made his way to the bunk area and into his small, dark office. He closed the blinds, trying to focus, realizing that could be the last time he was at the firehouse he called home.

Squad's Lieutenant opened the bottom drawer of his desk, took out all the documents and old paperwork he had crammed in there, finally getting to the set of keys underneath, the keys for his car…Shay had left the spare keys in his quarters…

Next to the keys lay his CFD badge…He moved his fingers on top of it, feeling the cold metal, and squeezed it, not releasing his grip for a few seconds…Kelly placed it carefully on top of his desk before heading for the door and toward his locker. He looked around to make sure he was alone and unlocked it, then dumped two t-shirts on the floor and uncovered a small box, containing something he had never held in his hand before…he had gotten it legally, but it was going to be used for wrong purposes…he had left the small gun in there after the incident with Vince Keeler, never intending to use it, but times had changed…Kelly reached out to grab the box, but heard footsteps, Brett's and Mills' voices sounding from the hallway.

"Damn!" He muttered, covering the box with his uniform and leaving it inside. He slammed the door shut, not having time to lock it and headed for the exit, making it all the way to the back door, but his way was blocked by a man with a serious expression on his face.

"What are you doing, Severide?" Boden barked, his concern growing after he took a good look at his Lieutenant, sure he was up to something.

Kelly's face twisted in a grimace and he took a step backward in an attempt to escape Chief's scrutinizing look. "Came to get something." In his desperation to not waste any more time, he tried shoving past Boden, but Chief stopped him again, staring at those tormented, glassy blue eyes.

"What?"

"Personal business, Chief."

"Kelly - " Chief reached out to rest his hand on Severide's shoulder, but the Lieutenant took another step backward, avoiding the touch. Boden gritted his teeth. "I know how you feel right now, but - "

"With all due respect Chief, you don't!...And I hope you never do!"

Boden snorted, shaking his head. "Come on, let's go to my office." Chief pleaded with a soft whisper, his Lieutenant's behavior frightening the older man. "Detective Lindsay mentioned you were staying with her - "

"I can't just sit and watch!"

"It's the best we can do right now!"

"We'll see…"

Chief reached out again, this time grabbing Kelly's arm with the intention of pulling him back inside the firehouse and calling Erin to check what was going on. He didn't expect for the Lieutenant to fight the strong grip, like a restrained animal. Severide's weak, tired body did not have the energy to win and he stopped protesting, looking at Chief with pleading eyes, eyes begging him to let him go and find his brother…

Boden was ready to rip someone apart when the overhead alarm sounded, calling the entire firehouse to a multiple-vehicle collision. He had no other choice, but to let Kelly go, spending the next five second staring at the figure of the Lieutenant who headed down the street…Chief ran to his car, pulling out his phone and called Lindsay, hoping that she'd be able to find Kelly and stop him.

Xxx

Hadley walked into the apartment they were holding Logan at, Spellman having just started his second glass of vodka for the day, his body resting on the expensive couch. He put the glass down and glanced at Kevin, brows arched.

"Done?" Spellman growled, not able to stop himself from grabbing the vodka and taking another sip. Hadley did not respond. Instead, he stepped closer to the coffee table and hit the bottle with his open palm, Spellman watching in distress as it rolled under the couch.

"Need you sober!" Kevin hissed, turning to look at Spellman. "Get your ass off the couch!"

Spellman was many things, but stupid wasn't one of them. He could tell when Hadley was pissed off, and frankly said, he was afraid of the ex-Squad member…not for his own life, but because Kevin knew where to find his daughters…and had threatened to go after them if anything went wrong with his perfect plan…

Spellman got up, staring at Hadley. "Logan's petrified."

"Good…his face is what Severide and his dad would see in the end."

"C'mon…he's a kid!"

"Just like your kids, right?!" Kevin snarled before glancing at his watch.

Spellman cursed silently, not daring to say anything out loudly.

"Officer Finch said Severide's stormed out the district pretty desperate after the last pictures I sent him." A smug appeared on Hadley's face, a smug showing how proud he was with himself and his idea. "I know him well…he's gonna try to save his buddy."

"He might check the building - "

"Yes…it's gonna click eventually."

"So?"

"So when Fifty-One returns from the scene they are at right now, officer Finch's gonna call me…you know what to do here. Then I'm gonna take care of Casey…when they arrive here, I'm gonna set the building on fire…I've got the cameras ready…a lot of firefighters are gonna die today."

"And Severide?"

"I hope he lives…want him to see the destruction…feel the pain. He'll beg us to stop and take his life…"

Xxx

Casey fought the invisible demons holding him into the darkness, finally winning the battle and opening his eyes, the simple action sending an enormous amount of pain through his entire body, his head as if ready to explode. His eyelids felt heavy, too heavy for his exhausted body, and he let them drop…he had no idea how long he had been there, how long he had been out, minutes, hours, days…

Every breath hurt, but Matt tried to focus, his lungs getting some of the air needed…his skin was burning from the brake fluid that had been poured on him, something he did not remember clearly…but when the strong smell of chlorine powder hit him, he forced his eyes open once again, this time taking a good look at the room and his surroundings…he knew the place…the same place where he had watched a friend die…the same building that had taken Shay's life and changed theirs forever…his throat was so dry and sore that he could not even curse…It wasn't until he tried to move his hands, tied behind his back and around a pipe, that he felt that something was attached to the thick rope…

"It's brake fluid." A voice sounded from the entrance of the room and Hadley stepped in, experiencing the joy from seeing Matt so weak, so broken. "You keep moving, we both burn to death."

Casey froze, finally realizing that it wasn't water on his hair and clothes, but the liquid that combined with Chlorine powder could produce deadly gas and result in a fire…and there was plenty of both compounds needed to blow the place up.

"W…why?" Matt managed to ask weakly…he felt as if some on the brake fluid had made into his mouth, and he wasn't wrong.

"It's fun." Kevin shrugged his shoulder. "You see, there are three different ropes around you, tied together…each one's holding a bottle upright…you pull the wrong one in the wrong moment and boom."

Casey opened his mouth and closed it almost immediately, choking on the words that didn't make it out…he was coughing violently, trying not to move, trusting Hadley to be telling the truth…the place was a trap and his movements could blow it up.

"When your friends come to save you, they'd have to free you. First, they'd have to fight some fires, second, they'd have to untie you without letting a drop of the brake fluid touch the small pile of chlorine behind you…or you all die."

Kevin's smile spread across his entire face and he switched the camera he was holding on. "Say hello to Lieutenant Severide…I promise you he'll get the chance to see it."

Xxx

Kelly watched impatiently as Lindsay got into her car and drove away, having been to Casey's apartment in search of Severide…no, that was his battle…he was determined to end it, without dragging anybody else into it…he couldn't ruin her life, too, she meant too much to him.

When Erin made a turn and disappeared behind the corner, Squad's Lieutenant walked to his car, used the spare key he had gotten from the firehouse and headed in the direction of Spellman's house…PD had searched the house before Hadley's trial, looking for evidence…it was different now…Kelly didn't need evidence…he needed to know where to find his friend.

Severide drove to the house on autopilot, his mind not being there, the last images of Matt and Logan he had seen flashing before his eyes. He pulled over a couple of blocks away from the house, not wanting his car to attract attention, just in case PD or Spellman showed up. He opened the trunk, grabbed a halligan and walked to the back of the house. Kelly tried the door, but it was locked, so he did the only sensible thing – broke the kitchen window and climbed through it.

He moved to the living room, his eyes darting between the four walls, stopping at a familiar hat, laying on top of a rucksack…Hadley's…he had seen them so many times. Severide knelt on the floor, the smell of alcohol coming from the couch making him sick, and unzipped the rucksack…

"Son of a bitch!" He muttered, his hand landing on a bunch of photos of Casey's old apartment, the one he had once been sharing with Hallie. Digging inside, he found papers containing information about the people currently living there and their trip to Europe…an apartment…they were holding Logan in a damn apartment. In his desperation to find anything that would point out to Matt, Kelly emptied the entire rucksack, but found only clothes.

Battling his inner demons and fears, he left, getting into his car, the drive to the apartment building where Casey had used to live taking him only ten minutes…he was grateful he knew that area of the city well as his mind was anywhere but in the car…

Kelly grabbed the halligan and ran into the building, climbed the stairs and knocked on the door twice.

"You forgot some - " Spellman's voice died out when he came face to face with the Squad's Lieutenant. The ex-firefighter tried pushing the door closed, Kelly using his right leg to stop it. Severide walked inside, Spellman making a couple of steps backward, too stunned to hide how surprised he was…Hadley's plan had just gone to hell.

"Where are they?" Kelly growled, the rush of adrenalin making him unable to focus on anything else but the face he hated so much, his eyes not spotting the chlorine powder on the floor and the opened bottles of brake fluid on the table behind Spellman.

"You talking about Casey?" Spellman grinned, taking another step back until the back of his knee came in contact with the coffee table.

"WHERE?" Kelly yelled, closing the distance between him and the ex-firefighter. He opened his mouth to ask the same thing one more time, but a child's cry caught his attention. He recognized Logan's terrified voice, begging for help, coming from the master bedroom.

"It's a shame the boy has to suffer because of you." Spellman offered a sarcastic head shake, his eyes daring Kelly to use the halligan.

"WHERE'S CASEY?" Severide yelled, spitting on the other man's face.

Spellman wasn't intimidated…no, he was simply enjoying the moment. "Sent him on a trip…to visit Shay."

The next thing Spellman felt was a heavy body landing on top of his, both men ending on the coffee table, knocking the bottles of brake fluid over. The poisonous gas produced from mixing chlorine with the liquid reached Kelly's throat and lungs in seconds, breathing becoming extremely painful for both men. Ignoring the irritation in his eyes, Severide lifted the hand holding the halligan, but Spellman pushed him off, grabbing his hand and gaining control over the tool. Severide relied on his back's muscles to lift the upper part of his body with the intention of using his head to hit Spellman's, but the later was quicker, elbowing the Squad's Lieutenant just above his left temple. The pain was too strong for Kelly to keep control over his body and the back of his head connected with the floor, Spellman sitting on top of him. Kelly could feel the heat produced from the chemical reaction, could hear the flames moving all the way to the walls, starting to consume the room, but he tried to focus his attention on the man holding him down…Logan's pleading voice getting louder, the boy now frantically calling out his dad.

"Say hello to your friends in hell, Lieutenant!" Spellman hissed, using his free hand to grab the bottle of vodka Hadley had taken away from him earlier and rendered Kelly unconscious…the poisonous gas was going to finish the job…

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**Thank you all for reading, and thanks sooo much for reviewing to those of you I cannot pm, your support means a lot! **

**Sorry for not having much dialogue in this chapter, I promise the next one's gonna be better. But right now Kelly's alone out there, hope you liked the angst and his determination to bring Casey back, no matter what, without putting Erin's life and career in danger…I can't promise Erin's safe though *sigh***

**Also, did you like concerned Chief and hurt Matt? Would love to hear your opinion so p****lease review before you go **** Thanks!**


	15. Chapter 15

_Warning:__ The story contains spoilers for season 3, 2 and 1_

_Disclaimer:__ I do not own any of the characters or the plot of Chicago Fire and Chicago PD. I do not own the lyrics of the songs used. I do not own the text taken directly from the show. This story is intended for fun only and I am not making any money with it!_

**Chapter 15**

"Casey's dead, your turn!" Spellman bellowed as if the unconscious Kelly could hear him...The ex-firefighter delivered one final kick in Severide's ribs and rushed in the direction of the master bedroom. Through his own and Logan's violent wheezing, he could hear the child's cries…he was a monster, but no, he could not let a kid die in such a painful way…he was too young, too innocent, just like his daughters. No…killing members of the firehouse that had ruined his life was one thing, but not Logan, no matter what Hadley had ordered him to do.

"It's okay…it's gonna be okay." Spellman whispered, Logan's wide, petrified eyes staring at him, begging him for mercy. The ex-firefighter was feeling the effect of the chlorine gas on his body, but he ignored the burning sensation in his eyes, knelt on the floor and untied Logan's small wrists, grabbing the child in his arms, using one hand to rub circles around his back. Logan pressed his eyes shut, not sure if the man was gonna save him, or let him die next to the fireman lying already half dead on the floor in the living room.

Xxx

"Over there!" Lindsay slammed on the brakes, nearly getting hit by the car behind them. She ignored all the swearing coming from the other driver and pointed Kelly's car, Halstead's eyes moving from his partner, to the vehicle and back. After her visit at Matt's apartment and Boden's call, she had placed a GPS tracker on the underside of the Camaro, realizing thirty minutes later that it hadn't been configured properly. It had taken Mouse nearly an hour to fix it, but he had finally called the Detective to let her know that the car had moved to an address that meant nothing to her.

"Look." Jay's index finger pointed one of the windows of the apartment building on the street, thick yellowish smoke escaping through the small openings on the side. Before Lindsay could open her mouth, the fire alarm sounded, followed by a mother and two children bursting through the fire escape.

Instinctively, Erin placed her hand on her gun, making sure it was there and opened door, Halsted reaching out to stop her.

"Jay…"

"We gotta wait for back-up!"

"You stay here!" Lindsay growled, the stern expression on her face telling her partner she would not listen. "Call 911, get Voight here!"

Xxx

"No no no." Spellman mumbled when the fire alarm sounded in the whole building, footsteps coming from the floors above and below him. He peered through the window in the hallway, cursing when his eyes fell on Halstead, who was already guiding people out.

"Sir, you okay?" A middle-aged woman asked in concern, having just left her apartment and stumbled across a man looking too desperate and angry…With the corner of her eyes she could see Logan gasp for breath.

"Sir, you need to get out, now!"

Spellman shot her a glance, an idea striking him. "Take him." He murmured, turning around so she could take Logan from his arms. She hesitated for a few seconds, but grabbed the child, Logan wrapping his arms around her neck. "Go." Spellman instructed and she headed down the stairs. He waited for a few seconds before putting the hood of his sweatshirt up and following a family of four in the same direction…

He made it to the first floor's staircase when he caught a glimpse of Erin talking to a frightened woman between the ground and the first floor. Just after Lindsay instructed the single mother to run outside and wait for the fire department, Spellman sneaked behind the Detective and used one elbow to deliver a punch behind her temple, knocking her down…

Xxx

"Clarke, take Capp and check the apartment! Tony, Mills, start from the top floor. Truck, vent the roof and do the prim - " Boden was cut off by an explosion on the third floor, clouds of smoke escaping through the broken windows.

"You smell that?" Jeff Clarke looked at Chief and then at Truck 81's temporary Lieutenant.

"Chlorine." Lieutenant Mitchel stated, masking up.

"GO!" Boden's voice boomed. He turned to look at two CPD officers standing behind him. "Clear the area!" But just when his men rushed inside the building, Scott yelled for a paramedic and ran in the direction of a woman…a woman carrying the motionless frame of Logan…

"Detective Lindsay's down!" Mills radioed a long minute later, the tension building further, especially for her team now standing next to Boden and staring at the chaos their arsonist had created. "She has pulse, Chief! We're coming out now!" Peter added and Voight stepped closer to the exit, instructing his team to start looking for any trace of Spellman or Hadley.

"Door's locked." Clarke shouted, stepping aside so Capp could pry it open. "We're in!"

"Severide!" The Squad members yelled, then once more, but no reply came.

"Do we have a vent?" Another voice sounded through the radio.

"Negative!"

"Top floor's clear!" Cruz yelled.

"Roof's gonna collapse!" Otis shouted not able to mask the agitation in his voice.

"Watch out!" Someone shouted.

"Cruz!" Otis yelled again, horrified. "Chief, the stairs are gone. We're trapped!"

"Move that ladder!" Boden barked to whoever was outside with him. "I'm coming!"

Jeff crouched and moved forward through the tick poisonous smoke, his gloved hands landing on random objects in the living room, Capp doing the same but going in the opposite direction…everything was happening too fast…the fire spreading too quickly.

"Severide!" Capp yelled when he finally stumbled across the body of his friend.

"Crap!" Clarke jumped on Kelly's legs, fighting the flames eating his jeans and skin, Capp checking for a pulse, desperation on his face. He let out the breath he had been holding when Jeff cut off the oxygen fuelling the flames. "C'mon buddy!"

"Chief, we're coming out now!" Capp grabbed Kelly under the armpits, Clarke carefully holding his legs and leading the way out.

They had barely made it out of the apartment when Capp felt Kelly's unconscious frame convulse, Severide trying to twist his torso, carrying him out getting twice as hard. They didn't have time to stop…just two more floors down. "C'mon Severide!"

"He's gonna throw up!" The moment Clarke gave the warning, Kelly twisted the upper part of his body, his mouth opening.

Capp acted instinctively and used one hand to turn Kelly's head around, trusting Clarke to support Severide's weight, so that Kelly would not choke when the content of his stomach flew out of his mouth.

Chief was listening to his men's every word. He moved closer to the exit, meeting them at the bottom on the stairwell to help the two Squad members place Kelly on the awaiting gurney. He could not do anything else…Boden joined the rest of the men watching helplessly as the two paramedics struggled to stabilize Squad's Lieutenant…it was hard to focus, for all of them. They could hear the paramedics mention obstructed upper airways, bronchospasm, their failed attempt to intubate…and the second successful one. When the ambulance took off, Jeff locked eyes with Boden, as if to remind him of the deal they had – Clarke had agreed to be a temporary Lieutenant, keep Kelly's job safe for whenever he was ready to return…he was going to make it…he had to…right?

Xxx

The last thing Casey saw before a massive piece of the ceiling collapsed on the camera videotaping the events in the building he had used to call home was Capp and Clarke pulling Kelly's lifeless body away…When it all went blank, Matt pressed his eyes shut, getting closer to losing his own strength and willpower…his mind couldn't process all of it, he just couldn't believe it…Kelly couldn't be dead, not his friend, not the indestructible Kelly Severide…Casey was thirsty, but he wasn't going to beg for water…yet. The strong smell of chlorine and the brake fluid on his skin were making him sick, Hadley sensing how weak his pray was.

"Game over." The corners of Kevin's mouth twisted in a sick smile. "I wanted my face to be the last thing Severide sees, but I can't have it all, right?"

"He's…not…" Matt's voice trailed off, talking hurting his sore throat too much, making breathing extremely hard.

"If not yet, he'll be soon…You saw him, Lieutenant, you can imagine the concentration of that chlorine gas in the unventilated room, he was lying there for what…five-ten minutes? His body was on fire, the blow to the head. You know him, you know he blames himself for everything, and it's his fault… you think he's even gonna fight?"

Matt listened carefully to every word of Hadley's speech…and his heart tightened. What if his friend just gave up, escaped their word, followed Shay? Did Kelly even have a reason to fight anymore?

"Don't worry, you're next." Kevin shrugged his shoulders innocently, the evil grin spreading across his face. He squeezed the water bottle he was holding and poured some of the liquid into his mouth, looking down at Casey's figure.

"I think - " Matt coughed, taking a few seconds to catch his breath, then swallowed before looking at Hadley again. "that Spellman…ruined your…plan. Don't think…they'll let him…get…away now."

"A damn traitor!" The expression on Kevin's face suddenly changed, betraying his anger and disappointment. "But he served his purpose well…now I gotta make sure he keeps his mouth shut…he's gonna suffer."

Xxx

An hour had passed before the rest of Fifty-one made their way to the emergency room, Boden leaving other firehouses in charge to putt off the fire and deal with the poisonous gas.

"She lost consciousness so I want to keep her overnight, as a precaution, but I believe she is going to be just fine." The firemen walked into the waiting area just as a female doctor updated Voight on Erin's condition. The detectives around relaxed, Jay leaning on the back of the chair, Antonio smiling at his little sister who had joined them ten minutes earlier. Otis and Cruz were sitting next to each other, Joe having been transported to Chicago Med after the stairwell collapse, but he was fine.

"What about my men?" Chief barked from behind the Doctor, startling her. She turned around, staring at him in confusion.

"Sir, I'm sure someone is going to update you soon. Why don't you sit – "

"I can't wait!" Boden snapped, the Doctor not intimidated at all. Voight made a step forward, resting his palm on Chief's shoulder and looking at her apologetically.

"Lieutenant Kelly Severide and Logan Rice…victims of two monsters." Hank spoke, clenching his fist tight at the thought of Spellman escaping from the building, unharmed.

The doctor sighed, taking another look at the people there…covered in dust, sweaty, they were all one family, serving to protect the city, a family she and all the hospital personnel belonged to. "I'll see what I can do. But you need to sit down and let us to do our job."

Boden nodded, collapsing on the nearest available chair.

Hank turned to look at his team. "We've got a fireman to find and justice to serve!" He kept his hoarse voice low, out of respect for the people in the waiting area. "I'm gonna check on Lindsay and meet you at the District!"

Xxx

Twenty-five long minutes went by with no update on Kelly's condition or Logan before Voight returned into the waiting room, informing Boden that Lindsay had wanted to leave, but had agreed to stay after hearing everything about Severide. Hank asked Chief to look after his girl and left, to serve justice, his type of justice.

Another ten minutes later Herrmann rushed into the room, terrified, fixing his eyes on Boden. "Any news?"

Chief grimaced, the answer going without saying. He wasn't sure if his friend was asking about Severide, or Casey, or both, but it was a "no". Otis buried his face in his hands, leaning forward, Mills pressing his eyes shut, Capp and Clarke remaining silent and motionless.

"Saw Rice in the pediatrics ward." Christopher spoke with a hint of hope in his voice. "Said Logan's scared, but he's gonna be fine. The chlorine didn't do any damage…apparently Spellman's been taking good care of him." He snorted, biting his lips to stop himself from saying how ironic it was that the same ex-fireman had allowed for Luke to get injured, but had suddenly decided to not harm another kid. He was grateful to God Luke was awake and responsive, the rest of his family living in Mouche's house, but Christopher could never forget what those monsters had done to Luke.

"Good." Brett uttered, nobody daring to say another word.

They sat in silence for another twenty minutes, Boden using five of them to call Benny Severide, until a different doctor appeared, asking for family of Kelly Severide.

"Leslie Shay?" Doctor Andreas moved his eyes from Brett to Dawson.

"She..."

"Died last year." Herrmann finished Brett's sentence, his heart sinking, no matter it had been nearly a year.

"She's listed as Kelly Severide's next of kin."

Boden snorted, of course Kelly hadn't bothered changing his emergency contact…not that he'd had time to do it after he had finally come in terms with losing his best friend. "I'm his Chief!"

Doctor Andreas paused to look at each and every member of the family, the concern on their faces, the desperation…"He's stable for now…But his condition remains critical. He's had two mild head-traumas in the past few months and the blow to the head he's suffered now has caused an epidural hematoma. We've managed to reduce the pressure, but I can't make any prognosis yet. The chlorine gas exposure's led to a severe respiratory arrest, a perforation in the uppermost part of the oesophagus - "

"English!" Chief growled, regretting his harsh tone when Mouch shot him a glance, begging him to calm down.

"His airways are scarred and severely swollen. We've put him on a ventilator, meds to treat the bronchospasm, antibiotics, diuretics, but right now I have no idea how much his lungs are compromised. Two cracked ribs, second degree burns on his legs and first degree on his abdomen and back, but they are under control. If he survives -"

"If?" Cruz looked at the doctor in shock, voicing out everybody's fears. "He's going to pull through, right?"

"Look, these injuries are life-threatening on their own, not to mention in combination. The chances for a full recovery are about fifteen percent, forty that he'll have a relatively normal life, desk job - "

"He's a firefighter!" Lindsay's voice boomed from the entrance of the waiting room. She stepped forward, dressed in a hospital grown, a bruise where her left cheek had connected with the edge of the stairwell.

"I'm sorry…Does he have any close relatives around – parents, siblings? In case any decisions need to be made."

"His father's on his way." Mouch didn't like the question, but it was the Doctor's job to ask.

"I want to see him." Boden barked, needing to make sure his man was really alive and fighting. Because he couldn't do that for Casey…he could only prey.

"He's heavily sedated and I intend to keep him in a medically induced coma until – "

"Doc…" Herrmann uttered, blinking once in an attempt to mask the tears welling up in his eyes.

Doctor Andreas sighed, pausing for a second, and nodded.

Xxx

Lindsay pushed the door of the ICU room opened, letting Boden in first, scarred of what they might see inside.

"Kelly…" She uttered, taking a few more steps in the direction of the bed, wrapping her fingers around his hand. That wasn't her Kelly…wasn't the big, strong fireman she knew…it was a man paler than a ghost, bandages wrapped around his head, a tube in his throat, a machine breathing for him, thinner tubes and lines stuck in his veins, electrodes attached to his chest…it wasn't like he was sleeping…it was as if he was dead, only the beeping of the machines and the readings displayed hinted his heart was still working, his brain was still functioning. "Why…why did you have to go alone?!" She wanted to be mad, to yell at him, but she couldn't…

Boden rested his palm on the bed, afraid he would cause Kelly more pain if he touched his burned legs. "You've still got your spot on Squad, Severide..." With the corner of his eyes he saw the Detective rest her head on Kelly's arm, her hands touching his cheek, not giving a damn if it was a sign of weakness. Chief squeezed his Lieutenant's hand, hoping to feel it moving, twitching, but it remained still as a cold stone. "The house needs you…Casey would need you…just keep fighting. Can't lose any more people."

Boden rubbed his eyes with his free hand, preparing to leave and give Erin some more time with the man she loved like no one else in her life.

"Kelly!" There was panic in her voice. Lindsay jumped on her feet, Chief turning around to see Kelly's body convulsing, alarms going off. Two nurses rushed in, one of them asking them to leave, but they could not move. Doctor Andreas ran into the room, another nurse guiding them to the door…

"Oxygen levels and heart rate are dropping!" A male nurse shouted.

"Damn it! He's going into acute respiratory distress! Lungs must be filling up with fluid - "

Xxx

"What the hell?!" Sergeant Platt could not believe her eyes when a man, whose photo was hanging on her desk, walked into her District. Burgess put the car keys she had just been given in her pocket and drew her gun, Roman and three other officers doing the same.

"He's…got my daughters." Spellman uttered, getting his hands in defensive position in front of him.

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**Thank you all for reading, and thanks sooo much for reviewing to those of you I cannot pm. **

**I promised you hurt Kelly and here it is, he's not walking away with just scratches…now would he find strength and willpower to fight? Especially if he thinks Casey's dead…and yep, hurt Matt as well, and he's about to give up…damn you Hadley! But Logan's safe, who would have guessed Spellman's not entirely heartless…**

**A bit more Boden in this chapter, felt as if it was time for him to step up and be there for Kelly when Casey's unable and Benny's far away. Did you like it? And some Clarke, too.**

**Who's looking forward to some Voight/Spellman time?**

**Would love to hear your opinion so p****lease review before you go **** Thanks!**


	16. Chapter 16

_Warning:__ The story contains spoilers for season 3, 2 and 1_

_Disclaimer:__ I do not own any of the characters or the plot of Chicago Fire and Chicago PD. I do not own the lyrics of the songs used. I do not own the text taken directly from the show. This story is intended for fun only and I am not making any money with it!_

**Chapter 16**

By the time Platt unlocked Intelligence's holding cells and Burgess handcuffed Spellman to the metal bench, his nose was already bleeding heavily, Platt and Roman being responsible for the two "accidents" resulting in a broken nose.

"HELP THEM!" Spellman shouted when Burgess walked out of the cell. He wiped the blood on the back of his hand, not taking his eye off them. "YOU HAVE FIND THEM!"

"I don't have to do anything for you!" Platt hissed, stepping aside so Voight, Olinsky and Antonio could get into the cell, Hank extending his arm and grabbing Spellman's shirt's collar, the two women taking it as a sign that their presence was no longer needed.

"Lieutenant Casey!" Voight barked, coming face-to-face with Spellman.

"I want a deal first!"

"START TALKING!" Antonio's voice boomed. He gritted his teeth, grabbing the ex-fireman's chin and squeezing it tightly in the same manner Spellman had done with Matt's. The ex-firefighter couldn't even cry in pain, instead using his free hand to grab the Detective's arm in an attempt to free himself. Olinsky rested his palm on Antonio's hand, making him release his grip.

"Tell me – "

Hank was done playing games. Not with that monster, not when they were running out of time. He grabbed hold of Spellman's hair and smashed his head against the wall, not hard enough to render him unconscious, Spellman letting a silent cry. "I'm gonna count to three, and if I don't get answers, I'm gonna let you live just long enough to attend your kid's funeral!"

"Promise me you'll save them!" Spellman uttered, not daring to break eye contact with Voight.

"Two!" Olinsky spoke instead of his boss.

"You talk – they grow up happy and maybe remember you once in a while. You don't – they suffer as much as the people you've hurt before they die! You think they'll beg Hadley for mercy?" Antonio bellowed.

"One!"...

Voight balled up his fists, muttering a curse when his phone rang. He took the call, his heart tightening. "What's up?"

"_He's dying, Hank…"_ Erin sobbed…no one was allowed to make his girl cry. With the phone still pressed against his ear, his hands landed on Spellman's throat…

"Zero." Antonio snarled, having heard Lindsay's words…

Xxx

Casey's eyes snapped open, his brain screaming at him to stay still and not hurt himself any further. He looked around in confusion, forcing his brain to remember when he had been moved to the attic room of a house he had never seen before. "Ahhh!" He bellowed in frustration, sharp pain moving from his head all the way down to his toes, his skin and eyes burning, his vision blurry. Matt had no idea how long it had been, eternity being the only word coming to mind. He turned his head around slowly, his eyes falling on the unconscious frames of a CPD officer and two girls chained to a radiator on the opposite wall.

Hadley was gone, Casey not able to remember when and why Kevin had disappeared.

The image of Kelly's badly injured body was stuck in his mind, refusing to go away, the last words Hadley had uttered before delivering the blow to the head that had sent him unconscious for hours haunting Matt – "_You know him, you know he blames himself for everything, and it's his fault… you think he's even gonna fight?"_

"You…fight!" Matt managed to get those two words out of his dry, swollen throat, as if they were going to revive his friend. Because they were all he could offer…because he'd come to the end of himself…because he was going to let Hadley win the battle…

Casey bend his knee and slowly released it, in a pointless attempt to kick the camera taping his every movement, the simple action draining all the strength he had left. He turned his head and fixed his eyes on the red dot, his lips moving, trying to tell Gabby one last "Love you" before his heavy eyelids fell, his world getting darker…

Xxx

Hadley made his way to the basement Spellman's house, mixture of anger and disappointment on his face. His plan had been ruined…he wanted Kelly to see the destruction, feel the pain from losing another good friend, a brother, and a child, live with the guilt, beg him to take his life. Instead, he was going to die and never get the chance to appreciate Kevin's work…

"Can't trust anyone." Hadley muttered to himself, grabbing two bottles of the brake fluid. Yeah, he didn't trust anyone anymore. That's why the officer who had been helping them was now his prisoner, together with two of Spellman's daughters.

But he was sure Spellman had ran to PD for help…damn coward. So he could not waste any more time…he could not postpone what he had in mind, waiting to see if Kelly was going to make it, could not wait for Boden's men's next shift…At least Casey was going to burn to death. A small victory. And he was taping it, the video going straight to his computer. Just in case Kelly did make it…he was going to show it to the world.

The evil grin returned on his face and Hadley uncapped one of the bottles. "Goodbye Lieutenant."

Xxx

The tension in the hospital waiting room was so thick one could cut it with a knife…it'd been over six hours since Kelly had gone in respiratory distress, nobody able to tell whether the man they all cared so deeply about was dead or alive.

Benny Severide had arrived three hours earlier, taking a seat opposite Chief. Since then, he had been staring at Boden, millions of unspoken words crossing his mind.

"How did you let this happen, Wallace?" Benny hissed through greeted teeth, not able to keep his emotions in check anymore.

Uncovering his face, Chief used his hands to push himself upright. "You're his father!" He grumbled, his body still as a statue.

"And you're their leader! You were Hadley's leader!"

"Hey!" Herrmann jumped from his chair, but he did not have the chance to say anything else as Doctor Andreas walked in, Erin getting up off the floor, using her right hand to wipe the tears away.

"Don't - " Lindsay commanded, Brett grabbing her hand, for support, for…for her own reassurance and comfort.

"He's alive." Doctor Andreas said the words they all needed to hear, but he wasn't done yet. "Unfortunately, it got from bad to worse."

Erin sobbed silently, taking a step back. She sat on one of the chairs, Brett following her, wrapping her in a hug…no matter they had never even talked before…they were all there for Kelly Severide…it was all that mattered.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Boden barked, Benny unable to speak.

"It's called Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome, ARDS…it's what I was afraid of. In short, his lungs are filling up with fluid and can't provide enough oxygen for the rest of the body. The alveoli are damaged and his immune system's attacking his lungs - "

"So?" Otis was staring at the Doctor with arched brows, as if expecting to get a simple solution, hear a name of a pill that was going to cure his friend.

Doctor Andreas allowed himself to take a deep breath, because there wasn't an easy way to answer the question. "Forget about the percentages I mentioned earlier. I've seen people in a lot better physical shape die from multiple organ failure resulting from the oxygen stress and - "

"And I've seen him run into burning buildings to save kids and come out unharmed!" Clarke cut the Doctor off.

"I'm not giving up on him!" Andreas clarified sharply. Yeah, he wasn't one of those Doctors who could stand talking to the relatives of their patients. "We've put him on a different mode of ventilation, prone position, stronger antibiotics, corticosteroids. Just…be prepared." The Doctor moved his eyes from Clarke to Benny. "Are you his father?"

Severide Senior nodded once, swallowing the lump in his throat.

"The corticosteroids are suppressing his immune system to prevent any more lung damage. It means that there are very high chances the antibiotics won't be enough to suppress an infection due to the second degree burns on his legs. There's no way we can fight a head wound infection, or pneumonia, but the legs we can amputate and hope - "

"No." Erin mumbled, refusing to believe it was true, refusing to accept the possibly of losing her hero.

"Think about it." The Doctor added. "If it comes to that, we'd need your decision."

"I…want to stay with him." There was determination in Lindsay's husky voice…determination to not allow Kelly to leave their world.

"I fear that's impossible. Can't risk anyone transmitting an infection."

"So you're leave him alone in there?" Benny raised his voice, his eyes widening in frustration.

"There are a couple of seats outside his room…"

Erin didn't get the chance to protest, to ask if she could wear some sort of special clothes and stay with her fireman, her phone buzzing in her hand.

"_We've got an address…"_ Voight's voice could be heard by the people standing close to the detective.

Boden let out a breath, allowing his lungs to take in some oxygen before making a step toward Lindsay so Voight would hear him over the phone. "I want my man safe and sound!"

Xxx

Erin neared Kelly's ICU room, Benny having gone somewhere with a nurse to fill in paperwork, Chief staying in the waiting room, trying to convince his men to go home and get some rest. Catching a glimpse of the woman in the room adjacent to Severide's, she stopped dead in her tracks, seized with fear, head spinning, her legs not cooperating anymore. She hadn't felt so powerless and vulnerable since the day Voight had taken her under his wing…she couldn't allow the fear to control her, no. Erin forced herself to take another three steps forward, stopping in front of the window of Kelly's room…

"Kelly…" She uttered, her palm landing on the glass, spreading her fingers as if the cold glass could transmit her gentle touch to the man inside. She finally understood what the prone position the Doctor had mentioned really meant…Kelly was lying face down, his head resting on a slotted head positioner, a feeding tube going into his nose, the ventilator covering half of his face, the other half buried under the bandages, arms were bent at the elbows and padded with armboards positioned forward, a soft collar restraining him to the bed. An IV line was stuck in his arm, electrodes measuring his pulse, hear heart and blood pressure.

Her feet gave out, two strong hands grabbing her from behind and leading her to one of the chairs opposite the room. Benny hadn't noticed the hospital grown on Erin up until that point, his mind reminding him that she had suffered a blow to the head as well. He helped her sit down and rushed to the nurse's station, returning seconds later with a cup of water. Lindsay took it gratefully, the cold liquid bringing her back to reality.

"He's been a fighter since the day he was born, a preemie…the doctors gave up on him, hell, even me and his mom did…" Benny whispered, pulling Lindsay's frame in his direction and letting her cry on his shoulder. "Shay's not letting him join her yet."

Xxx

"Son of a bitch!" Voight yelled, jumping over the stair railing, landing on top of Antonio, flames already engulfing the room the door to which he had just pried open.

"What's going on?" Ruzek shouted, unable to see them, his nose detecting the smell of burning wood.

"The place's empty!" Antonio grumbled, taking Hanks hand and getting up. They were at the warehouse Shay had lost her life, now completely empty…Before leaving, Kevin had tied a few bottles of the brake fluid to the handle of the inner side of the door leading to the room Casey had been in, Voight pushing it open starting a fire which was quickly making its way to where they were standing, hunting for oxygen and human flesh.

"Let's get the hell out of here!" Hank commanded in frustration, Antonio pulling his phone to call the fire department.

The second they made it out, Voight's mobile vibrated in his pocket. "What?"

"_Hadley's in the house. Don't know if there's anyone else inside!" _There was a sense of urgency in Halstead voice. _"He's going to blow this place up!"_

"Stay put! Be there in ten!" Hank ordered, grabbing the car keys from Antonio's hand and heading for Spellman's house.

Xxx

Casey's eyes snapped open, his foggy brain concentrating on the heat wave that had just crawled under the door and the distinct smell of chlorine and freshly started fire. The moonlight was hurting his eyes, light coming through…

"_You shouldn't have put Andy through that window!"_

"Close…that window!" Matt yelled at the officer chained to the radiator beneath the window, the simple action leaving him breathless. He pressed his eyes shut, shaking the image of his dead friend off his head…damn Hadley, recreating Andy Darden's death…just for fun, for his own entertainment.

Opening his eyes once more, he watched as the man's elbow landed underneath the window handle. The officer grimaced, pulling it toward himself until it reached closed position. It was clear Kevin had been in a hurry, not having enough time to plan everything out in detail, leaving the tall officer too close to the window...

"We'll suffocate!" The officer looked at Matt in despair…he was twenty-seven, too young to die, his ill sister being dependent on him...

Matt didn't reply immediately, finding it hard to put his thoughts into words. He let his eyelids fall down once more, the desired darkness relieving a tiny bit of the headache he had "Fire…hunts…oxygen."

The officer turned his head left, then right, his eyes landing on the two girls staring at him in horror. "I didn't…didn't know they were going to go that far…needed the money…for my sister." He uttered, tears running down his face, his behavior frightening the kids further.

"Hey!" Casey murmured, grimacing when a new wave of pain hit his head and made its way to his chest. "Not - " His voice died out, his ears registered voices coming from downstairs.

Xxx

Olinsky, Halstead and Atwater could not wait any longer, smoke already coming out of the basement. Just before Jay rose his leg, bending his knee, preparing to knock the front door down, Voight arrived.

"DROP IT!" Atwater's voice sounded from the backyard. Hank granted Halstead with a firm nod, the detective's foot connecting with the door, gaining access to the inside of the property. In the mirror in the hallway, they could see Hadley standing in the kitchen, a bottle of brake fluid in one hand, a small packet of what they assumed was chlorine powder in the other, Atwater aiming his gun at Kevin's chest.

"Okay." Hadley shrugged his shoulders, smile dancing on his face even though he was mad in the inside, his plan B having just gone to hell. He released the bottle from his grip, the brake fluid reaching he floor in milliseconds…

"WATCH OUT!" Ruzek yelled from behind his friend, running forward and pushing Atwater out of the way, his sleeves catching fire that was quickly put out. Antonio grabbed the kitchen fire extinguisher, trying to deal with the flames surrounding them, but when the fire from the basement crawled up towards the open doors, he gave up and followed Voight and Olinsky, who had ran after Hadley up the stairs.

Before Casey had the chance to wrap his head around what was going on, Hadley burst into the attic room, stopping in front of the fireman and grabbing his hair, lifting the hand holding the unsealed packet of chlorine powder above Matt's head. "Seems that we both die today…"

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**Can't thank you enough for the overwhelming response to the previous chapter, makes my day when I get your comments! :) **

**So much going on, so many things I wanted to fit into this chapter, had to stop here *ooops*. What happened between Voight and Spellman after "zero" I leave to your imagination, but I'm not done punishing him yet! And now Hadley's going to taste PD's anger…**

**Casey's in a lot of trouble and all he worries about is Kelly…hope you still enjoy the broments and their angst (well more like Casey's angst right now). Am I going way too far with Erin being so weak/finding it hard to control her emotions? **

**Would love to hear your opinion so p****lease review before you go :) ****Thanks!**


	17. Chapter 17

_Warning:__ The story contains spoilers for season 3, 2 and 1_

_Disclaimer:__ I do not own any of the characters or the plot of Chicago Fire and Chicago PD. I do not own the lyrics of the songs used. I do not own the text taken directly from the show. This story is intended for fun only and I am not making any money with it!_

**Chapter 17**

_Before Casey had the chance to wrap his head around what was going on, Hadley burst into the attic room, stopping in front of the fireman and grabbing his hair, lifting the hand holding the unsealed packet of chlorine powder above Matt's head. "Seems that we both die today…"_

"You…go…hell!" Casey uttered, but as soon as the words escaped his mouth, his throat constricted, cutting the oxygen supply to his lungs.

"Casey! Hey, look at me!" Antonio instructed, getting Matt's full attention. Voight was busy aiming his gun at Hadley, the only thing stopping him from pulling the trigger was the packet of chlorine in Kevin's hands.

"FIRE'S SPREADING OUT QUICKLY!" Ruzek radioed from downstairs, his voice not revealing the full extent of the disaster.

"Help…us." The older child cried out, pulling her wheezing sister closer to herself, the younger girl barely conscious.

"You can get out of here alive!" Voight barked, his mind frantically looking for a solution. They needed one quickly, before the flames reached them, before the poisonous gas left them in the same condition Kelly was.

"Better dead than in prison - "

"No." Olinsky said in a soft whisper, trying to win them some more time to come up with a plan.

"Casey!" Voight barked when Matt's eyelids fell, covering his eyes. "Stay with us!"

Voices were coming from downstairs, the terrifying sound of burning wood too loud to allow them to make sense of the words.

"When Severide and Boden decided to ruin my life, you know what they said?" Kevin snickered, Matt putting an enormous effort to open his eyes, expecting Hadley to continue. "That's right! Because you didn't care!...They said I'm stupid." He snorted, his fingers playing with the top of the packet in his hand. Who's the stupid one now, huh?"

"She's…she's not breathing!" The CPD officer shouted, his petrified eyes pointing the younger girl. The fire was forming a barrier between Casey and the other three victims, the poisonous gas building up in the room.

"Traitors must be punished!" Hadley glanced at the officer, not touched by the tears running down the older girl's face.

Kevin got distracted, for a second…giving Matt the opportunity to deliver a kick just above the ex-fireman's knees, not powerful enough to send him on the floor. Hadley stumbled forward, a grin spreading across his face. Antonio acted instinctively and jumped on Kevin just before the packet of chlorine powder slipped out of Hadley's hands, landing inches away of Matt's right foot, Dawson falling on top of Kevin. Hadley was no match for the Detective, but he wasn't about to give up and neither Voight, nor Olinsky had a clear shot…

"CASEY!" Hank yelled, flames engulfing Matt's jeans, the fireman sluggish frame resting on the wall.

The sound of broken glass caught the attention of the detectives, Voight already by Matt's side, using his jacket to fight the flames. "Fire department! Call out!" A Squad Lieutenant commanded, standing on a ladder at the window.

"CAREFUL! Chlorine powder's everywhere!" Olinsky instructed, opting to help the innocent girls and let Antonio deal with Hadley on his own.

Hadley had nothing to lose, nothing. Using all the energy he had, he rolled over, sending Dawson into the flames. Antonio didn't let the pain and fear mess up with him. He rolled over in the opposite direction, remaining flat on his back for a few seconds to until the fire eating his jacket reached his skin. Cursing, he sat bolt upright and shed the burning piece of clothing, using his legs to kick it aside.

Kevin jumped Voight from behind, locking his arms around the Detective's neck, the sight of Matt unconscious, struggling for air, satisfying his desire for revenge.

"NO!" Antonio's voice boomed, Casey opening his eyes, the smirk on Hadley's face greeting him. Truck's Lieutenant didn't think, didn't hesitate…he lifted his right hand and grabbed Hadley's hair, Kevin hissing in pain. Dawson ran in their direction, using his hands to push Hadley directly into the flames…

Matt had no idea what had just happened, only one thought occupying his mind. "Sev..." He uttered before letting his body relax, the darkness welcoming him once again.

"OVER HERE!" Voight yelled, working to untie Matt's hands, losing the weak pulse he had felt seconds earlier…

"Stop…moving!" Antonio uttered, fighting the flames eating Hadley's flesh, the ex-firefighter's body convulsing mercilessly on the floor…

Xxx

Erin was refusing to leave the area in front of Kelly's ICU room, was refusing to even go to her hospital room, sign her discharge papers and get dressed…she had been sitting on one of the chairs for hours, numb, tear marks on her cheeks, but she wasn't crying anymore…there were no more tears left to be shed, her throat unable to let another cry out. It was a waiting game now…waiting to see whether his immune system would have mercy on his lungs, whether his organs would get enough oxygen to function properly, whether his brain would recover, whether a simple infection would end the war and pull him out of his misery.

"You want to do it now?" A nurse, Anna, emerged from Kelly's room, having just connected something to his feeding tube. She was one of the handful of people allowed to go in, following a list of procedures longer than the Bible, to assure the room remained sterile.

Erin nodded, slowly getting up. Anna handed her a device resembling a tiny microphone, wirelessly connected to the intercom in the room. Lindsay stepped closer to the window, focusing her eyes on Kelly's buried under tubes and bandages face…

"Hey…hero…" Her voice broke, the small device jumping up and down in her shaky hands. "I'm here…right here with you." She sobbed, cursing herself for lying, for not being inside the room with him, for not being able to hold his hand or touch his cheeks. "You're…you're not going to leave me, you hear me, Kelly! You can't leave me now, or I swear, I'll follow you wherever you go…You're…you're stronger than this…and I need you here with me…" She wanted to say a lot more, deep down hoping to get a response…and it killed her when nothing happened. She desperately needed to touch him, feel the warmth of his body, make sure he was alive and the machines taking his vitals weren't lying…because a man who was alive would have responded to her pleads…

A gentle squeeze on the arm startled her, pulling her out of the prison of her own mind. She lifted her eyes to see Benny, now staring at his son. "It's over." Severide Senior uttered, unsure how loud his voice actually was, hoping that both the Detective and Kelly could hear him. "They've found Matt- "

"You hear this, Kell?" Erin asked firmly, aware she had no idea how bad Casey was. "Casey's going to be okay. You have to be okay, too!"

"They are on their way to the ER." Benny added, trying to keep his emotions at bay.

"How's - "

Benny shook his head, pressing the end of call button on the device in Erin's hands before turning to look at her. "Wallace said three ambulances are heading here, two critical patients…"

It went without saying that one of the critical patients was Casey, none of them voicing it, afraid Kelly would hear it through the walls.

Three ambulances meant a lot of people hurt. And the thought that one of them could be a member of Intelligence was just as frightening. As much as Lindsay wanted to stay with Kelly, she had to make sure her team was safe…so she followed Benny to the elevators, joining the rest of Fifty-One at the entrance of the hospital…

"They've lost one of the critical…" One of the nurses awaiting the ambulances informed the doctor behind her, keeping her voice down not a priority for her.

"No…" Gabby mumbled, Chief providing her with a shoulder to cry on…

Xxx

"_C'mon, Matt…I need you…Kelly needs you!" _

Casey heard a familiar voice, his brain slowly making sense of the words…was it Gabby speaking? But had he just seen Hallie…and Shay? Something about Kelly…why was his head hurting so much?!

"Doing well." It was a gruff male voice…what was he talking about?!

Matt concentrated all the energy he had into lifting his eyelids, but a brief second later they dropped back down. He tried again…and again, giving up after the fourth time. He could feel his heart pounding in his chest, a soft female hand squeezing his…what was wrong?!

"Don't do this to me, Matt!"

He wanted to wrap his fingers around Dawson's, but the sudden numbness in his limbs frightened him further. "_Guess we both die today"_ Hadley's face flashed in front of his eyes, forcing him to finally open his eyes and look around in confusion.

"Good to have you back." The corners of Chief's mouth lifted to form a smile that vanished instantaneous, Gabby wiping the tears in her eyes away.

Casey couldn't think of anything else but the dull pain in his head and the burning sensation in his eyes. He tried lifting his hand to rub them, getting frustrated when his upper limbs didn't cooperate.

"Wha…t's - " Truck's Lieutenant uttered weakly, the other half of the sentence getting stuck in his sore throat.

"Hadley?" Boden shot his Lieutenant a concerned glance, unsure what to begin with.

Matt remained still for a few seconds as memories rushed in his head…Spellman, Kevin kidnapping him…He didn't trust his body to cope with a node, but he managed to move his head up and down, regretting it when a wave of nausea hit him.

"Stay still." Gabby whispered in his ear, gently moving her fingers through his greasy hair.

"Burned…"

"He's dead." Gabby didn't hide the joy in her voice. It was a small victory in a war with too many casualties…

"It's been three days." Chief rubbed his eyes involuntary, his actions proving how tired he was. "They had to sedate you, but managed to…prevent the worse." Boden bit his lips to stop himself from adding that Matt could have developed the same syndrome that was slowly killing his best friend, caught between life and dead in the adjacent ICU room.

But Casey understood. He opened his mouth to ask about Kelly, not realizing his hands were trembling until Dawson rested hers on top of them.

"Another subdural hematoma!" Dawson uttered, no need to reveal the full extent of the injury he had suffered as they knew well what the consequences could be. "They…they had to drill another hole in your skull!" She raised her voice, mad at…mad at everything, the whole world, the destiny or whatever it was…

"No prognosis can be made yet." Chief explained before Matt had to chance to ask. "You've suffered a severe poisoning as well. The ethylene glycol in the brake fluid and the chlorine are messing up with your central nervous system. Your Doctor's confident that with some physiotherapy it is not going to do any permanent damage, but the effects would last for a few weeks. They'd be able to assess the damage the hematoma's done afterwards. You've been through two courses of dialysis to clean up your blood from the toxins, might need another one…"

"Girl..s?"

Dawson hesitated for a few seconds before answering. "The older one is going to be okay…the younger's in a coma…It's not fair she's paying for her father's mistakes…"

"The CPD guy's sharing a cell with Spellman." Boden added, finding no comfort in that…They were going to rot in prison, Hadley was gone, but the damage they had done was permanent…

"Kelly?" Casey uttered, his eyes fixed on Boden, begging for the truth.

Chief sighed, preparing to relive the horrible events from the past few days once again…

Xxx

"Ahhh." Casey grimaced in pain seven hours later, his hands grabbing the edges of the wheelchair he was in, trying to push himself upright once again. But his hands were too weak to support his weight and he ended up back in the chair. Benny, Boden, Erin and Gabby were around him, standing in front of Kelly's ICU room, watching as Doctor Andres and a nurse poked the Squad's Lieutenant with needles, drew blood, examined his legs, toes, arms…

"Hey, what's wrong?" Dawson turned to look at Matt, nothing but worry in her eyes.

"Everything's!" Casey snapped, his trembling eyelids driving him insane. He hated feeling so helpless, dependent on others, unable to get up and punch something, anything, scream at someone... "Can't…see him." He explained, attempting to get up once again. But this time two strong hands slid under his armpits, Chief pulling him upright and supporting Matt's weak frame…because it wasn't only Kelly who needed to know the other was alright. Casey had to make sure, too, and in that moment Boden couldn't offer much more…

Casey didn't say another word in the next few minutes, partly because he didn't trust his voice, partly because his mind wasn't there…

Matt was forced to sit back in the wheelchair when his legs completely gave out, and this time he didn't protest. Doctor Andreas joined them seconds later, another nurse bringing a pile of papers that required Benny's signature.

"So?" Lindsay shot him an eager glance, tired of waiting, exhausted, sleep deprived. But she had sworn to not take her eyes off of her hero again, and she fully intended to keep her promise. He couldn't die on her watch, right?

"Let's have a sit." The Doctor's suggestion went as if unheard, no one moving.

"No…" Casey and Erin mumbled at the same time, a word the Detective had used a lot more in the past week than in her entire life.

"The ventilator's not supplying his body with enough oxygen. His skin's getting mottle, his legs are blue already, indicating cyanosis."

"Then just give him higher doses!" Benny growled, not giving a damn if it was even possible.

"It doesn't work this way."

"You do something!" Erin commanded, looking away to hide her glassy eyes.

"There's one last thing we can try - "

"Last?" Casey's eyebrows were pulled down in frustration…he couldn't believe it…didn't want to believe it.

Doctor Andreas answered with a nod before continuing. "It's called ECMO…basically it uses an artificial lung to oxygenate the blood and remove the CO2, outside of the body."

"Outside?" Chief repeated, becoming a victim of his own imagination.

"It…resembles dialysis." Andreas shot Matt a glance. "The blood is pumped out of the body through a vein, goes through the machine, and is returned back into another vein. It's not a therapy, but on top of the ventilation it might supply him with just enough oxygen to - "

"Do it!" Erin cut him off abruptly.

"You should know there are significant risks of neurological injury and bleeding - "

"Do it!" Benny nodded firmly, glancing through the room's window as If to make sure his son was still there.

"Okay then…We're going to start the procedure in an hour."

"I wanna be there with him!" Lindsay blocked the Doctor's way, making it clear she wouldn't take no for an answer.

"You know how risky - "

"He's dying…anyways…" Casey growled, a wave of violent coughs that came next stopping him from finishing his thought.

Andreas sighed, not breaking eye contact with the Detective. "Okay. But you sneeze around him, it might just kill him…"

Xxx

The next three days were a living hell for everyone. Casey was on the edge, Dawson powerless to help him, Hadley's image haunting him whenever he had to leave Kelly's room. Things spiraled out of control after he got so sleep deprived that Gabby had to ask a nurse to slip him a mild sedative and wheel him back to his own room for a good night's sleep…The following night Voight dragged Erin to his place, not letting her go until she ate all the decent food he made, until she slept in a real bed for seven hours, screaming Severide's name before waking up.

Kelly's blood had been pumped in and out of his body for three days, a medical team standing by his side 24/7, monitoring the blood flow, the oxygen levels, his lungs, heart, kidneys…expecting him to bleed to death any second…

Three restless days after the ECMO had been initiated, Kelly was lying flat on his back, Lindsay sitting on a plastic chair, squeezing his hand gently, Matt not having the strength to protest or fight the wheelchair, just staring at Kelly, fear washing over him.

Doctor Andreas had just informed them Kelly's lung's function had improved, the oxygen levels had gone up. Not by much, but by enough to allow him to do a trial and assess whether he could stop the life-threatening procedure.

"We wait until he regains consciousness before we start the weaning process." Andreas explained, another doctor, an ECMO specialist, standing beside him, not finding it necessarily to add that the sole purpose of the trial was to check whether their friend's lungs were healthy enough to do the job with some minimum support from the ventilator. "It might take a couple of hours for the sedatives to wear off. I'd keep him on the paralytics for now, to make sure he doesn't hurt himself when he wakes up…

Xxx

He was cold…extremely cold…Kelly could feel his blood moving through his veins, as if it was leaving his body, then slowly making its way back, hurting him, amplifying the burning sensation in his chest…it hurt, hurt so much, his entire body…he was cold, but it felt as if all the water had been drained out of him…he wanted to scream, but something was blocking his throat…God it hurt so much…Why couldn't he move…he had to…had to run after her. Her world was better, beautiful, painless…but he couldn't follow her...distant voices were calling out his name, a hand dragging him to hell, Hadley's hand…

"_Shaaay."_ His mind screamed, the tube stuck in his throat not allowing for words to escape his lips. His eyes snapped wide open, nothing but horror in them…

**Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

**Yay, Hadley's gone…gone forever! Who's happy? But yeah…the damage he's done…On the other hand, Spellman's going to have one more unpleasant meeting with ? before getting what he deserves…well, he already got it, his daughter's paying for his mistakes…**

**I've not written Casey angst until now, have to admit I enjoy it, what do you guys think? Your warm comments and the cross-over event inspired me to add more Lindsay emotions, I know I needed I tissue while I was writing her talk over the intercom…**

**Kelly's in a world of pain and darkness, let's hope he passes the trial…**

**Thanks for reading and all the support, you're awesome! Would love to hear your opinion so p****lease review before you go :)**


	18. Chapter 18

_Warning:__ The story contains spoilers for season 3, 2 and 1_

_Disclaimer:__ I do not own any of the characters or the plot of Chicago Fire and Chicago PD. I do not own the lyrics of the songs used. I do not own the text taken directly from the show. This story is intended for fun only and I am not making any money with it!_

* * *

**A/N: Flashbacks are in **_**italics**_

* * *

**Chapter 18**

"_Shaaay." His mind screamed, the tube stuck in his throat not allowing for words to escape his lips. His eyes snapped wide open, nothing but horror in them…_

"Kelly!" Lindsay whispered, hoping he would recognize her voice. The deafening sound of the heart monitor's alarm was adding tension to the situation, one of the nurses finally muting the device.

Kelly's eyes were wide open, but he couldn't see anything, the pain too strong to allow his brain to process the images. Was he dead? In hell?…because it sure felt that way. He couldn't….he didn't…_"Always."_ He recognized the voice, it was Shay, whispering millions of words that meant nothing to him…but it sounded so distant, everything was so distant, as if he was stuck between two different worlds…and he already knew which one he preferred. The problem was he couldn't go there, he couldn't move. The tightness in his chest was getting stronger, his lungs filling up with air without him breathing…He began fighting breathing against the tube that was blocking his mouth and throat…he wanted to scream, no sound escaping his lips.

"Lieutenant Severide…"

"Sev…" Casey had never heard his own voice so week, pleading.

"You're in a hospital…You need to calm down."

"Please…Kelly…We're here…" Erin uttered, afraid to touch him, scared she might frighten him even further.

"We're…here." Matt repeated, battling his own agitation, hating it that his legs were too unstable for him to get up from the wheelchair and do something. "It's over…it's…over."

Kelly couldn't understand what they were saying, flashbacks mixing up with the images of his friends and enemies._ "Be there for each other!" _Shay smiled, one hand resting on the front of the ambo, her hair gathered in a ponytail. _"I love you._" She was at his bedside after the neck surgery, happy to see his blue eyes. _"Yeah. Always." _The image disappeared, his mind taking him back to the warehouse, Shay lying on the floor in a pool of her own blood.

"Sev!" Matt raised his voice, powerless…

"Always…" Erin uttered, reminding him of the promise she had made a few months back, her face twisting in a painful grimace.

"_Always."_ Kelly rolled his eyes in the direction of the voice, letting them close once again when he didn't see the blonde he expected to be there…

"Lieutenant Severide, can you hear me?"

"I need you to open your eyes for me." Erin demanded, her voice shaky, betraying her emotions.

"C'mon, Severide…" Matt huffed in frustration. _"You think he's even gonna fight?" _He shook off the image of Hadley, laughing at his face…

Kelly lifted his eyelids, the blank expression in his eyes frightening the people around him.

"Lieutenant, I need you to blink once if you can hear me." The ECMO specialist, Doctor Rowan, instructed, Doctor Andreas standing next to her.

Sighs of relief escaped everyone's lips when Kelly slowly close his eyes, reopening them immediately after.

"Good." Andreas praised, still unhappy with his patient's fast heart rate. "You're in a hospital. I need you to calm down now…your friends are here, there's nothing to be afraid of."

"It's okay." Casey uttered, more for his own reassurance than for his friend's. He felt Lindsay's palm rest on his shoulder, grateful for the small gesture of support. He was trying to stay strong for Severide…

Kelly wanted to calm down, he really did, so he let his eyes dart around the room for a couple of seconds, but the faces, the memories, the sight of his blood entering a machine…his mind was unable to process all the images and voices in his head. _"My name's…"_

"Lieutenant, I want you to stop fighting the ventilator and listen to me, okay?"

A blink…

"You've suffered a severe head injury and lung failure. The tube in your throat has to stay there for now, okay?"

Kelly blinked again, finding it hard to focus. All he wanted was to return into the darkness…the pain free, quiet darkness…

"The ventilator couldn't supply you with enough oxygen on its own so we had to use an artificial lung to do the job. But your lungs are healing and we are going to stop the support of the machine and see if the oxygenation from the ventilator alone would be sufficient." Andreas explained briefly.

"We're giving you a paralytic agent, that's why you can't move, nothing to be scared of. I know you're in a lot of pain, but I need you awake for the procedure. When it's over, we'll increase the dose of painkillers and you're going to feel a lot better." Doctor Rowan added, her experience and the expression on Kelly's face telling her he was not following their explanation.

"You're going to be okay…" Erin reassured him, unsuccessfully trying to meet his petrified eyes.

"Lieutenant, I'm going to ask you a few questions now. I want you to blink once for yes, alright?"

A blink.

"Is your full name Kelly Severide?"

A blink

"Do you know who these people are?" Doctor Rowan pointed first Matt and then Erin.

Kelly glanced at Casey before giving a positive answer.

"Okay. I want you to blink once when I say her real name."

"_My name's…"_

"Gabriella…Leslie…Shay."

The tears welling in Kelly eyes finally rolled down his cheek, Casey cursing them for causing his friend unnecessarily pain.

"Lindsay." The Doctor paused, getting no response. For Erin, it felt as if time had just stopped…

"_My name's Erin."_

"Erin." Matt bellowed.

The Detective exhaled in relief when Kelly blinked. "That's right, Kel…It's Erin." A small smile lit her face.

"What about this guy's?" Doctor Andreas pointed Matt with his head. "Judging by how worried he is, you two must be like brothers."

"Is his name Mike?"

No response.

"Matthew?"

"_Hey Kelly, I've made a new friend."_ The image of Andy Darden flashed in front of his eyes, Casey on Andy's left side, the three of them getting ready for their first day at the Academy. _"His name's…"_

"Lieutenant, is his name Matthew?"

Kelly didn't respond, everything in front of his eyes getting blurry, his mind playing sick jokes with him.

"Matt?"

"_His name's…" _Kelly was frantically looking for the correct name in his memory, but couldn't find it. He was sure he knew it…the face was so familiar, the voice….

"C'mon." Casey murmured louder than he intended to.

"Casey?" Andreas tried again.

But Kelly just gave up, a new wave of tears coming over him. He fixed his eyes on the blonde Lieutenant in the wheelchair, overwhelmed by the feeling that it was his fault, his eyes begging for forgiveness…

"Lieutenant, it's okay! Just calm down!" Doctor Rowan urged, her patient's heart rate and pulse going up again.

Grabbing the edges of the wheelchair, Matt pushed himself upright. He used the bed to support his weight, making sure Kelly could see him. "It's Matthew, Matt, Casey and…and this is temporarily." Casey said in a soft tone, referring to the wheelchair. "I'll be just fine…and you're going to remember everything. It takes time, but…we're going to recover…and put everything…behind. I can't…do it without…you! "Matt placed his hand on top of Kelly's…Severide's skin felt warm…almost too warm.

Kelly blinked once, then again…and again, as if trying to say something.

"Matt?" Lindsay furrowed her eyebrows, having noticed the even more concerned expression on Truck's Lieutenant's face.

"Take his…temperature!" Casey growled, Erin extending her arm to help him sit back down in the wheelchair and make room for the nurse to do her job.

"It's too high" Doctor Andreas muttered, looking first at the thermometer and then at Doctor Rowan.

"What's going on?!" Lindsay asked with a sense of helplessness in her voice, directing her question at both the doctors and Kelly…she couldn't get it…until Kelly closed his eyes, this time not opening them again. She understood…and it shattered her heart into small pieces. Kelly wanted to escape their world…his eyes pleading them to somehow erase the pain, to put him to asleep, forever.

"Might be an infection." Doctor Andreas explained, lifting the sheets covering his patient's bottom limbs to examine the burns on his legs.

"Hey…c'mon Lieutenant, we need you awake." Doctor Rowan uttered…

Xxx

"He's going to pull through." Boden's gruff voice sounded from behind Benny, Severide Senior peering through the window of Kelly's ICU room, frightened by the expression on Kelly's face without being able to hear what the people inside were talking about.

"Couldn't keep Katie safe…failed Kelly…" Benny mumbled, pain radiating from his voice.

Chief opened his mouth to reply but got distracted by loud steps coming from the end of the corridor.

"What the hell?!" Benny grumbled, making a step toward Boden, the two of them now standing in the middle of the corridor like statues placed there to serve as a barrier.

Burgess and Roman stopped dead on their tracks, Spellman a step before them, shackled, barely standing on his feet, multiple bruises on his face, a bandage around his nose.

"What's he doing here?!" Boden snarled, having to remind himself they were at the ICU and had to keep the noise down to a minimum.

Despite his swollen eye and Benny, and Boden blocking the way, Spellman could still see through the window…his eyes catching a glimpse of the lifeless figure of Kelly, his empty eyes, Matt in a wheelchair.

"Came to see…" A smug appeared on the ex-fireman's face, proving he was proud of what he had achieved…

"Don't!" Boden's voice boomed but it wasn't enough to stop Severide Senior from grabbing Spellman by the throat and pushing him against the wall, the CPD officers unsure whether to stop him or let him make the world a better place...

"See what, you son of a bitch?!" Benny's grip tightened around Spellman's neck.

Chief cursed, his hands sliding under Severide's armpits. "Not like this." He uttered. Benny huffed but let go, Chief using the opportunity to pull him aside. "Not here!"

The door of the ICU room opened and Erin, teary-eyed, stepped into the narrow corridor, Spellman's face the first thing she saw. "What- "

"He cut a deal with the State Attorney." Burgess answered before Erin could finish her question.

"A deal?" Boden hissed, using one hand to keep Benny at a safe distance.

"He gave a written confession and is going to plead guilty - "

"In exchange of? Lindsay barked, her eyes fixed on the man responsible for her fireman's pain.

"The chance to visit his daughter in the pediatrics ICU." Roman explained, his tone indicating that he didn't like it.

"The same ICU he sent Luke Herrmann and Logan Rice to?" Boden just couldn't believe it…

"Not going to happen!" Erin shook her head for a no, her tone not leaving place for negotiations, and frankly said, Burgess and Roman were more than happy to follow her orders.

"You can't - " Spellman growled, eyes widening.

"The hell I can't!" Lindsay uttered through greeted teeth, the image of her strong firefighter begging them to take the pain away embedded in her mind.

"But-"

"Get him out of here!"

"I hope your kid lives to remind you of what you did to her!" Benny uttered before walking away.

"You better watch your back…" Erin threatened. Unable to look at Spellman's face a second longer, she shoved past Roman and went after Benny…

Xxx

It was five days of hell later when the doctors decided to trial Kelly off the ECMO pump once again, their first attempt having failed due to a bloodstream infection. Casey and Lindsay had to watch from outside the room as the whole process was performed, the medical staff deciding to keep Kelly under sedation, afraid he would be as agitated as the previous time. Twenty-four hours later, they all heaved a sigh of relief when Doctor Rowan stepped out of the ICU room and informed them that the weaning had been successful.

A surgery to remove the cannulas and repair the blood vessels later, Kelly was wheeled back to the ICU room, a ventilator's tube still stuck in his throat, supplying him with oxygen. But the doctors were done giving him paralytics and sedatives, hoping to start trials of de-sedation and spontaneous breathing once Severide regained consciousness, and if calm enough.

Casey was dozing on a chair near the bed, Erin having disappeared to the canteen for coffee, when Kelly forced his eyes open, not quite sure if he was caught in another nightmare or it was for real. His mind was foggy, everything being just a blur. He could barely move his fingers, everything below his neck feeling somehow numb…and that tube stuck in his throat, the sensation…he couldn't breathe…he had to get it out…Kelly brought his arm toward his face…

"Don't!" A firm voice that he recognized ordered.

Severide's arm was knocked back down somehow gently. He had no energy to fight and instead turned his head to look at the blond Lieutenant stopping him from pulling the tube out.

"Relax." Casey told him, looking at the blue eyes staring back at him. "It's helping you breathe…just…don't fight it, okay."

That voice…he knew he could trust it. Very slowly, Kelly moved his head up and down, letting the ventilator do the job his lungs weren't capable of.

Matt couldn't help it but smiled when his friend's body relaxed. Truck's Lieutenant reached and pressed the nurse call button.

Turning his attention back to Severide, Casey noticed that Kelly's eyes were scanning him, the dark haired man unable to mask the confusion and fear he was experiencing.

"You know…who I am?" Matt asked with arched brows, dreading the answer.

Severide hesitated for a few seconds. _"Why don't you stay with us for a while?"_ He nodded his head yes, the expression on his face not convincing.

"My name?" Casey hid his inner agitation well. He caught a glimpse of Kelly glassy eyes, revealing the painful truth…but he knew what a head injury and oxygen deprivation could do to one's memory, and how frustrating it could be. "You remember what happened? Hadley?"

If Severide could talk, he would have yelled at Matt to shut up and leave him the hell alone…but he couldn't, feeling as if parts of his memory had been erased, nothing making any sense…he knew who the blonde guy in his room was and yet he couldn't remember his name…he knew Kevin Hadley, but what about him? And where the hell was Shay?...He could swear she had been at his bedside for days, and yet she was not there, the emptiness inside him suggesting she had been gone for a long time…

"Hey! That's normal…I don't…I don't remember everything either…" Matt reassured him, happy to see his friend's frame relax once again. "It'll get better…I promise."

Xxx

"You must be kidding me!" Erin grumbled, Voight's expression telling her he wasn't. They were standing in front of Kelly's ICU room, their conversation far from pleasant.

"Trial's scheduled for May 13th". Hank uttered, breaking eye contact with Lindsay.

"That's - "

"The anniversary from Shay's death." Voight finished her sentence. "There's nothing I can do." He added in remorse.

"Spellman has to - "

"Hey! He's going to get what he deserves…I'm taking care of it." Voight took a step forward, pulling his girl into a tight hug. "Right now your fireman needs you."

"He's awake." A soft voice sounded from behind them, forcing Erin to glance through the window, the sight of Casey talking to a visibly calm Kelly warming her heart.

Hank released his clasp, letting Erin follow the nurse into the room, Doctor Andreas and another older nurse, who pushing an empty wheelchair, a few feet behind.

"Kelly." Erin mumbled with a twinkle in her eye, rushing to his bedside. Severide's eyes followed her every movement, his dazed mind unable to respond in any way. "You scared me…"

"It's good to finally see you awake, Lieutenant." Andreas said, monitoring his patient's reactions and behavior. "I know you want that tube out of your throat, but we need to run a few tests first, okay?"

"And your friend here has to do his physiotherapy or I'm gonna get another lecture from his girl." The older nurse commanded with a cheeky smile, positioning the wheelchair as close to the chair Matt was sitting in as possible.

Kelly cast a gaze upon the blonde Lieutenant, his eyes filled with guilt.

Matt exhaled sharply, knowing the doctor needed to examine his friend in private. Shooting a glance at the wheelchair, he used one foot to push it aside.

"Don't need it." Casey huffed, pushing himself upright…to show Kelly he was okay, to prove himself they were going to be okay. He made a step in the direction of the door, but felt his muscles shake under his weight, his hand immediately gripping the side of the bed.

"Sit your ass down." The nurse instructed, Matt having no other choice but to take her help.

"Torture." The blond Lieutenant smirked only half-joking, observing Kelly with the corners of his eyes. "You'll see for yourself, soon."

Kelly watched as the nurse wheeled Casey out of the room, scared of having to face the demons in his head if left alone. He moved the fingers of his left hand in search of Erin's. When her warm hand landed on top of his and he felt somehow safe, he allowed his eyes to close, having no energy to keep them open…

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**Thank you good people for all the support and warm words! THANK YOU to the Guests I cannot pm back!**

**Deep breaths now, Kelly had a hard time waking up, but he's with us again, yay! Quite an emotional journey for him and his family, hope you liked it and felt their emotions...Voight's taking care of Spellman ^^**

**I don't want to spoil the next chapter by posting it here, but if anyone has any concerns regarding the small memory issues (or anything else), I'd be happy to discuss it with you. Just leave a comment/pm and I'll get back to you! **

**Would love to hear your opinion so p****lease review before you go :)**


	19. Chapter 19

_Warning:__ The story contains spoilers for season 3, 2 and 1_

_Disclaimer:__ I do not own any of the characters or the plot of Chicago Fire and Chicago PD. I do not own the lyrics of the songs used. I do not own the text taken directly from the show. This story is intended for fun only and I am not making any money with it!_

* * *

**A/N: Flashbacks are in **_**italics**_

* * *

**Chapter 19**

Three more days passed with Kelly existing between two different words, spending most of the time asleep…the medical staff kept telling them it was normal, that patients with ARDS, who had been on ECMO, were malnourished, that it was going to take time before Kelly gained enough strength to stay awake for longer periods, even more time before he could sit, talk, engage in a conversation…but it was scary, for all of them. They knew it was common for people with head injuries to experience memory issues, hell, Casey had been through the same, they knew these issues usually persisted for a while before disappearing…but they couldn't believe that Kelly didn't remember names, that their Lieutenant had no idea what had happened to Shay, that he had no recollection of how he had ended up in a hospital, that he didn't know what Hadley and Spellman had done…

"May 13th." Benny uttered, his son drifting back to unrestful sleep. Nightmares and flashbacks were haunting Kelly, waking him up, terrifying him, agitating him and forcing him to fight for his life by trying to pull out the tube out of his mouth. The nurses had had to restrain his arms to the bed, to stop him from harming himself.

"It ends in three weeks." Benny added, stopping himself from revealing what else he had in mind…he and Voight had talked - about how to save Benny's ass from being charged with Vince Keeler's murder, about what Spellman's life would be like after the trial…about revenge, pure, animal-like revenge. The conversation he had had with Voight the previous day was still vivid in his mind.

"_I know some guys inside…sick pyromaniacs who'd do anything for a matchbox." _Benny had approached the subject openly, not in a mood for playing games.

"_Give me names…I'll take care of the rest."_

"_I want him to burn to death…slowly…a finger per day, Hank…Want him to feel…feel what Kelly's feeling right now."_

"_He will…he'd wish he's been sent to hell once the trial's over. You have my word."_

Xxx

"The weaning was successful and all tests are encouraging." It was the first good news Matt and Erin had heard in weeks…it had been days of negative results, days of postponing Kelly's extubation, Matt getting worse - headache, nausea, his physical rehabilitation going to hell…Casey had been poked with needles, his head subjected to CT scans that had pointed to a moderate brain swelling…he was back in a wheelchair, an IV stuck in his arm, a combination of drugs going into his system to relive the swelling…a complication frequently observed in patients like him, with a history of head injuries, but it didn't make it less frustrating, less scary.

"So you can finally remove that tube?" Lindsay tried not to get her hopes up…and failed.

"I'm going to extubate him…and see how it goes." Doctor Andreas explained briefly. "But you have to understand that if we don't get immediate spontaneous breathing, we'll have to re-intubate. Nurse Anna's explaining the procedure to Kelly as we speak, whether he understands it I don't know. Benny Severide agreed."

"What are the chances - "

"I don't know." Andreas shrugged his shoulders and headed towards Kelly's room where Benny was listening to the nurse's explanation carefully, Kelly's mind elsewhere.

"We're ready." The nurse smiled warmly, guiding Benny, Matt and Erin to the corner of the room.

"Lieutenant, I need you to stay with us or we cannot proceed, okay."

All the energy Kelly had went into a barely noticeable nod.

"Nurse Anna is going to put a catheter in your mouth now…I know how unpleasant it is, but we need to clear your airways."

When the new tube was forced into his mouth, Kelly pressed his eyes shut…he had been extubated before, but he had been so heavily medicated after the neck surgery that he didn't have any recollection whatsoever. It was a different story this time.

No one had warned him the suctioning would hurt like hell, and it took him by surprise. Kelly tried to cough the catheter out of his throat, unsuccessfully.

"I know, sweetie, it's going to be over soon." The nurse did her best to comfort him, Erin finding it hard to remain in the corner, every fiber of her body wanting to at least hold his hand.

"_I'll be right here when you wake up." _ Severide heard Shay's soft voice, the same words she had whispered in his ear just before the experimental surgery.

"We're…right here." Casey said as if having read his friend's thoughts, his voice sounding calmer than he actually felt.

The nurse nodded once and removed the catheter. Andreas stepped closer to the bed, one hand ready to pull the tube out. "You still with us?"

A blink.

"On three, I want you to cough. Your throat will feel sore and dry, it's perfectly normal, just don't try to talk yet…Anna will place a mask over your nose and mouth to facilitate breathing at first." Andreas explained, a team of nurses and equipment for re-intubation behind him.

"One." Nurse Anna counted. "Two…Three."

Kelly forced a weak cough, choking as the tube was being pulled out. He felt as if something in his throat constricted, cutting off the oxygen supply to his lungs. The oxygen mask that was firmly attached to his face didn't help, just frightening him further.

"Relax." Andreas frowned, not liking the readings on the monitors.

"Don't do this…" Erin's voice was begging, scarred, the stridor resulting from her fireman fighting for each breath terrifying them all.

"What's…happening?" Matt demanded just before Benny opened his mouth to ask the same thing.

"His airways might be inflamed and swollen…"

"Might be?" Lindsay growled, ready to tear the doctor apart.

"Vitals are dropping." The nurse informed with a sense of urgency in her voice, looking at the doctor with arched brows, expecting further instructions.

"Prepare for re-intubation." Andreas instructed, Erin mumbling a quiet "no".

The only word that Severide somehow heard was re-intubation. _"Just relax…I'm right here." _Shay's comforting words during the extubation after the surgery rushed into his oxygen deprived mind.

Andreas took the oxygen mask off Severide's face when Kelly grabbed his hand, his eyes begging the doctor to stop.

"We have to." Andreas uttered.

Kelly's lips moved, no sound coming out. Only Matt figured out what his friend wanted to say – "Shay", and this time he couldn't force himself to tell him she wasn't there.

"Wait." Benny pleaded, taking a step forward. Kelly was fighting to gain control over his breathing, and Benny was determined to give him that one chance.

Andreas sighed, no other choice but to respect Severide's wish. "Increase the epinephrine."

"_I'm right here."_ Kelly could swear Shay was right beside him, he was sure he had just felt her warm hand touch his…he closed his eyes, his body visibly relaxing, breathing getting a tiny bit easier, just enough to allow for the oxygen to reach his lungs…

Xxx

Five more days went by before Kelly was transferred to a regular room…for someone who had no idea what they had been through it didn't seem so significant, for Casey, Erin, Benny and the rest of the Fifty-one family it was a massive achievement. For Kelly, it was hard for anyone to tell – there were moments when he had that look on his face, the look of a man who could pull through anything. Seconds later as if something crushed his willpower…that something was seeing Matt so physically broken, hearing people talk about Hadley and Spellman, about what they had done, having no recollection at all…that something was seeing Shay's face in his head, hearing her voice every time he closed his eyes, waking up expecting to see her there, then having to remind himself she was gone, forever, and he had no idea why. He knew the people coming to see him, knew the people telling him to keep fighting, that he was doing well…but he was finding it hard to remember their names – was it Cruz or Otis, who cared?!

"We'll try giving him real food today and I'm hoping to start with some basic physiotherapy and exercise in the next few days." Andreas informed Erin and Casey who were on their way to Kelly's room, Benny and Boden having just left. "Look, the memory problems are normal and you have to understand that patients with ARDS often experience depression and mood swings…he's been through a lot and having hard time remembering those events only adds up to the psychological problems. There's no point in hiding the truth from him – he asks you anything, you tell him what's happened. It will help him remember."

Matt and Lindsay nodded in agreement, Andreas taking it as a sign to step aside and let them enter Kelly's room. It was much bigger than the ICU one, much brighter, even had a TV that no one really used.

Kelly was lying on the bed, eyes closed, caught in another nightmare…every time someone entered his room he just wished to be left alone…then when alone, he wished for someone to pull him out of the nightmares…

"Shaaay." He cried out, his eyes snapping wide open, looking around in an attempt to locate the blonde paramedic. Every time he woke up, he would scream her name, frantically looking for her…until he felt the emptiness inside him, reminding him she wasn't there.

Kelly raised his hand, searching for Lindsay's, shooting her a grateful glance when her fingers wrapped around his.

"I know." Lindsay whispered, her other hand brushing his long hair off his face. "She's gone, Kelly." Erin forced herself to say it for a third time in her life – after the second, she had been sure she wouldn't ever have to break his heart again, and the world had proven her wrong. She just didn't want to be sure of anything anymore.

Matt waited for Lindsay's words to sink in, trying to read the stony expression on his friend's face. "It's been nearly a year." He added, his mind taking him to the times when everything had been so much simpler, easier, happier.

"How…" Kelly uttered, wishing to hear the story for the first time. He remembered bits and pieces, remembered running into the warehouse, the propane tanks…"How?" His hoarse voice sounded again when nobody answered.

They told him everything…about how she'd died in his hands, about his breakdown afterwards, about Hadley's plan to get out of jail, about Spellman's revenge, about Herrmann, the trial, Logan's and Matt's kidnapping…it was a lot to take in, it hurt…it felt as if they were talking about a movie, a horrible movie he hadn't seen.

"I don't…remember…" Kelly mumbled, grimacing when the rest of the words got stuck in his sore throat.

A knock on the door and Mouch motioning for Casey to join him outside ended their conversation. Erin nodded, as if to say it was okay for Matt to go. As the blonde Lieutenant was making his way out, Lindsay planted a warm kiss on Kelly's cheek before sitting comfortably in one of the chairs. "You remember me." She whispered. It meant a lot to her.

Matt stepped out of the room, confused to see Mouch and Andreas in the corridor. "What's going on?"

"Herrmann called me an hour ago. Luke's going home tomorrow." Mouch explained, the doctor glancing at him in confusion.

"Good."

"No. I mean, he's going to his home tomorrow…You know we've been off shift lately. Had plenty of time to fix and decorate the house."

Casey nodded, expecting Mouch to continue, still not quite sure why Andreas had to be present.

"Herrmann doesn't know about it yet and we want to surprise him. The kids would love it…everyone would be happy to see you there, Lieutenant, and…" Mouch paused, afraid that his suggestion would sound crazy. "We think it might…might help Kelly if he comes."

The confusion on Andreas' face was replaced by shock…but as insane as it sounded, Casey actually liked the idea.

"No." The doctor barked.

"C'mon."

"Lieutenant, I know you are feeling much better physically and opted to stay in the hospital for a few more days just to be close to him. BUT…" Andreas moved his eyes from Matt to Mouch. "Kelly can barely stay awake for two hours, let alone leave the hospital!"

"Two hours is what we need." Mouch shrugged his shoulders.

"Kelly needs to see things are getting better." Casey argued, determination on his face. "Look, I know what it feels like to not remember stuff less important than what he doesn't right now…it might help…"

"Two hours tops." Andreas murmured, still not happy with the idea. "If Kelly and Benny Severide agree."

"Two hours tops." Matt promised, hoping his broken friend would have the willpower to do it.

"And a nurse's coming with you. If she says you need to come back, you come back, okay?"

"Okay."

Xxx

"What the heck's this place?" Herrmann rose his voice when he had to ask the same question for a third time, his kids staring at him with arched brows, Mouch driving Christopher's minivan, Cindy in the back with Luke.

Mouch smirked and parked the car in front of the house, the kids jumping out before Cindy helped Luke get off.

"What's going on?" Cindy asked when Herrmann and Mouch joined them on the sidewalk, confusion on her face.

"You'll see." Mouch grinned, leading the way to their house, the family following him reluctantly…

Nobody noticed Otis peering through the second floor window, excitement taking over him when the Herrmann clan finally arrived. He ran downstairs, the people there preparing for their first happy moment in nearly a year.

Erin was standing next to Kelly, Casey on his other side, nurse Anna in the corner, watching over her patient. Convincing Severide to do it had been hard, and still he was sitting in a wheelchair motionless, murmuring "yes" whenever somebody asked him whether he was okay…all the people, all the names, all the information, he felt as if his head was going to explode.

"I can't…" Kelly uttered, his face losing the slight color it had gained over the past few days.

But before Casey could do anything, there was a knock on the door – Mouch pulled the handle... The door opened and Randy walked in first, followed by…

"SURPRISE!" The people of Firehouse Fifty-One yelled at the same time, a few colorful balloons flying in the direction of the door, Herrmann's oldest son mumbling "wow".

Herrmann stopped dead in his tracks, Cindy and the kids a step behind him, looking around in excitement.

"Welcome home." Boden stepped forward, a toothy smile on his face, Christopher staring at him with his mouth open.

"What…"

"Are we going to live here, dad?" Lee-Henry asked, holding Kenny's hand.

"No…"

"Yes!" Cruz shouted from the back of the living room. "This is your house, Herrmann."

"My…our…" Christopher had no idea what to say, but the tears in his eyes were enough to show them how grateful he was, for everything. He turned around and pulled his wife into a hug, Cindy whispering "thank you" to the people looking at them.

"Okay, enough with the hugs." Otis exclaimed. "Time for the cake."

"Guys, I…I don't know how to - "

"You don't have to." Chief cut Christopher off, extending his hand to hand him two sets of keys.

Severide didn't say anything, feeling as if he didn't belong there, the thought that it had all happened because of him not leaving him alone. His eyes darted around the room, the furniture…the furniture from his shared apartment with Shay. He could feel her absence more than anyone else…over the year, they had learned how to live without her, never forgetting her, just continuing with their lives. For him…he didn't even remember losing her, and even though he had been told what had happened, he kept glancing at the door, expecting her to walk in…

"Can't..." Severide told no one in particular, overwhelmed by everything going on around him

"Luke!" Cindy's voice brought Kelly back to reality. He opened his eyes and saw the little boy standing in front of him. Luke extended his arms and wrapped them around Kelly's neck gently…

"Thanks for saving me and my dad." Luke whispered before Cindy came closer and pulled him aside.

Kelly was left speechless, no words to describe the emotions he felt. He rubbed his eyes with one hand, but didn't manage to hide the tears…tears caused by the fact that he didn't remember, tears caused by the hole in his soul…tears caused by the idea that after all, he had helped somebody, a little kid, and his dad…part of his family. He looked around…he had troubles remembering their names, but he knew they had been there for him, through the whole nightmare, through the darkest moments, never giving up on him for a second…he looked at his blonde-haired brother, Casey squeezing him arm gently…he looked at Erin and saw…saw a woman who loved him, no matter what, no matter how hard it was and was going to be…and he loved her too.

"C'mon, time for the cake!" Otis urged for a second time.

"_I'm so damn proud of you, Kelly."_ He smiled, the first real smile on Kelly's face in what seemed to be forever.

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**Thank you good people for all the support and warm words! THANK YOU to the Guests I cannot pm back!**

**A little bit of tension in the beginning, but with all the sadness on Fire and PD these days, I wanted to end this chapter on a lighter note with happy tears, hope you like it! Kelly is a fighter, they all are, and they have just one more big challenge to face before it is all over for good.**

**Just to say, I am well aware that in real life May 13****th**** was yesterday, hope you don't mind the small time difference.**

**Would love to hear your opinion so p****lease review before you go, thanks :)**


	20. Chapter 20

_Warning:__ The story contains spoilers for season 3, 2 and 1_

_Disclaimer:__ I do not own any of the characters or the plot of Chicago Fire and Chicago PD. I do not own the lyrics of the songs used. I do not own the text taken directly from the show. This story is intended for fun only and I am not making any money with it!_

* * *

**A/N: Flashbacks are in **_**italics**_

* * *

**Chapter 20**

"Lieutenant Severide." Doctor Martin, Kelly's physical therapist, called out, his patient glaring absentmindedly at the door of the rehab room. "Lieutenant!"

Severide shook his head, snapping out of his thoughts. "Sorry." He uttered, his voice – hoarse.

"Lieutenant - "

"Kelly."

"Kelly, the muscle weakness you're experiencing is normal for patients who have been in a drug-induced coma for long periods. Doctor Andreas has done a good job preventing full muscle atrophy, but you have to understand rehab will be a long and painful process, okay?"

"Do I have…" Severide paused, taking a second to catch his breath, his compromised lungs still having trouble doing their job properly. "Any other choice?" Andreas had explained that it would take between six months to a year for this pulmonary function to return to normal, if it returned to normal.

"Not really." Doctor Martin smirked. "Lieutenant Casey's doing very well, I am sure you will, too."

"Yeah." Kelly faked a smile.

"So now I need to see what we're dealing with here. I'm going to help you stand up and I want you to hold onto these parallel bars. I'll be right behind you."

Kelly hesitated for a long moment, finding it extremely hard to trust others. The doctor waited patiently, trust something he needed to establish in order to do his job properly. Reluctantly, Severide took Martin's hand, and with his help, managed to stand up, cursing his shaky legs. His free hand landed on the left bar, and a nurse gently moved his legs forward. Doctor Martin positioned Severide's other hand on the right bar, then very slowly released his grip.

Kelly's muscles were weak, very weak. He had no idea how much weight he had lost, and he didn't really care, but everyone just kept reminding him how skinny he was.

"How are you feeling?"

"Good." It was a lie, the uncertainty in Severide's voice betraying him.

"We can stop - "

"I'm…fine!"

"Alright. Let's see if you can take a few steps now…let's say three."

Severide hadn't anticipated how hard walking could be up until that point, but he wanted to do it, needed to do it. When his right foot left the ground, he lost balance. As promised, the doctor was there to catch him. Soon after, Kelly's foot finally landed a few inches ahead and his left one joined it.

Kelly struggled with the second step even more, the Doctor's firm grip being the only thing stopping him from falling over.

"Did you and Matt take a course in stubbornness together or it is just a requirement for the Academy?"

The joke was intended to lighten the mood, but instead Kelly froze, braking out in cold sweat. Sharp pain moved from his temples to his brain, making him close his eyes.

"_Kelly Severide, Matthew Casey, welcome to Firehouse Fifty-One!" The Chief at that time greeted them cheerfully. Kelly shot a brief glance at Boden, the Lieutenant of Squad 3, determined to work his ass off to win a place there. _

"_Mouch?" Matt looked at Randy amused and young Christopher chuckled. _

"_Half man, half couch." _

"_Hey I'm Herrmann, Christopher." _

Images kept flashing through Kelly's mind, voices accompanying them. Severide opened his mouth to scream, but no sound escaped his dry lips.

"_Joe Cruz…Dawson…Brian - "_

"Kelly, you with me?" Doctor Martin asked firmly, the nurse helping him to position Severide back in the wheelchair.

"_Leslie Shay." Shay smiled brightly and he smiled back. _

Kelly opened his mouth to say something but suddenly, he was inside the warehouse where it had all happened, chaos around him.

"_Any eyes on Dawson or Shay, I can't reach them?" Boden radioed and Kelly's heart skipped a beat. _

_He ran down the stairs, Casey following him. His eyes fell on Shay's lifeless body…he tried bringing her back to life, Dawson did, too, but his girl was gone. "No…no…no ". Casey and Mouch took her warm body away and then time stopped, his entire world fell apart. _

"Lieutenant! You remembered anything?"

Kelly managed a nod, finding it hard to distinguish reality from memories, feeling as if his head was going to explode.

Xxx

The next time Kelly opened his eyes the dull pain was gone, gone was even the persistent chest pain that had been accompanying his every breath. He looked around in confusion, noticing that it was already dark outside, meaning he had been unconscious for hours, painkillers probably still flooding his system. His eyes rested upon Casey and Doctor Andreas, Matt's concern evident.

"What…happened?!" Kelly uttered, forcing his brain to work again.

"Doctor Martin got you here unresponsive, severe headache." Andreas explained. "We gave you painkillers and did a CT scan, everything looks fine. Ran a few other tests, the results should be here soon."

"Told you physiotherapy's torture." Matt snickered, understanding all too well there was nothing funny in the situation.

"I…" Kelly hesitated, Casey encouraging him to continue. "Names…faces…everything just rushed… into my head." Severide turned his head around, glancing through the window…it was dark outside, dark was his whole world.

Before Andreas could say anything else, his pager beeped. "The results are ready. Will be back in a few."

When the door closed behind the doctor, Casey glanced at Severide. Kelly was trying to hide behind a brave façade, his glassy eyes betraying him.

"You remembered anything else?" Matt pressed.

"Matt - "

"Shay?" Casey ventured a guess, the grimace on his friend's face telling him it had been correct.

Kelly clenched his jaw, thinking of her bringing more of the painful memories back. He managed to stop the flood of flashbacks, concentrating on the present. "Remembered…the explosion. We tried to save her…but she was…gone."

Casey sighed, the sight of Kelly and Gabby fighting for Shay's life still disturbing his sleep from time to time. "She didn't suffer." He had no idea what other words of comfort to offer.

Kelly nodded, his eyes darting around the room, his demons taking advantage of his weakness, making him wonder what it would have been if she hadn't died, if she had been a step to the left when the beam had come down…

"Anything else? Hadley, Spellman?" Casey pushed further.

Severide just shook his head for a no in frustration.

"You will - "

"When?!" Kelly raised his voice, regretting it when a violent cough followed.

Pushing his physical pain away, Casey jumped off his seat and helped his friend to a sitting position. "Easy." Matt instructed. He poured water from the jar next to him into a glass and held it in front of Severide's face as he took a small sip. It brought relief to Kelly's throat and he finally managed to concentrate on his breathing, getting it under control a few seconds later.

"I know what it's like, okay?" Matt retorted, abandoning the glass on the small table. "It takes time."

"I'm sick…of waiting, Casey! Can't do anything…but…sit on my ass…and wonder what - "

Matt had the feeling that whatever he said, it was going to be wrong. Since the small welcome home party for Herrmann, Kelly had been eager to get back on his feet and out of that hospital, motivated to rebuild his life once again. But everything was happening so slowly, too slowly. The doctors were talking about months and months of rehab and tests, constantly reminding him how slim the chances for a full recovery were. The statistics were slowly crushing Severide's spirit.

Their dead-end talk ended when Doctor Andreas returned, Erin following him. She stopped near the bed, her worried eyes studying the tormented expression on Kelly's face.

"Can't leave you for a moment…" Lindsay's voice trailed off, masking the guilt she was feeling for not being there. Voight had given her time off, but Antonio had called her, literally begging her to cover for him for a few hours, his son having troubles at school.

"I'm fine." Kelly forced a smile, the look of love in her eyes warming the cockles of his heart.

"The test results are encouraging" Andreas confirmed, that being his positive way of saying that the results weren't worse than the previous round.

"Yeah?" Kelly raised his eyebrows, the glimpse of hope in his eyes unmistakable.

"I know you're eager to get out of here." Andreas smirked when his statement was met by a firm nod. "If we manage to get you standing on your feet in the next couple of days, we can arrange for you to go home. We'll give you a portable oxygen tank and a mask, in case you experience shortness of breath."

"Okay."

"But," Andreas raised his voice, shooting a glance at Matt. "You'll be coming here for physiotherapy and tests every day. Which means that I need to know there will be someone to take care of you and drive you here. As much as I respect the friendship thing between you two," Andreas looked at Casey again. "Lieutenant Casey's dealing with serious injuries himself."

Matt didn't respond immediately, debating with himself whether to admit that the doctor was right…he could barely move around unaided, Gabby having to look after him.

"Move in with me." Lindsay broke the silence.

"I…don't – "

"Nadia got her own place, and I've not taken time off in years. They will survive without me for a while."

Even in his teen years when he'd been left completely alone, Kelly had refused to be dependent on others, always securing a roof over his head, finding ways to earn enough to get him through the hard times. But in that moment he felt like a dead weight, powerless to do anything, having to rely on others even for the simplest things.

"We'll get through this together." Lindsay whispered as if she had read his mind.

Severide had no other choice but to nod in agreement. As much as he loved the idea of living with the gorgeous detective, he couldn't shake off the feeling that he was just a burden, unable to offer her anything in return.

Xxx

The next physiotherapy session went a tiny bit better, Doctor Martin familiarizing Kelly with a long list of things they had to work on. Enduring exercises to increase breathing and lung strength were on top of that list, followed by a range of muscle strengthening, balance and coordination exercises which were supposed to get Severide back on his own two feet. Only then they could start working on ambulation – walking on level surfaces first, then eventually progressing to climbing steps.

In the next session, Kelly actually got to do an exercise on the vertical bars. He had to shift his weight between the right and left legs in a swaying motion for five minutes, but after the second, all of his energy was drained. He kept going for two more minutes until his vision became blurry, his lungs out of air. He was grateful Doctor Martin was standing right behind him...

When the session was over and Kelly was back in the wheelchair, he felt like a dead weight once again. He was trying not to think about the timeline the doctor had given him. But somehow he couldn't focus on anything else while a nurse was pushed his wheelchair toward his room, Matt walking behind them, holding on a walking frame. Seconds later, Severide's mind dwelled on his future, his firefighting career and the level of physical fitness required to do the job.

"So, the parallel bars, huh?" Casey had no idea what else to say.

"Feel like a…damn invalid!" Kelly murmured, unable to keep his thoughts private any longer.

"Tell me about it. Spent a week picking up pens off the floor." Matt huffed, remembering the ridiculous exercises for balance. The nurse opened the door of Kelly's room and Casey followed them inside.

Five minutes later Kelly was back in bed, his exasperation evident. He was beyond exhausted, but what he really wanted was to get up and take a few steps on his own...he just needed to prove himself he could do it, prove himself that the monsters hadn't ruined his entire life to a point where there was no way to fix it…He couldn't do that. Scared to voice his heavy thoughts, he rested his eyes on Casey who was leaning in his chair.

"Don't you think it's time you talked to a psychiatrist?" Matt suggested some time later. Even though Casey had been discharged, he had to do his physiotherapy every day just before Kelly's. Then he always spent the rest of the day with his friend, Dawson picking him up in the evening. She, too, had taken a month off to look after him, the rest of Fifty-One returning to full duty, new faces filling in for the missing people on Truck, Clarke leading Squad.

An angry growl escaped Kelly's lips and it looked like he was fighting with his inner self over Casey's suggestion. It was something he had to do if he wanted things to get better, if he wanted a future for himself, a future with a certain detective…

"Shaw's already called Erin twice." Matt added as a reminder that there was a very real court order for his fellow Lieutenant to meet the psychiatrist on a weekly basis. "He can meet you wherever - "

"Okay." Kelly cut his friend off icily, afraid he might change his mind. "You too."

Matt raised his eyebrows in confusion, the look in Kelly's eyes somehow challenging. "Huh?"

"You're not…fooling anyone." Severide rasped out. "You have to...talk to somebody."

Casey's entire body tensed up. "Can't sleep well." He confessed, his head dropping in his hands. He looked up a moment later, meeting Kelly's concern eyes. "Keep seeing Hadley and that smell of chlorine's just following me…Damn it I was terrified!" Matt balled up his fist but stopped himself from slamming it against the small table. "Keep thinking Spellman would get out and come here, and…and do something bad to you."

"Not…happening." Kelly murmured, finding it hard to believe it himself. "Talk to…Shaw."

Matt nodded, his body relaxing in the chair once again. "I'll give him a call."

Xxx

It was five whole days later when Doctor Andreas finally discharged Kelly, handing him an impressive list of written instructions. Benny and Erin took him home, together with a portable oxygen tank and a mask, accompanied by their own manual. Lindsay made sure to write down the dates and times she had to drive Kelly to and from the hospital, for his physiotherapy and all other tests that had to be done every few days…on top of it all, she had already marked the day and time Doctor Show was going to visit their home in her calendar. He had been delighted to finally hear from Matt, quite happy to have the first few session at Lindsay's place, until Severide was fit enough to visit his office…Casey was meeting him a day later.

"Casey and Boden already brought your stuff over." Erin broke the silence in the car, Benny turning left onto Lindsay's street.

With Matt still too weak to pack suitcases and lift heavy items, Boden had volunteered to do it, the two of them now finishing unpacking at Erin's, preparing everything for Kelly's arrival.

Even though Kelly could stand upright for about a minute, getting him to Lindsay's spare bedroom was a bit of a struggle. Erin couldn't help it but wonder how she was going to manage on her own, grateful Benny had offered to sleep on her couch for a few days…maybe it was his way to make up for all the times he had been far away when Kelly had needed him, maybe it was just pure father's love, but yeah, Lindsay appreciated his help.

Three hours later, Boden finally persuaded Casey to leave and get some rest, Chief having to drive him home. Matt promised to stop by before his physiotherapy on the next day. Minutes later, after finding nothing but mouldy ham and cheese in Erin's fridge, Benny headed for the nearest supermarket.

Lindsay was exhausted, but she made her way to the bedroom that had once been Nadia's, stopped at the door and watched Kelly glaring at the small calendar Andres had given him, all important events, test, consultations with specialists marked on it…But Severide wasn't trying to memorize when and where he had to be, he was staring at one specific date, May 13th, the day it had all begun, the day of Spellman's trial.

"You don't have to go." Her husky voice startled him. Kelly placed the calendar on top of the nightstand and glanced at her, Lindsay moving closer to the bed. "Kelly, you know you cannot testify - "

"I don't even…remember…" His voice died out, the rest of the words getting stuck in his throat.

Lindsay shook her head, remaining silent. For Kelly's surprise, she flipped the edge of his blanket and climbed into bed, her warm body coming in contact with his. It wasn't because she didn't have the energy to make it to her room…it was because she felt that she belonged there, under the same blanket that was keeping him warm. She turned onto her left side, head resting on the pillow, and gently put one hand across Kelly's chest, her fingers landing on his biceps…to feel his chest's steady up-down movements was all she needed in that moment.

"It doesn't matter. He gave a full statement, and Voight's making sure he gets a life sentence." Erin vowed, smiling when Kelly's eyelids dropped. She observed his face as he drifted off, finally letting her eyes close a few minutes later.

**Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

**YAY, Kelly remembered some bits and pieces and is out of the hospital, at Erin's ^^ Okay, it somehow made sense to me that Matt's not in position (physically) to really look after Kelly, hope you're not mad at me. And I want to apologize for disrespecting Nadia's death, but Lindsay has her hands full, and I don't want her dealing with Nadia's death right now :) Matt worries about Kelly, Sev worries about Casey, aren't they cute, haha! **

**Thanks for reading! Would love to hear your opinion so p****lease review before you go, thanks :)**


	21. Chapter 21

_Warning:__ The story contains spoilers for season 3, 2 and 1_

_Disclaimer:__ I do not own any of the characters or the plot of Chicago Fire and Chicago PD. I do not own the lyrics of the songs used. I do not own the text taken directly from the show. This story is intended for fun only and I am not making any money with it!_

* * *

**A/N: Flashbacks are in **_**italics**_

* * *

**Chapter 21**

"_C'mon Shay!" _ Kelly's mind screamed, the feeling that he was drowning seizing him. He woke up, gasping for air, two soft hands suddenly pulling him up to a sitting position. Erin's hair was messy, her eyes half-open. They had been napping for about hour and a half, both of them mentally and physically exhausted after Kelly's physiotherapy for the day.

"It's okay." She uttered, kneading his back with one hand, lifting the other one to rub her eyes, giving her fireman a few seconds to come to his senses. She made sure his breathing was back to normal and got up, then left the room and returned moments later with a glass of cold water.

Erin sat on the edge of the bed, watching him empty the glass in seconds. It was her clue to bring him more, but Kelly grabbed her hand before she could stand up, and she let him pull her closer to himself, her head landing on his chest.

She lifted her hand, and glaring straight into his blue eyes, ran her fingers through his way too long hair…

Every fiber of Kelly's body urged him to just hide under the warm blanket and never come out again. But Shaw's words echoed in his head…he had to get out of his comfort zone, trust others, talk…only if it was that easy!

"Did Shaw say anything about the nightmares?" Erin asked firmly. Immediately after his meeting with the shrink, she had taken Kelly to the hospital for physiotherapy, Severide not in a mood to reveal details. Then Andreas had ran a long list of tests, expecting to get all results in the next few days.

Severide closed his eyes for a brief moment, replaying the whole conversation with the psychiatrist in his head…

"_Kelly, you asked to meet me, but for the last ten minutes you haven't said a word." Shaw stated firmly, observing Kelly. Severide was sank into the couch, one hand nervously tapping on the edge of his glass of water, the psychologist sitting on a chair across the coffee table. _

"_I…everything's a mess." Kelly blurted out, his eyes finally meeting Shaw's. _

"_I know." The doctor smiled sadly. "But I cannot help you if you don't tell me exactly what's going on in your head." _

_Kelly nodded, taking a few seconds to find the right words…but he didn't even know where to start from. "I…remember meeting you…just before Casey got kidnapped."_

"_Do you remember what we talked about?" Shaw pushed._

"_Shay." Severide mumbled, the doctor's gut telling him it was just a guess…_

"_More specifically?"_

_Kelly swallowed the lump in his throat. "It's a blur." He admitted. "It's been a whole year and…I remember things…bits and pieces, but…"_

"_It's confusing, isn't it?"_

_Severide didn't have the strength to pretend he was okay. A silent sob escaped his lips. "It's…freakin' frustrating!...I've never felt…so helpless in my life. Cannot control the memories, the nightmares...my body doesn't cooperate. I keep waking up in the middle of the night expecting…" Kelly's voice died out, and he sobbed once again, his frustration growing. _

"_To see Shay?" Shaw finished Severide's sentence, pushing Kelly to reveal more of his bottled-up emotions…for an untrained person it might have seemed harsh, unfair, but for Severide to start dealing with whatever he was feeling, he had to say it out loud first. _

_Kelly nodded, a wave of anger towards the entire world hitting him. With one quick movement of his right hand, he knocked the glass down, spilling water all over his sweatpants. "Sorry." _

"_Does this happen often?"_

"_Yeah!" Kelly snarled. "I cannot do anything! Getting up is a freaking challenge…Casey got injured…and right now he worries more…about me! My father's…abandoned his family…to help here. Erin…she's been through hell. She's put…her life on pause…to look after me, and it kills me I cannot…offer her anything! And I don't even…remember what…why…Spellman…Hadley. We were…a team - "_

"_Kelly!" Show ended Kelly's ramble. Severide's face was pale, his breathing – labored._

_Kelly pressed his eyes shut and sat back, his breathing slowly returning back to normal. "I wanna leave this behind and…get my job back…be the man Erin deserves…be there for Matt like he's for me…I know Shay would have wanted me to…but I'm not sure I can do it…and it terrifies me Hadley and…and Spellman might win after all."_

"_You can do it." The confidence in Shaw's voice forced Kelly to look up, a mixture of hope and fear in his eyes. "But not alone. It seems there are lots of people ready to help you, and believe it or not, they don't expect anything in return. It's called friendship, Kelly…love."_

_Severide wished he hadn't knocked the glass of water down, his dry throat begging him for a sip of the cold liquid. Unable to talk, he moved his head up and down…_

_Shaw smiled and got up, making his way into the small kitchen. As if having read Kelly's mind, or facial expression, the doctor returned with a glass of water seconds later._

"_Asking for help when you need it doesn't make you weak." Shaw stated as a matter of fact, handing the glass to Kelly. "Have you shared everything you've told me with Erin and Matt?" _

"_No…"_

"_You think you can do it? It will help Matt, too."_

_Kelly hesitated for a few seconds, battling his inner demons and fears. "Okay." _

_It was a step forward, a baby step, but it was enough to satisfy Shaw. _

"_Good. So next time we meet you can tell me how it's gone."_

"_Yeah…"_

"_I know the court order states that we have to meet once a week, but my schedule's not that full these days..."_

_Kelly remained silent for a few seconds, his instincts urging him to say no. "Okay." His desire to fix things won._

"_Same time on Friday?"_

_Kelly nodded, but Friday seemed to be so far away in the future…it was only Monday, 11__th__ of May, Wednesday being the day he dreaded so much…but what he didn't know was that the doctor was also going to attend the trial, Casey having asked for his presence…_

***End of flashback***

"Hey, It's okay…you can tell me later." Erin's soft whisper pulled him out of his memories, a tear rolling down his cheek. He felt her warm breath on his face, her gentle touch reminding him he was safe there with her.

He spent the next five minutes revealing all the details from his meeting with Shaw, and she listened carefully, until his voice died out, Lindsay having the feeling that he wanted to ask her something else, but was somehow scarred to do it.

"It doesn't make you weak." She whispered in his ear, and Kelly used the moment to wrap his hands around her neck, her soft lips landing on his…the warmth of her mouth sent a current running through his body, and nothing else mattered in that moment…he didn't have to tell her he loved her, their kiss sealing their bond, their love.

When he sensed that his lungs were running low on oxygen, he slowly pulled back and she didn't protest…they'd have time for that in the months to come.

"Mmmm..." She mumbled, brushing his hair off his forehead.

He locked the fingers of his right hand around hers. "I've got a hair clipper…somewhere." He uttered, thinking of the three important events coming – a dinner with Matt, Gabby, Benny and Erin; the trial and…and the one year anniversary. "Would you…I look like…Yeti..."

"Of course." She smiled, planting another kiss on his cheek.

Xxx

"That smells delicious!" Lindsay complimented, setting the table, Benny gently simmering diced chicken with cream.

"Katie's receipt." Benny smiled, happy he had taken his son's advice to get to know Katie better, even though she was far away in Colorado now. But the cheerful expression on his face was quickly replaced by sadness. "Tomorrow's gonna be hard on everyone." Severide Senior rasped out, turning the stove off.

"Yeah." Lindsay nodded in agreement, more words – unnecessarily. Kelly was pretending that the day of the trial, the day that was going to mark a year since…Shay, didn't exist…But it wasn't too hard for anyone to read his mind, a mind occupied by dark thoughts and memories.

She put the last plate on the table and headed toward the bedroom she was sharing with Kelly. Their shared bed was empty, the water in the bathroom running. She glanced upon the untouched painkillers on the nightstand that he had been supposed to take. Cursing him for being so stubborn to decide to just eat the pain and take a shower on his own, when every movement and every breath was a challenge, she walked to the bathroom door and listened carefully for any sign of a movement inside, her gut churning.

"Kelly." Lindsay pushed the door open, a cloud of steam escaping the small room. She took a few steps forward. "Kelly…" Her heart sank when she saw him sitting in the bathtub, hot water falling on his shoulders. He was still in his boxers, his soaked shirt lying on the floor, his red eyes focused on the post-burn scars on his legs….

"Thought…I could do it." He sounded so defeated, so helpless that Lindsay felt the urge to go to the prison and strangle Spellman with whatever object she could find first.

She got it…he had made his first real step on his own a few hours earlier, and she had to admit that if she was in his shoes, she would have been just as stubborn as he was.

"Can't…get up."

"I know." She uttered, opting not to lecture him again about the painkillers…she knew from experience what he was afraid of – getting addicted again. "Just…let me help you. Casey's gonna be here soon."

But instead of taking her help, he glanced at her, feeling…ashamed.

"I've seen you naked…" She snickered before getting into the bathtub, waiting patiently until he finally grabbed her hand, her clothes getting wet…

Xxx

An hour later they were sitting at the dinner table with Matt, Gabby and Benny who had just served the salad, saving Katie's famous chicken for later.

"Couscous?" Gabby glared at Benny suspiciously and then turned to look at the strange mix of vegetables and couscous in the bowl in front of her, Kelly playing with a slice of tomato in his plate absentmindedly, Matt telling Lindsay about the reason why Boden had declined their dinner invitation – it had something to do with Donna's present for their first anniversary – a quiet night for the two of them and their baby boy, for a change.

But the topic of Casey's and Erin's conversation somehow changed rather quickly to Matt's meeting with Shaw earlier that day. Truck's Lieutenant was trying to fool the detective, or maybe himself, that it had gone well, that the shrink had helped, that he didn't need to see him again…but his tone and the expression on his face were telling a different story. Yes, he had revealed all the details about the kidnapping that he remembered, he had talked about his fears and thoughts even, but he was very far away from actually dealing with those things.

"You meeting him again next week?" Benny shot Casey a concerned glare.

"He is." Dawson replied instead of her fiancé, worry on her face. She, too, was having hard time coping with everything, with the upcoming trial, with the one-year anniversary from the murder of her best friend…she bit her lip to suppress a sob, her mind taking her back to Molly's, same time, one year earlier – Herrmann's drunken speech and… and Shay, their last night together, spent gossiping about Matt's proposal and Kelly, and Devon, and Boden's upcoming wedding.

"Gabby." Matt left his fork on the table and touched her shoulder gently.

"Yeah." She murmured, putting a brave smile on her face. She turned to look at Kelly who was staring at her with a blank expression, his mind having traveled a year back in time, just like hers. "Herrmann's…Herrmann's organizing a thing for Shay…after the trial's over tomorrow." She forced those words out, the warmth of Matt's hand on top of hers - the only thing stopping her from falling apart.

Kelly closed his eyes, suddenly having the feeling that a huge black hole underneath him was pulling him in its direction.

"It's time for - " Benny wanted to end the conversation.

"No…" Kelly uttered, raising his hand to stop his dad from getting up. No, he was stronger than the black hole. He opened his eyes and glared at no one in particular. "Sit." He ordered, his mind screaming _"now or never"._

Casey smirked, Doctor Shaw having hinted about Kelly's "homework" when their meeting had been officially over…

"I'll…I'll be there." Severide glanced upon Dawson before turning to look at Erin. "If you could…give me a lift?"

"Of course."

He moved his head up and down, not trusting his voice to continue…"I…" He swallowed the lump in his throat, four sets of eyes now focused on him. "Thank you for…not giving up on me." He wanted to say a lot more, but it was harder than he had expected it to be.

"Would never give up on you." Matt's voice was steady, even though his emotions weren't. "Be there for each other, right?"

"Right." Kelly mumbled in response, unable to say another word. He promised himself to talk to Matt, really talk to him, about his feelings, his nightmares and his fears, when the trial was over, when they could all breathe a sigh of relief…

Benny patted his son on the back, proud with him, with his desire to fight. He headed for the kitchen and Lindsay followed him to help, Gabby changing the topic of their conversation to Benny's salad that was the best thing she had put in her mouth in weeks.

Xxx

His hands were shaking, his black suit in complete contrast to his pale face…a year ago they had been preparing for Boden's wedding, decorating their firehouse, Shay in charge of the balloons and the cake, and the music…a year…

"Kelly!" Casey raised his voice and Severide looked up, completely lost in his thoughts, hating the wheelchair he was stuck in. "You don't have to do this. We can go home and - "

"I'm not going anywhere!" Kelly cut him off sharply. He had to make sure Spellman would get what he deserved, had to make sure it was all over…

Erin sighed, having had the same debate with him a few times already.

"Let's go inside." Benny suggested, most members of Fifty-One already inside the courtroom, Boden saving seats for the four of them in one of the middle rows.

But before Benny's hands had even landed on the wheelchair to push it forward, Kelly raised his hand as if to stop his father.

"I'll walk." Kelly rasped out, griping the edge of the wheelchair to push himself upright.

"C'mon." Matt's voice was pleading, his own legs barely supporting his weight.

"He's not gonna see me in…this."

Nobody had the strength to argue. It took Benny and Lindsay good five minutes to get Kelly to his seat, Casey sitting on his right side, Erin – on his left

Five minutes before the start of the trial, the courtroom door opened for one last time…the man who walked in, escorted by two officers, wore a smug on his face. Spellman looked around, relieved his daughters weren't there…he would never forgive himself for what he had done to them…he was well aware what sentence he was going to get, despite having given a full statement in order to secure one-to-one meetings with his kids in prison…so he was determined to make them suffer for one last time.

"He's going to rot in jail…" Mouch murmured, not giving Herrmann the chance to say something he would regret…

Xxx

Three hours after the trial had started, Kelly wasn't even pretending to be listening anymore…he had stopped paying attention a few seconds after Spellman had pleaded guilty…but the judge wanted to hear what Voight and his team had to say, Hank having insisted on that, just to make sure the jury would give him the right sentence…then it was Herrmann's turn…and when Christopher's emotions got the better of him, and he started calling Spellman names that even grown-ups shouldn't hear, the judge announced an hour long break. Matt tried to force Kelly to eat something, but Severide refused to take even the bottle of water Lindsay bought…

It was past 2pm when the judge finally called Spellman's name…he took his place behind the witness stand and glanced upon the clock on the wall opposite him before meeting Kelly's eyes.

"Don't." Matt kept his voice low, but firm, and shook his head, leaning forward to block Severide's line of sight.

By the time Spellman had sworn to tell the truth only, both Matt and Erin could hear Kelly's labored breathing…and when he lifted his shaky hand to loosen his tie, it was their clue that he was completely losing it.

Severide sank in his seat and leaned back, sliding his sweaty hands into the pockets of his pants. He could see Spellman opening and closing his mouth, but his mind couldn't understand the meaning of the words said…until Shay's name was mentioned…

"I was watching from a distance." Spellman admitted without a trace of sorrow in his voice…he was proud with himself, and it made everyone, including the jury, sick. "Lieutenant Severide said something to Leslie Shay before they entered the building…actually, I've just noticed the time, quarter to three" His twisted smile grew wider. "I guess it marks a year…I mean, I read Shay's lips at quarter to three, their moment was so heart-breaking… Always."

"_Always."_ Kelly's mind screamed…seconds later he saw himself curled up on the floor of Chicago Med's waiting room…and she was gone. The images of random bars flashed in front of his eyes, Vegas…Brittany…Erin sitting next to him on the floor of the Fire Academy…the fire at Herrmann's house, the memorial service for Shay…Spellman's trap…Hadley's trial…

It was all a mess in his head, a mess that hurt like hell.

"Kelly!"

"Ahhh" He wailed, writhing in pain, struggling to stay conscious as more and more memories rushed into his head...

**Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

**Lol, who wants to wring Spellman's neck now? Something tells me he won't be so mouthy when he gets back into prison…**

**Lots of angst and hurt in this chapter, but hey, Linseride finally kissed, Kelly opened up a bit ^^ Hope you liked their moments.**

**A big thank you to **_**Newperson,**_ **whom I cannot pm back, and everyone else, for the continuous support! You bring a smile on my face each week.**

**Would love to hear your opinion so p****lease review before you go, thanks :)**


	22. Chapter 22

_Warning:__ The story contains spoilers for season 3, 2 and 1_

_Disclaimer:__ I do not own any of the characters or the plot of Chicago Fire and Chicago PD. I do not own the lyrics of the songs used. I do not own the text taken directly from the show. This story is intended for fun only and I am not making any money with it!_

* * *

**A/N: Flashbacks are in **_**italics**_

* * *

**Chapter 22**

"_Always." Kelly's mind screamed…seconds later he saw himself curled up on the floor of Chicago Med's waiting room…and she was gone. The images of random bars flashed in front of his eyes, Vegas…Brittany…Erin sitting next to him on the floor of the Fire Academy…the fire at Herrmann's house, the memorial service for Shay…Spellman's trap…Hadley's trial…_

_It was all a mess in his head, a mess that hurt like hell._

"_Kelly!" _

"_Ahhh" He wailed, writhing in pain, struggling to stay conscious as more and more memories rushed into his head..._

Kelly was unaware of the chaos in the courtroom, was unaware that he was holding his head in his hands, whimpering, his brain unable to process a year worth of memories. Two officers guided Spellman out through the back exit, the judge announcing a break, sending most people away.

"Severide!" Boden's voice boomed when Kelly didn't respond to Matt's and Erin's soft pleas.

Brett and Mills knelt between him and the front row of seats, Shaw joining them seconds later, Chili watching in horror together with the rest of Truck, Squad and Voight's team…after everything that had happened, Peter had left to start a new restaurant with his family, getting back to Chicago for the trial only.

"Lieutenant, stay in the present." Brett instructed. "Look at me."

"Kelly…" Erin grabbed his hand against her own better judgment. He trembled in agony before trying to jerk his arm free.

"No…NO" Kelly wailed, frantically pushing her arm with his other hand.

"Don't." Mills shook his head, and Lindsay finally realized that she had to let go…that people experiencing a panic attack didn't like to be touched, that her feelings in that moment were irrelevant…

"Give him some space!" Matt barked at the crowd of worried firefighters, Brett making a step to the right so that Shaw could get closer to his patient.

"C'mon, show's over!" Herrmann urged the firefighters to leave, Voight leading his people toward the door.

"_I started the fire that took the life of your precious Leslie Shay…say hello - " _Kelly saw himself standing in front of the firehouse just after the memorial service for Shay, Spellman approaching him with a smug on his face…as if he was in a low quality horror movie.

"Kelly, you're safe. Everyone's safe." Shaw reasoned, but his words didn't mean anything to Severide.

"_I was devastated when I heard." _Spellman stood right in front of him…next, he was face-to-face with Hadley in prison.

"Kelly!" Matt raised his voice, and for their relief Severide finally lifted his head, fixing his vacant eyes on Casey. "I know how scary those memories are, but it's over now."

"Breathe with me." Shaw instructed, making sure Kelly could see him. The doctor took a deep breath through the nose, exhaling through the mouth, and Severide tried to follow, finding it hard to focus, his head spinning, the headache…"Breathe with me." Shaw ordered firmly, scared that the hyperventilation might hurt Severide's already damaged lungs.

"Hurts…" Kelly uttered, leaning forward, resting his elbows on his knees, burying his head in his hands once again.

"Anyone…anyone got Ibuprofen or Acetaminophen?" Mills asked, moving his eyes from one person to another.

"Here." Benny slid his hand into the inner pocket of his jacket, wrapping his fingers around the very small bottle of pain-relief pills.

"Take these." Shaw ordered in a soft voice. Kelly looked up, lifted his shaky hand, grabbed the two pills from Benny's hand and stuffed them into his mouth, then took the uncapped bottle of water Erin offered and swallowed the pills, hoping for instantaneous relief even though he knew it would take five-ten minutes for it to come.

"Now make a fist with your left hand." Shaw spoke again, but Severide didn't register his words. "Come on, Kelly, make a fist with your left hand."

Kelly squeezed his eyes shut in an unsuccessful attempt to stop the pain and finally balled up his fist.

"Squeeze…hold it tight…and relax your hand…now do the same with your right hand."

Shaw made Severide switch hands six more times until Kelly got too tired to continue, his body and mind finally relaxing, the ibuprofen doing its magic.

"You remembered?" Lindsay mumbled, avoiding physical contact with him no matter how hard it actually was.

"Yeah…maybe…I don't know." Kelly muttered, looking at her with glassy, confused eyes. She took it as a sign to finally pull him closer to herself, and this time he didn't protest.

"Let's go home." Casey suggested hesitantly, Shaw shooting him a glance that said no.

"Let him deal with it." The doctor whispered so that only Matt and the judge who had joined them to assess the situation could hear him. "He needs to see it's over with his own eyes. You, too, Matt"

"When?" Casey raised his voice, glaring upon the judge as if it was all her fault.

"Forty-five minutes break left…we need Spellman's full testimony, but I think jury's already made its decision."

Matt shook his head in frustration, not sure if they had the mental strength to sit there for another two-three hours…he turned to look at his friend, the corners of his mouth lifting to form a small smile when he saw Kelly dozing off in Lindsay's lap, Erin gently running her fingers through his hair over and over again…he returned to his seat, the physical and mental exhaustion, and the ibuprofen having taken their toll on Severide. Casey sat there, in silence, hoping that half an hour unrestful sleep would be enough to get his fellow Lieutenant through the rest of the trial…

Xxx

"Bastard." Mouch muttered, Spellman having just revealed all the details from their plan to set a trap for Fifty-one, hoping that the tall building would take at least one life…it had, on the same day, a year earlier, a day that had been supposed to be happy – Boden's wedding…but Spellman hated Boden, hated everyone from that house, and in his mind it was all just perfect…in his mind, right there, while he was revealing the details from the witness stand, it all looked perfect, because he could see their tormented faces, he had heard Kelly's scream…they were broken, their firehouse, their family was broken…

"Someone has to - "

"It's taken care of." Benny cut Herrmann off, not taking his eyes off Spellman. "His cellmate…owns me the life of his kid. Hank knows." It was all Severide Senior needed to say, and they understood…it wasn't going to erase the past year, it wasn't going to bring her back…wasn't going to bring their Leslie Shay back…but at least he couldn't hurt anyone else, ever again…

"Ten minutes!" The judge announced, Spellman getting escorted back to his seat...in ten minutes, they would hear the sentence, and maybe…maybe, they would finally turn the page.

"How's the headache?" Matt glared at Kelly, glad to see some color back on his friend's face.

"Better." Severide mumbled, still processing what exactly had happened…was he so week that a bunch of memories could cause a panic attack?

"You remembered?"

"Think so…it's…one big mess in my head right now." Kelly murmured, a scowl on his face.

"Felt the same way…after the head injury."

"Which one?" Severide snickered, his expression clouding once again.

"Both of them…you were still…sleeping." Matt smartly opted not to say coma. "When it hit me. Give it some time."

"Yeah…seems like - "

"Guys." Erin uttered, ending their conversation, a member of the jury getting up, a piece of paper in his hand.

Kelly visibly tensed up, clenching his jaw, sitting up straight, his hand searching for Lindsay's, finding some comfort in her soft touch.

During the few seconds while the middle-aged man was preparing to announce the decision, it was so quiet that Kelly could hear his own rapid breathing, his heart beating faster…

"We, the jury find the defendant John Spellman, guilty of all charges, and assess his punishment as a life without the possibility of parole."

The announcement was followed by an explosion of victorious voices, Herrmann and Otis exclaiming "Yes!" at the same time as Joe looked up, murmuring "Thank you" to his God or whatever power he believed in, Mouch grinning in satisfaction, Benny and Voight exchanging a look that said this was only the beginning for the man responsible for so much pain, so many tears and sleepless nights…

"It's over." Boden mumbled not quite believing it yet, and Mills patted his back, the corners of Clarke's lips lifting up.

Gabby remained speechless, her glassy eyes betraying her emotions…but those were tears of happiness…she smiled and Matt leaned in her direction, their kiss – a symbol of pure love.

Chili wrapped Brett in a hug, and even though neither of them had known Shay, to a certain extend they were also victims of that monsters, their family was a victim of that monster.

"It's over." Erin whispered, Kelly barely suppressing a wave of tears...

"Yeah." It was all he could mutter, but it was enough. Lindsay pulled him in her arms, their hearts beating as one in that moment…it was over…a war with too many casualties, too many broken hearts and broken homes, too many broken dreams and broken hopes, but it was over, forever…

Xxx

A few hours later they were all at Molly's, many people from District Twenty-one there as well, to show their support once again, to honor the life of Leslie Shay…yes, they were all there to celebrate Leslie Shay, they had had a year to mourn, it was time to celebrate...

Lindsay headed toward the rare of the bar where Voight and her team stood…she hadn't had the chance to thank them for….for being there for her, for them.

Kelly remained seated at one of the tables, Capp, Cruz and Otis heatedly discussing something next to him…he was beyond exhausted already, the throbbing headache not leaving him…but he was among family now, feeling safer. He lifted his eyes from the glass of orange juice in his hands and looked around, studying all the photos of Shay and members of Fifty-one that Herrmann and Otis had hung on the walls…grinning faces, stupid faces, mock faces, Shay sitting in his chair at the Squad's table, a huge smile plastered on her face.

"_I'm so damn proud of you, Kelly." _He fixed his gaze on the biggest picture, carefully positioned on the counter, surrounded by flowers…she stood in front of ambo, waving at the camera…he remembered Darden telling the stupidest joke ever in the exact same moment, Shay had chuckled…"_And if I were straight, I'd throw the biggest hump into you right now."_ Yes, even then, in the wake of his addiction to painkillers, she had found a way to bring happiness back on their faces…Kelly smiled, not taking his eyes off the photo as his mind dwelt upon more memories of her…this time there was no panic attack, no angst…this time it felt as if he found a piece of himself, even for a little while, Shay was there, with them, with her family, with him, with the woman he loved, with the man he considered brother…

"Here." Clarke slammed a beer on the table in front of Severide, gently placing another one in front of Cruz, pulling Kelly out of his thoughts, Casey right next to him with a glass of red juice.

"Can't." Kelly looked up and Jeff eyed him mimicking disappointment, barely suppressing a laugh after having had four beers already.

"You two back in preschool?" Clarke muttered, shooting Casey a glance, grinning when Joe reached for his beer.

"Had a bunch of pills for dessert." Matt huffed, no need to say that Kelly was still on antibiotics, pain killers…

Clarke shook his head, placing an empty beer bottle on the table before grabbing the full one.

"Hey Lieutenant - " Joe raised his voice, Otis elbowing him.

"Actually" Clarke cut him off, remaining serious getting harder with every sip of beer. "He's not your Lieutenant…since yesterday."

"Huh?" Cruz and Matt mumbled at the same time, eyes focused on the ex-marine.

"Scott Rice left Squad, you know being a single parent and after…well, he's got a teaching post at the Academy, he seemed happy."

Kelly nodded in agreement even though it was the first time he heard the news…he hadn't found the courage to approach Rice after what had happened with Logan…and he made a mental note to do it, soon.

"So, there's an opening." Jeff continued, Cruz observing with a mixture of excitement and disbelief on his face. "And, Cruz, apparently you have completed your Squad training recently…so if Lieutenant Severide here doesn't mind - "

"No, I…it's your…" Kelly bit his lips, stopping himself from saying that it was Clarke's Squad now. "Squad needs men like you." He extended his arm, exchanging a handshake with the newest member of Squad 3, Jeff's Squad 3…

"Cheers to that."

"Clarke, you - " Herrmann shouted from the behind the counter, the second half of his sentence getting lost amongst so many other voices.

"Hafta go." Jeff smirked and just left, Casey turning around to see what the rush was all about.

Kelly rose to his feet, determined to make it all the way to the rare of bar where Erin was still talking to Voight and Antonio, but he stumbled before he even took a step forward, grabbing the edge of the table. The noise forced Matt to look back at him, catching him by the arm, Kelly gripping Casey's sleeve with his other hand in a desperate attempt to not end up on the floor. Truck's Lieutenant helped him sit back on the stool, glad his weak muscles didn't betray him, and raised his eyebrows to question his stubborn friend's actions. The scene was enough to attract Lindsay's attention, but Casey lifted his hand, out of Kelly's sight, to tell her he had it under control.

"Damn legs." Severide muttered, his curse directed to both his weak muscles and still painful burns.

"Heard you're going for a swim tomorrow."

"Yeah, Casey…my body's that crap I need aqua therapy." Kelly snapped, regretting his tone immediately…he had completely ignored the results from his most recent tests, his attention fully focused on the trial and the anniversary…but Andreas had told him his lung's function hadn't improved much, the regular physiotherapy quickly leaving him out of breath, every movement of his rusty joints - too painful…so he was starting aqua therapy that was supposed to improve his pulmonary function, decrease the pain, calm him down, fight the anxiety…it was supposed to, but Kelly had a hard time believing it.

"Doesn't look that bad."

Kelly huffed, clenching his jaw. "All I have to do is lie in the water wearing stupid floats while Martin's trying to fix…me."

"Hey." Casey kept his voice low, but firm. "I hate this as much as you do…the whole having to be patient thing…talking to Shaw helps, but…the physiotherapy, the speech therapy drive me crazy…but what other choice do we have?!"

"Feel useless." Severide grimaced, glancing upon Erin.

"It sucks." Matt admitted sourly. "It takes five minutes after I wake up to get a coherent sentence out of my mouth…I stand upright for a bit longer, or carry groceries, and my fingers start twitching…"

"She would have kicked our asses by now." Kelly's lips formed a smile full of sadness, his eyes pointing the big picture of Shay. "When…when I woke up at the hospital…she was there with me…the same way she never left my room after the neck surgery."

Matt grinned, remembering the short tempered, sleep deprived Shay from after the surgery…and then, magically, the moment Kelly had opened his eyes, all negative emotions had been erased, the smile returning on her face…

"I keep having those nightmares of…of her, of her dead body…Hadley and Spellman are standing there…"

"I know." Matt reminded softly, having witnessed him having the nightmares million times…but this was the first time ever Kelly talked about the problem, and meant a lot. "It's over…they are over."

"Yeah." Kelly took a sip of his juice, getting lost in his thoughts for a brief moment. He lifted his eyes to meet Casey's. "What you did for me…if it wasn't for you and Erin…thanks."

Matt replied with a nod, watching as Kelly raised his juice glass. "To Shay."

"To Shay." Matt raised his raspberry juice for a toast. With the corners of his eyes, he saw Boden and Donna heading for the bar, Gabby ready to give them what seemed to be vodka with coke.

"Chief." Matt shouted and Boden turned in the direction of his Lieutenant's voice, spreading his hands. "To you. Happy anniversary!" Casey lifted his glass once again, a toast between the members of their big family following.

A couple of minutes later, Herrmann escaped the cheerful crowd around Kelly's table, grabbed a menu from the counter and stopped in front of Shay's smiling face. "Okay, listen up everybody!" Christopher waited until he got everyone's full attention. "Molly's updated its menu." He motioned for Otis to come closer and get everyone a menu from the pile behind him…a long minute later everyone was holding a copy, puzzled. "Page one…c'mon people."

"Cinco de Mayo" Otis pointed the alcoholic drinks section on page one. "Shay's recipe."

Kelly swallowed hard, Erin nearing him from behind, wrapping her hands around his neck. "Found your DVDs." She whispered softly, referring to Kelly collection of videos of him and Shay…she knew the one with the colorful letters saying "Cinco de Mayo" was somehow special, but still had no idea why, or what that Mexican holiday name meant to him.

"Dawson finally agreed to give Molly's Shay's recipe for the best summer cocktail I've ever tried." Herrmann grinned…their bar would have never made it without Shay…it was her bar, too.

Kelly lifted his head and Erin planted a warm kiss on his lips. "I love you." He mumbled so that only she heard him, earning himself another hot kiss…

Xxx

"You need anything?" Spellman's neighbor for the years to come grumbled, balling up his fists…he was a big guy, Latin-American, a tattoo of a dragon covering half of his face.

Spellman didn't reply. Instead, a guard unlocked the door of his cell, and another one pushed him inside, locking it and disappearing out of sight a couple of seconds later. The smell of urine hit him immediately, his eyes darting around the tiny room, paint peeling off the grayish walls. The bunk bed was ancient, an unstable ladder leading to his, upper bed. He looked up, but before he placed the set of sheets, pillow case and duvet cover in his hands on the mattress, two sharp knees connected with the back of his. Spellman fell on his knees, and a hand gripped the back of his head, then slammed it against the bed's frame…he felt blood dripping down his nose, but couldn't do anything to stop it. Instead, his cellmate slid his hand into the cover of his pillow, pulling out a matchbox…

"A gift…from Sergeant Voight and Benny Severide." Spellman couldn't see the wide smile that spread across his cellmate's face…

**Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

**Lots of emotions in this one, told ya Spellman wouldn't get away with it, now he's gonna have "fun" in jail. Wasn't easy, but Kelly finally remembered, and he's starting to open up – hope you liked the talk with Matt, they needed it. They're finally able to remember Shay with a smile, and now they have a part of her in their menu (and Molly's). Kelly finally said those simple three words to Erin…**

**Okay, one more chapter and an epilogue left. **

**Would love to hear your opinion so p****lease review before you go, thanks :)**


	23. Chapter 23

_Warning:__ The story contains spoilers for season 3, 2 and 1_

_Disclaimer:__ I do not own any of the characters or the plot of Chicago Fire and Chicago PD. I do not own the lyrics of the songs used. I do not own the text taken directly from the show. This story is intended for fun only and I am not making any money with it!_

* * *

**Chapter 23**

_***Two months later***_

"Mmmm." Kelly moaned as she slid her hand down the warm skin of his back, their naked bodies moving up and down as one, completing each other, erasing the memories and the thoughts of the past fourteen months.

His body tightened around hers, and she closed her eyes. The pure, animal-like act send a current running through her entire body, and in that moment Erin stopped breathing. A cry of pure pleasure escaped her lips before she gasped for some air. Kelly's body jerked for one last time before his muscles relaxed, and he rested on top of her.

Erin took another breath through her nose, his natural, manly odor making her want more. She bit his bottom lip and he didn't even try to pull back…maybe if they stayed there, motionless, speechless, their moment would last forever, maybe they wouldn't need to start another challenging day…maybe.

Kelly opened his eyes and slowly moved his lips down her neck, planting one last kiss on her bare chest before his body slumped on the mattress, his leg remaining in contact with hers.

"I missed…this…you." She mumbled, turning on her side.

"Yeah?" He grinned, also turning on his side, the tip of his nose touching hers.

Kelly glanced upon the small clock on the nightstand behind Lindsay, silently cursing how quickly time had gone. "Need to shower."

But Erin didn't let go. She gripped his hand, wrapping her fingers around his, her eyes staring straight into his, as if trying to see all the way down to his soul. She could read him like nobody else after Shay…and she could tell when he was bottling-up his fears and emotions. Through the meetings with Shaw, Kelly had learned to open up, had learned to share…but there were moments when he was still trying to hide behind a brave façade, but neither she, nor Matt would let it last.

"You know I can come into his office with you today." She uttered, her husky voice bringing him back to reality…the reality where he had to get up and prepare himself for more bad news regarding his recovery, or lack of physical recovery, from Andreas.

"No." He shook his head, his expression clouding. "Need to…face it alone first."

"And then you'll tell me the truth? Right?" She pressed, gently reminding him of the last time when he had told her that his lungs had been getting healthier, the oxygen levels in his blood increasing significantly….it had been a lie…he had lied to her, to Matt, to his dad who was back in Kenosha already, to Boden…to himself, mainly to himself…and he had collapsed in Martin's hands, on the treadmill, while pushing himself way over his limits.

"Of course." He vowed, leaning forward…he bit the tip of her ear, and she giggled, warming the cockles of his heart once again. Then he slowly got up, grateful that he could at least walk steadily, and headed toward the bathroom...Erin followed, sliding into the room just before he closed the door…

An hour later they were fully dressed and ready to go, Kelly still unable to drive, having to rely on Erin and Matt…He looked at his reflection in the mirror – his loose jeans reminding him that he hadn't gained even half of the weight he had lost…as if he was a shadow of the masculine firemen from before.

Kelly's face twisted in a grimace, and he was thankful Erin wasn't in the room to see the expression of defeat, self-pity. He took his eyes off the mirror and made his way into the kitchen. Erin moved their empty coffee mugs into the sink, grabbed her car keys and followed him out of her apartment…she could tell he was anxious, pretending to be ready for more bad news when every fiber of his body prayed for a single good one, for a glimpse of hope he could save his career. And she just knew it, her fireman wouldn't heal completely, ever, unless he got his Squad back.

Kelly wanted to take the stairs to the fourth floor of the hospital, a part of him trying to prove himself he could climb steps, a part of him dreading the meeting, wanting to delay it, but he knew he wouldn't make it so opted for the elevator. He closed his eyes for a second, sighed heavily, knocked on the door once and walked in.

"So?" Severide raised his eyebrows, not in the mood for pleasantries or for beating around the bush.

"Compared to two weeks ago, tidal volume and vital capacity have increased, but inspiratory capacity's the same. Carbon monoxide diffusion looks better. The tomography shows lung infiltrates, which is to be expected at this stage."

"And compared to normal?"

"Look, Kelly, I've already told you, you - "

"Hafta be patient?" Kelly growled, that word making him sick.

"Yes!" Andreas answered sharply. "Twelve weeks ago you were dying in my hands. Ask Erin what prognosis I made…today, you walk on your own and remember everything about the past year…I consider it an achievement.

Kelly just snorted in frustration, not proud with his achievement at all.

"I like the results from the six minute walking test." Andreas continued, the sheet of paper in his hands telling him the distance Kelly had managed to walk over six minutes on a flat surface. "And the CT scan looks normal. I think you can start training on the treadmill to build up some muscle mass…for real this time" The doctor smirked, although he hadn't been that happy when his patient had lied to the physiotherapist in a desperate attempt to prove himself something, leading to a seizure …that day, the doctor had been slow to update Kelly's file, and Martin had trusted Kelly to tell the truth about the tests' results.

"About that - "

"It's okay. Just today, tell them the truth, okay?"

"Yeah."

"Heard Matt's passed the psych test and is preparing for the physical." Andreas changed the subject, genuinely concerned for the well-being of the blonde Lieutenant.

Kelly nodded to confirm the rumor, glaring at Andreas with questioning eyes…

"Ask me again in a few months." The doctor answered firmly…yes, he would be able to make prognosis about Kelly's career in four-six months when he knew more about his patient's physical and mental recovery…

Xxx

_***Two months later***_

Matt slammed the door of his truck shut, his eyes fixed on the figure of his friend. It was getting dark, no trace of the warm sun they had had during one of the last summer days. Kelly was sitting on a bench in a small park not far away from the apartment he and Erin shared, dressed in sweatpants and a dark t-shirt, his eyes inspecting his running shoes, his thoughts directed in many directions, none of them happy.

"Erin's worried." Casey stated firmly, sitting down next to Severide.

"You called her?" Kelly uttered, looking in the opposite direction.

"Yeah, after you called me." Truck's Lieutenant rubbed his eyes, unsure what exactly had happened…Kelly had been making some progress, his psychological recovery going well, the physical – painfully slow, as expected. Now he was as lost as he had been months earlier, desperation on his face. "She said you've literally ran out of the apartment - "

"Had to clear my head."

"And?"

"I don't know, Casey!" Severide met Matt's eyes for a second before leaning forward, burying his head in his hands. A tear rolled down his cheek and he wiped it away before looking up, hoping his fellow Lieutenant hadn't noticed. "You're back and…it's not getting better." He whispered the last part…he was happy for Casey, that he had passed the PAT and psych tests, that he was going back to Fifty-one starting next shift…and he was mad at himself, at his crap body, for not recovering. Yes, he could walk, he remembered, could run even…for a few minutes, until he was out of air, exhausted.

"It's too soon - "

"It's been nearly five months! I'm sick of sitting on my ass!"

"So? You just give up and let Spellman, and Hadley win? Because this is what you're doing right now!"

"There's an opening at AI…" Kelly mumbled, his tone proving that he was grasping at straws, desperate to be doing something useful.

"And you'll be happy there?"

Kelly's silence told Matt what he needed to know. "Why don't you come to Fifty-one with me tomorrow? The guys will be happy to see you." Casey was well aware his friend hadn't set foot in their firehouse for months, scared to see that life was going on without him, scared that Clarke was running his Squad so well that they didn't need him…it wasn't true of course, they all needed him back, Jeff wanted him back.

"And do what?" Severide snapped, angry with himself only. "They're doing just fine without me."

"They are doing just fine without me, too." Casey reasoned, but his words couldn't get through Severide's thick skull. "Clarke and I will run you drills, protocols…"

"Yeah?" Kelly raised his eyebrows, a sparkle of hope in his eyes.

"Yeah." Matt nodded firmly. "Just…if you feel it's too much you tell me, okay? Otherwise Boden and Erin will have my head on a platter."

"You know I'd have to take the Lieutenant's exam…the head injury - "

"We practice together." Casey was an expert now, having taken it himself a few weeks earlier…

"Okay…"

"Kelly, you're not ready to be back yet…hell I'm not sure if I'm ready to be back, but we'll get there, I promise."

Xxx

_***Three months later***_

"So what did you tell Erin?" Matt finally voiced the question that had been bugging him ever since leaving Chicago to follow his stubborn friend to Tallahassee. He left his tablet aside, on his bed in the not that big hotel room, and looked up at a shirtless Severide who had just taken an hour long shower.

"That we're on a trip to Florida to escape the Chicago winter." Kelly grinned, throwing his rucksack on his bed and skimming through its content as if looking for the perfect shirt. "She needs a break from me, too. Five days of freedom would be good for her."

"Gabby said the exact same thing…about herself." Casey snickered. "The blue one." He pointed the button shirt in his friend's left hand…Kelly had gained a considerate amount of weight back, his muscles – much bigger, his body much stronger…

"She wouldn't - "

"She doesn't know." Matt cut him off, Kelly looking around for his deodorant. "Have you decided when you're gonna propose?"

Severide remained silent for a few seconds…yes, he loved Detective Erin Lindsay…yes, he wanted to spend his life with her…but he knew well he was still on the way to recovery where not every day was a happy one, where there were mornings when he woke up, screaming Shay's or Hadley's name, where he hadn't been paid salary in ten months, because of the suspension and the way too long medical leave, where he had to rely on her, and Matt, and his dad for money, because who needed their boat repaired in mid-December…

"No…not yet…." Kelly uttered, sitting on the edge of his bed, fixing his eyes on the floor, trying to get control over the wave of emotions that had just hit him.

Casey leaned forward and placed his hand on his friend's shoulder, waiting patiently until Severide looked up, meeting his gaze. "Let's get you that divorce from Brittany first…a step at a time."

"Yeah…you saw me the other day, Casey, I wouldn't pass neither of the tests now…and I need…need more time to figure things out before I ask her to marry me."

"She'd say yes."

"I know…that's why I need to be one hundred percent."

Matt smiled, knowing he would have probably wanted the same thing…he had wanted the same thing before he had approached Gabby one night regarding their postponed wedding. "Thirteenth of July." He mumbled, a wide smile spreading across his face.

"Huh?"

"Dawson and I…We're getting married on the thirteenth of July. We've got enough time to figure out our working together problem…"

The grin on Matt's face was matched by an even wider one on Severide's…

"I need a best man…just, no Vegas trips, okay?"

Kelly laughed, nodding firmly before shaking Matt's hand…sealing their bond forever.

Xxx

_***Two months later***_

"I heard a crack and got to the upper floor just before the stairs collapsed." Cruz explained enthusiastically to Squad 3 and three firefighters from another house, Herrmann shooting him a glance from behind the counter of Molly's, Kelly pretending to be listening, his mind worrying about the tests he had taken in the past two days…he knew he had been slow on the PAT, almost tripping over on the stair climb with equipment, the dummy drag leaving him out of breath. By the time he'd had to run mile and a half, he had been exhausted, his body protesting against every movement…he had seen the look on the examiner face when he had finally reached the finish line, although the official results would be announced after his paper tests were marked and a CFD psychiatrist, who had evaluated him, announced her decision.

Maybe Kelly wasn't ready yet, maybe he had gone way over his limits again, too stubborn to listen to Andreas and give himself a month, or two more to rest.

"So I ran to the northwest end and heard a cry…she was four-five maybe." Cruz added, having spent the past fifteen minutes rambling about his big safe on Squad…he was a good fit, doing a great job, saving lives. Brian had been driving Truck 81 for ten months, being happier than ever. Gabby was in charge of the elevators…their new candidate was good – young, brave, looking up to Casey.

"She okay now?" The Lieutenant of Truck 44 asked, reminding Kelly that he was supposed to be listening to the story. He took a sip of his beer, having no idea that behind his back, Clarke exchanged a concerned glance with Matt, a look that said "get Erin to pick him up."

Severide turned his head, narrowing his eyes, spying Boden as he left the bar, his mobile pressed against his ear.

"She's going home in two days." Cruz smiled, but Severide felt as if he didn't belong there, to that conversation…he left his beer on the counter and pushed himself upright, Herrmann's eyes following his every moment in confusion.

"Will be back." Kelly uttered to Casey before making his way out through door, just as Boden slid his mobile back into his pocket.

"Chief Tiberg." Chief explained, the defeated expression on his Lieutenant's face breaking his heart…nobody had believed it would take their Squad 3 Lieutenant a year and more to recover, to heal, to come back to them and do what he did best – save lives. But it seemed that Andreas prognosis was correct and they could only thank that invisible power somewhere there that had kept him alive…because they would never forget the doctor's words that day - chance of full recovery - fifteen percent, before Kelly's lung had collapsed complete…then they had been told to forget about the fifteen percent, that it would be a miracle if he ever woke up…maybe that invisible power was Shay…yes, it had to be Shay, Shay would never leave them, ever.

"Chief - " Severide uttered, leaning on the side of Molly's, sliding down all the way to the ground where he sat, cursing himself, and Hadley, and Spellman, but mostly himself…"Thought I could do it…"

"You've scored very high on the written tests." Boden sat next to his Lieutenant, being so powerless driving him crazy. "On the physical - "

"I was slow…got tired." Kelly forced himself to admit…his Lieutenant failing the PAT wasn't what worried Boden…what he couldn't live with was Kelly doubting himself, sounding as if he was giving up.

"Kelly, Andres told you to wait another month, or two. You've passed the theoretical and the Lieutenant's test, you can take the PAT again next month."

"And if I fail again? Maybe…maybe it's time I…I stopped trying and - "

"You take it again. And I promise you, I, and Tiberg, and the whole CFD have your back. No one's putting you on permanent disability…you've come too far to give up now."

Kelly nodded and Chief took it as a good sign. With the corners of his eyes he spotted Erin getting off her car, heading in their direction, visibly disturbed. Boden patted Severide's shoulder before slowly getting up to meet the detective.

"The results?" She ventured a guess, Boden nodding for a yes.

"He'll be okay." Chief mumbled before heading back inside, giving the couple a moment of privacy.

Kelly looked up, a gorgeous smile greeting him…he wanted to give her everything, marry her, finally have a real family…he couldn't do it without having his job back first, it was a part of who he was…and he was going to get it back.

"Come on." Lindsay extended her arm and Kelly grabbed her hand, getting up…her eyes, her soft skin. His grip tightened and he pulled her closer to himself until he could feel her warm breath on his face.

"I know how to cheer you up." She whispered to his ear.

"Mmm." He grinned…her presence there, in his clasp - enough to bring a smile back on his face. "I've got ideas, too."

Xxx

_***Two months later***_

"Chief, heard the little man's running around the house already." Brett smiled, remembering Donna moaning about their son never getting tired as if already preparing for the Fire Academy.

"Yeah, and for some reason he keeps saying "oh boy" every time we put him down for a nap!" Boden raised his voice, glancing at Herrmann, but there was no anger in it…Christopher had been of a great help, his experience with raising kids – precious.

They laughed for a few seconds until Boden raised his hand. Everyone in the briefing room of House Fifty-One stopped talking, staring at their leader.

"Just got Kelly Severide's PAT results…"

**Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

**Yay, I couldn't stop writing last weekend so actually managed to get it done on time ^^**

**Hope you didn't hate the time jumps, I wanted to emphasize a few important moments during their "recovery", and it is a long, year-long, one, so it felt right to do it. **

**Linseride's moving forward…Kelly's planning to ask her something important, if he gets his job back…hmmm, next update's going to be the final one, what would the PAT result be? Matt did it, but is Kelly coming back…and is he going to ask her that question? **

**Would love to hear your opinion on Linseride, the bromance and everything else, so p****lease revew, thanks :)**


	24. Chapter 24

_Warning:__ The story contains spoilers for season 3, 2 and 1_

_Disclaimer:__ I do not own any of the characters or the plot of Chicago Fire and Chicago PD. I do not own the lyrics of the songs used. I do not own the text taken directly from the show. This story is intended for fun only and I am not making any money with it!_

* * *

**Chapter 24**

_***Two weeks later***_

"Okay, everybody out, NOW!" Chief's voice boomed over the radio, thick, black smoke escaping the small residential care home in front of him. Through what was left of the windows, he could see flames eating the unstable structure inside out…it was bad, he had seen too many fires, he knew when it was time to go defensive.

It seemed that the fire had started somewhere on the second floor of the three-story property. Luckily, ten out of the twelve elderly living there had made it out before the arrival of House Fifty-one…one was missing, another one was stuck in her room on the top floor, together with a nurse. Otis and Herrmann had found the body of another nurse on the stairwell, a piece of ceiling on top of her...

Chief bit his lips, having to remind himself to breathe in the few seconds until Herrmann and Otis ran through the door. Casey and their candidate appeared next, supporting the missing man's weight until Chili and Brett positioned him on the gurney, providing an oxygen mask.

"C'mon Squad!" Boden barked, a sense of urgency in his voice. He took a step forward nervously, exhaling in relief when Cruz and Tony finally emerged from the unstable building, Tony's oxygen mask and tank missing.

"Clarke's out of oxygen…" Tony explained briefly, afraid to meet Chief's eyes…if looks could kill…

"CLARKE! SEVERIDE!" Boden yelled, Casey and Mouch on standby behind him, Herrmann and Cruz holding their masks in their hands, ready to run back inside.

"_I've got them Chief! We're coming out now!"_ Clarke answered. _"Severide, I've got them, get out_!_"_ He added, assuming Kelly was still searching for the victims. Clarke had headed east, Severide - in the opposite direction, in an attempt to get to the two women in time…

"You're running out of time!" Boden grumbled, squeezing the radio so hard…

A loud thunder sounded from the deadly structure, grabbing everyone's attention…terrifying them. It was nearing midnight of May twelfth…it was nearing a deadly date, a date they dreaded, despite that it was Boden's wedding day as well…he and Donna were officially celebrating their anniversary on the fourteenth, never wanting to associate it with losing Leslie Shay, with the nightmare they had lived in for many months…

"Clarke!"

"_Roof collapsed! East side!"_ Jeff's voice didn't show the distress that had overwhelmed him. He was the Lieutenant of Squad 3, he had to stay calm and find a solution. _"A Piece of ceiling's blocking the corridor! Can't go back either!"_

"_I'm coming!"_ Kelly announced, both Boden and Matt sighing heavily…it was Kelly's only third shift back, and he was already playing the hero.

"Chief, I'm - "

"No one is going back in!" Chief had to grab Casey's wrist to stop him, pulling him back to where the other Truck members stood, eyes widened.

"_It's too unstable."_

"_Ahhh, damn!" _

They all had to stand there, motionless, and listen to Kelly cursing the flames, and the structure, and their damn luck.

"_You touch it, this place's gonna burry us alive!"_

"_I'm not leaving you!"_

Xxx

"My office, NOW!" Boden grumbled, his eyes pointing three of the men who had just jumped off their rigs. They were all exhausted, the morning sun rising above their house, highlighting their weary expressions, and the dust covering them. It had taken Fifty-one all night to put out the fire and do a secondary search…

Casey was the last to enter Chief's office, already having an idea what it was about, the rest of the firehouse gathering in the common room for breakfast before the end of a long shift.

"Close the door." Boden instructed, rubbing his tired eyes before collapsing in his chair behind the desk, the other three men remaining upright.

"Chief - " Kelly exclaimed louder than he had intended to, opening and then closing his arms for no reason. "Couldn't just abandon them."

"Wouldn't have made it out alive without him, Chief." Clarke added, shooting a glance at Severide. "

"I know." Boden nodded, without a trace of anger on his face. "You saved three lives today. Good job." He rose to his feet, extending his arm in Kelly's direction, with a smile.

Severide shook Chief's hand, winning a pat on the shoulder from Casey. "Feels good." He admitted…the adrenaline, the heat, the life-death game, saving lives…he felt alive, complete, as if he found his place on Earth again.

"Good." Chief uttered. "Your probationary period's just ended. You're Squad 3's acting Lieutenant, starting next shift."

A wide smile spread across Matt's face…finally, finally things were getting back to normal, finally his best friend was happy again, like he hadn't been since…since two years ago, when two monsters had started a war.

But Kelly was staring at Jeff instead, as if feeling guilty for stealing Clarke's job…Jeff had be assigned as a temporary Lieutenant…but it had lasted for over a year.

"Clarke." Chief continued. "First watch's Squad's Lieutenant is going to retire at the end of this month. It's yours if you want it, permanently."

Jeff was a marine, rarely showing how he felt, but this time he grinned. "Thanks, Chief. I'm honored…"

"They'll be lucky to have you." Matt said truthfully and Kelly nodded in agreement.

"I've played football with Lieutenant Albert, I'm sure we'll get along just fine."

"Until then you can stay with us, if you don't mind."

"And let Severide boss me around?" Jeff chuckled. "It would be my pleasure, Chief."

Xxx

Showering was a priority for the lieutenants over the next half an hour, but Kelly had no idea Matt had already called a certain detective to inform her that her fireman had some good news.

Kelly disappeared into his quarters and Matt pushed the door open of his, when Erin walked into the bunk area, looking around, having not been there in a long time.

"What's going on?" She demanded, finding it hard to believe good news even existed.

"You should ask him." Casey smirked, pointing his friend's office before disappearing inside his.

Lindsay hurried forward, knocking on the boor before stepping inside, finding Kelly sat on his chair, reading paperwork.

Kelly turned his head, his expression stony even though he was over the moon. Erin raised her eyebrows, the look on her face demanding some sort of an explanation…

A wide smile spread across his face and he finally stood up, still speechless.

"Kelly - "

"It's Lieutenant Severide." He corrected her, mock-serious, waiting patiently until the news sank in.

His grin grew wider. Lindsay shook her head and jumped into his arms, her lips coming in contact with his. She pressed so hard that he was forced to take a step back, then another, landing on the bed. Erin climbed on top of him, her lips not letting go…she wanted him, right there and then, forever….

"First watch…" He mumbled before her tongue blocked his mouth and he gratefully accepted the hot kiss. "They'll be here…in a few minutes." He managed, wanting her as much as she wanted him, but his mind kept reminding him the other Squad's Lieutenant would want his private space for the upcoming shift…and Kelly definitely didn't want to be disturbed in the middle of…

"Home…" Lindsay whispered to his ear, pulling him to a seating position.

"Five minutes." He uttered, planting a kiss on her neck before getting up and heading toward the locker room to change and grab his belongings. Erin remained in his office, grinning like a fifteen year old going through her first crush.

Severide was fully dressed in three minutes. He grabbed his rucksack, but his eyes fell on a small, red, square box that had been underneath…the box was a home of a beautiful ring…it was perfect, elegant, made for a strong woman, for his woman. He picked the box up, holding it tightly as if it would fly away…he swallowed hard and turned his head to the right, fixing his eyes on the photo of him and Shay on the inner side of his locker's door…Shay, today marked two-years of hell, and for the first time in those two years, he felt one hundred percent, there, in his firehouse, in their firehouse, among the only family he had ever known…he might as well start a new one…

Shay had hated people wasting their lives mourning others…and if he had learned one thing over the past two years, it was that live was short, too short, and a sick monster could take it away any minute, anywhere. Shay would have wanted him to be happy, always, every single day, every single minute, even on the day she had lost her life…

Kelly ran his fingers across the photo…if he closed his eyes, yes, she was still there, right beside him, always. "Love you." He mumbled, unaware Matt was watching him from the bathroom door…love that was very different from that for Erin, had a different, deep meaning. He nodded once, placed his rucksack on the bench behind him, closed the door quietly, and with the small box in his hand, headed back toward his quarters, too nervous to realize people saw him, saw the box, exchanged ecstatic looks.

He reached his quarters and finally remembered that she'd immediately spot the box. Kelly looked around, very carefully took the ring out, placed the empty container on Brett's bunk, and with one hand behind his back, finally entered.

She couldn't decide if he looked more handsome in uniform or in his leather jacket. "I'll make breakfast and…you'll need all the energy..."

Erin raised one hand to her mouth, her lips suddenly unable to let out another sound…the man in front of her, her fireman, her hero fell to his knees, a beautiful ring of white gold, with a round diamond, held within six claws in his grip…

"Erin Lindsay, you were the only reason I didn't leave this world long time ago. You were there for me in the darkest period of my life. From now on, I want us to face every challenge life presents together. I want to spend my life with you, and I promise you no one would work harder to make you happy or cherish you more than me." Kelly paused, taking a breath. "Would you marry me?"

"Yes…" Erin didn't hesitate even for a second. "Yes." She mumbled again just to make sure he had heard her. She wrapper her fingers around his wrist and gently pulled him upright, their eyes expressing the love each felt for the other.

Kelly slowly lifted her left hand, her skin softer than silk…his fingers were shaky. He put the ring on her ring finger, its beauty matching hers…

Severide glared into her eyes for a second before they kissed…he wanted her as much as she wanted him.

The door behind them opened, a dozen heads that had been spying through the window popped in, smiling, grinning, happy to finally have their Lieutenant back, happy to have a reason to celebrate on that day…Shay would have been happy, too.

"Get a room!" Herrmann chuckled, first to embrace Severide in a hug, Chili moving forward to whisper something to Erin that made both women laugh.

"Congrats!" Matt was next to hug his fellow Lieutenant, and Severide felt like a giant teddy bear. Boden was next, then Clarke, Mouch…

"Molly's, 8pm." Christopher instructed cheerfully, many heads nodding in agreement.

When the hugging was over, Kelly neared his girl from behind, locking his arms around her neck, and kissed the top of her head.

"I need to do something first." He uttered and she understood well.

"Want me to come with you?"

"No." He shook his head. "Won't take long, promise."

"I'll make that breakfast then."

Xxx

Kelly neared her grave with a beautiful poinsettia in hands…it had been hard finding it in mid-May, but for her, he would turn the world upside-down…it had been her favorite flower…

It was only ten in the morning, but the ground surrounding the marble stone was already covered in different flowers – roses, freesias, gladiolus. Kelly knelt on the ground and positioned the poinsettia in the center of all other flowers, so that the green-red leaves touched the stone…

"Shay…" He mumbled, running his fingers across the letters until his fingers landed on the last "y". He rested his palm on her name and sat down, on the cold ground, bending his knees…the corners of his mouth lifted to form a small smile. "I asked her, this morning, and she said yes." Kelly told Shay, his voice disturbing the quietness around. "Wish you were here…to make sure I don't screw up. You know, Dawson and Matt are getting married soon…it's getting better, Shay, I promise…and you know what? I'm back, saved Clarke's ass today…" He sat there for another fifteen minutes, telling her everything about the fire and the victims, about how he had proposed, about how he finally felt alive again. "I love her, Shay, would do anything for Erin...

Kelly startled when a hand landed on top of his shoulder. He looked up to see Matt's face, a bouquet of yellow flowers he could not identify in Casey hands.

"Thought you went home." Truck's Lieutenant remarked in a soft tone, positioning the flowers next to the other bouquets.

Kelly placed his fingers on top of the marble stone for a brief second before pushing himself upright, Matt reading the words carved into the stone as if he hadn't seen them before.

"I like coming here." Severide admitted, not giving a damn if it sounded insane or weird. "Can feel…her. Talking to Shay helps - "

"It's okay." Matt smiled, turning to look at his friend, grateful to that invisible power, to Shay, for bringing the happiness back to their lives, for giving his best friend the courage to stand there, stronger, and smile, and talk about his feeling, and his future with the gorgeous detective. "I come here sometimes and…talk, too."

Severide smirked. "Don't tell this to Coles". He was referring to the CFD psychologist evaluating their mental health every month.

"Nah, he knows." Casey shook his head, patting Kelly on the back. "Let's go, heard Erin…Severide is making breakfast."

Both men laughed - Detective Severide…Kelly glanced at the poinsettia for one last time before he followed Matt toward the exit. _"Always."_

"_Always."_

**THE END**

**Gosh, can't believe this story ended, it's been a big part of my life for months *sigh*. It makes me a bit sad, but hey, I can start something new now…**

**So, I promised a happy ending for our Linseride, or should I say Lieutenant Severide and Detective Severide. I tried to do the proposal as "not-soapy" as possible, because I just can't imagine soapy Linseride. I really, really, really hope you like how it went. Love wins, ha! Burn in hell Hadley and Spellman!**

**Kelly's finally found peace with himself and can visit her grave and smile, and talk. I (and Shay) want him to associate 13****th**** of May with the beginning of something good, I didn't want to be disrespectful of her death of anything.**

**And, as it started as a Matt/Kelly friendship story, I wanted to end it as such, hope you liked this part, too. **

**THANK YOU to everyone who kept reviewing and supporting me, THANK YOU to Newperson for all the lovely comments you've left, THANK YOU to all of you who followed and favoured!**

**Would love to hear your opinion on this final update, p****lease revew, thanks :)**


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